Wish I Lived Close By to My Dear Friends

 I guess You could say I've been having a " Pity Party for ONE " lately. It's not exactly that I'm Missing My EXBf - because I honestly DON'T want Him back, BUT I Miss having Someone Here with Me to Talk to. Of course, My Exbf wasn't One to really have a Wonderful Conversation with, but at least He was a " Body " to Talk to - Face to Face. Maybe that sounds Silly, and Weak, of Me. I don't know. I don't Care, because it's just how I feel. I know I should be Stronger, and simply be Enjoying My Freedom now, but it's still not quite that Simple for Me. Maybe it is that Simple for Some, and God Bless Them. I'm happy that it can be that Simple for Those People. But for Me, there are More Layers to My Feelings, and to My Heart, and Soul, than That. I had Hung on so HARD, and for SO LONG, to the DREAM of " Him and I " - Myself and My EXBf, working out, that NOW... NOW I finally LET GO of that DREAM, it's been a Hard, and Lonely Road, for Me to continue down ALL BY MYSELF ! MAYBE IF I could have turned to at least ONE of My Sisters to talk to about this, OR even to My Niece Bridgette; MAYBE that would have helped Me to not feel this Way. I don't know. I Love My Niece, Bridgette, Very Much, and She knows about what I've been through at Least.... BUT I haven't really had a thorough Conversation with Her about it all, since HE LEFT. I can't do that to Her. I feel that I'd be an Extra Burden to Her, when She's dealing with Enough in Her Own Life right now ! She doesn't need to be Weighed Down with My " Self-Pity " over what I'm dealing with. She's Generous enough with Me to Help Me the Way She does by giving Me Rides to the Grocery Store, to Doctor's Appts., and by Coming By Once or Twice a Week to Help Me by getting My Mail and Taking My Garbage Out for Me. Without all of that Help from Her, I don't know What I'd do ! So to Turn to Her, and talk to Her in a Lot of Detail about My Feelings, simply doesn't seem Fair to Me with Everything Else She already does for Me.Mind You, I'm Not Blind to the Blessings right in Front of Me ! I am VERY THANKFUL to ALL of My Friends Online ! Without ALL of My Friends Online, and ESPECIALLY ALL of My Friends through Here, I don't know HOW I could have been suriving Everything the Way that I have been. I sure that Without Everyone I would have been COMPLETELY LOST, and maybe ended up admitted to the Hospital, or worse ! Don't worry, though, I'm NOT at the Point right now of wanting to do anything Stupid to Myself. Even IF I barely started to have a Stray Thought about that, I quickly do my Best to Push it Out of My Mind because I couldn't do that to My Mom. In My Mom's Current Condition - having Parkinson's Disease - I'm positive that it would KILL HER if I did anything Stupid to Myself ! She would surely Blame Herself for it, and She couldn't handle it at all ! I couldn't that to Her, not after all of the Years growing Up that She Tried to be a Good Mom.... despite being Fairly Dysfunctional, and really having not much of a Clue as to How to encourage a Young Mind - a Young Soul - to be Their Best, and Pursue Their Dreams. Everything was Always about what SHE thought I should do, and NEVER about what I SAID I wanted to do ! BUT, She would Always play the " Money Card ", and say that since it was My Parents' Money paying for it... then it wasn't up to ME to decide what was BEST for ME ! Even if I TRIED to Point out that it was MY LIFE... that didn't matter to Them.... even TODAY, it still doesn't Matter to Them, since They STILL talk to Me as IF I was a Small Child, and NOT a Grown Woman of 40 Years Old !So really IF You think about it... My Parents Taught Me at a Young Age that it was OKAY, and even NORMAL, to ALLOW Someone Else to CONTROL YOU... TO CONTROL YOUR LIFE !!!! It's No Wonder I always seem to end up with Men that are Controlling ! Anyways... I'm definitely Rambling off on a tangent a bit.. LOL The MAIN thing I was talking about is that I've been feeling Lonely Lately. The Holidays Always seem to accentuate that ! I LOVED the Holidays as a Small Child, but as an Adult I've never really gotten into them.Maybe I would.. IF I was involved in a Healthy, and Happy, Relationship with Someone. BUT since I'm NOT, the Holidays seem to be just a Constant Reminder that I'm ALONE ! PLUS, with the Addition of ADS on TV about what You're SUPPOSED TO BUY for Your Loved Ones for the Holidays, that to ME seems like a RUDE REMINDER that I'm FAR TOO POOR to Buy ANYONE ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS !!!! I barely have the Money Each Month to just Pay My Basic Bills, and have ANY Money for FOOD ! I'm Always Lucky to have even ONE DOLLAR Left in My Bank Account once the Monthly Bills have been Paid ! So there's DEFINITELY NO Money available to Me to Buy Christmas Presents for ANYONE ! My Family has a TALENT for making feel like the BLACK SHEEP of the FAMILY because of this ! Especially the FEW in My Family that give ME Presents anyway... even Knowing that I wasn't able to get THEM anything ! They give Me LOOKS of PITY that make Me want to SCREAM ! The Reason I say it like that is because it's NOT as IF the " LOOKS OF PITY " are out of True Sympathy.... because IF You saw their FACES, You'd Understand that... IT'S because the LOOKS on Their FACES are MORE OUT OF SNOBBERY, AND ARROGANCE.... LOOKING DOWN AT ME AS IF I'M SOME SORT OF ' HOBO '... SOME SORT OF ' HOMELESS PERSON ' THAT WANDERED IN OFF THE STREET, AND THEY'LL LOOK AT ME AS IF I SMELL LIKE I HAVEN'T BATHED IN WEEKS !... ( when of course that's NOT True at all ! ) !MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME NOW.... WHY I WOULDN'T BE THRILLED TO GET TOGETHER WITH MY FAMILY DURING THE HOLIDAYS ?????!!!!! LOL