Wise Woman

After Tim and I had our talk things seem to be better but in reality I do not believe they are. He is finding reasons not to come straight home from work (valid ones). And when he is home it is not how it should be. I can not say that there are eggshells  but there is something. I asked him yesterday where we stand, now this was 10 days after the truth came out and all he said was the same place we were last week. I looked at him and said what? You mean you have not been thinking and trying to figure out what you need to do to be happy with yourself? Or how to fix us? His reply with all the drama with Dad and my sisters and with my sons family and with my ex and her sisters I do not have time. I then asked what is more important Tim? You and your health and soberity or everyone elses drama? He just gave me the HUH stare totally went right over his head. The last couple of days at least once a day he has yelled at me something that has NEVER happened before and he was told in no uncertain terms not allowed and not deserved, if you can not speak to me with respect then keep your mouth shut. Today he had asked me to send him a text if something came in the mail and also a phone number that he needed but I had, so I did and at the end was the word honey. In no time I got a text back saying lay off the honey shit as you are strangling me. I replied excuse me I call everyone honey or sweets, things like that so I will try but do not expect perfection because that is just how I am. 

My granddaughters birthday party is Saturday and I have asked him to go with me saying I would really appreciate it. He goes I might have to work and tonight I said Tim it is YOUR choice if you work on a Saturday or not so why are you doing this? I got I told you we will see. That makes me think 1. He does not want to go 2. He has something going on in his head which he is not telling me. So after many tears and prayers I have made the decision he is supposed to make. If he does not go with me to the birthday party on Sunday he is getting told to pack up and leave.

He knows how important my family especially my grandbabies are to me. Also my health and well being are at stake here and once before I put myself last and because of all the stress and not taking care of myself I am now disabled . I have worked long and hard to get control back of my life and my health and had been doing really good with my pain level. Now they are excalated back up to 8-9 instesd of 4, not good. My anxiety is out of the world high again not good. My self-worth is being ripped apart not good. And I am putting him before me which I should have learned that lessons when I was married and I put my ex throught 9 programs in 12 year and he still looked at me in the eyes the day he left for good that I was right he chose his booze over me and the boys as that was way more important to him then we were. 

So after this I am sure you are wondering why I titled this wise woman. Well after I found out the truth I talked to my minister and told her everything I had said to him that night after his dads party and she said Susie you are a very wise woman I would not have thought of some of the things you brought to his attention. Let me tell you I am not feeling very wise or strong right about now. I am feeling more like a servant to him not even a friend. I am not going to be home tomorrow (Wednesday ) night as I am needed to babysit. That was a very difficult decision to make due to lack of trust. I am going to use that time to really pray and think about me and what I need and want from him. Then when he gets home Thursday from work I can lay it all out for him and he can decide if he is a man willing to save probably the best thing to ever happen to him in his life or run with his tail between his legs and end up in the near future drinking again and then dieing Because if he drinks afain his doctor straight out told him he will get c-duff again and that is what wil kill him as he will have had it 4  times in less than a year and they can only give him so much antibiotics in a year. If that happens I will feel so guilty and responsible even though I know it is not my fault but if I let him stay here he is safe. It is the cost to me that I have to consider of I let him stay. That cost keeps going higher as I keep sinking into his black hole.

I am asking for thoughts and prayers as I deal with this hard decision. But since he has no real reason to make it because I have been his slave and he doesnt  have to do a thing around here it falls to me

God Bless