Wish I could understand this...
I wish I could understand this illness. I wish I could understand what it is that makes us so sick with these strange symptoms. Isn't it odd that we have such bizarre symptoms that make no sense other than the FACT that someone else has the same thing? I was coasting for awhile. It wasn't necessarily delightful, but I was managing to get a few things done in my window of functionality most days. I usually can feel it coming and I think I felt it coming this time but I tried to ignore it. It's here. It's always here, but sometimes it makes its presence known in a devastating way. There is no pattern. That's what throws me off. I can't pinpoint what it is that triggers one day's energy level over another's. I can't figure what sends my thoughts spinning away from me. Writing it all down, charting the course of feelings/thoughts/symptoms/food/activity/etc., there is no pattern. Just when I think I may have found a rhythm to the madness it shifts. There are no visible markers to connect one to another. My mind seeks after patterns. I try to find the answers that can destroy the questions that keep pounding in my head. I don't really ask, "Why me?" Rather, the questions, "What is this?", and, "How does it do what it does?" Perhaps the more important question is, "Why do I keep trying to understand?"
Replies
Hi Katy. All I can say about this journal entry is I UNDERSTAND what you are saying.
There seems to be no rhyme or reason to what goes on with us, and believe me I have tried to make correlations! ( And I am not THAT smart lol).
With my adrenal insufficiency ( and CFS and fibro and God knows what else that they are STILL trying to diagnose)my life \"changes on a dime\" is what I say a lot lately. Be it how I feel physically or mentally or how I think.
Most days I don\'t think I even \"try\" to understand anymore..I do try to accept it more and maybe not be so hard on myself..which is hard enough.
I get tired of saying \"I am having a rough day\" but that is what I say when someone asks me how I feel. Because it is rough. I want to scream it sucks! But well, can not do that so...
Anyway...I am glad you wrote. I was thinking of you last night as I could not stop eating..UGH! I eat so much and am not really hungry yet NEED to just eat! I am on higher steroids right now and well, some of it may also be mental discontent?! But it has to stop as it gets me so bloated and \"full\" feeling(not satisfied though so that is odd)that breathing is harder! I would NOT make a good pregnant woman with my belly pressing on my lungs! Would never have made it 9 months straight of this feeling!
So I need to get rid of the junk and really start being careful about the food right now!
anyway, always enjoy your posts!
Hope you have a great day!
Ruth