Winter's end

I hope Winter is on its way out.  We have had dreadful weather for well over a month.  We were lucky to spend 2 weeks in Puerto Vallarta.  We had a great visit with our friend and her son.  Much of the time was spent at the Barracuda - a little restaurant on the beach.  Winona knows everyone so we always got a great table by the water.  We saw mother whales teaching their babies.  Needless to say we loved the break.  We foolishly thought that when we got home, the snow would be melting.  Boy, was I wrong!  We were in a deep freeze.

This grief journey is still a roller coaster, but a less dramatic one.  I still shed tears fairly often but only briefly and get on with life.  When we first lost Lisa, I really didn't feel I could go on with life.  I have suffered from depression for most of my life I wondered whether it was worth it to hang in here.  Andrew and I made a pact - I wouldn't do anything rash if he didn't.  I am happy to say that we are both alive and well.

For the first few years after Lisa died, I felt the need to be busy all the time so I volunteered.  Actually I went back to work soon after but I was filling in until they hired a permanent manager so the job ended.  It was only when I was 'doing' stuff that I felt remotely like me.  I then continued to be busy volunteering and filling in when needed for a continuing care company - doing orientations, and filling in for managers. in addition to my committee and board volunteering.  Now, I am rather worn out and reevaluating what I am going to do with my remaining days.  

I am at peace now being a couch potato.  I see my friends - in fact we hosted a Mexican dinner on Saturday.  We often have an ethnic dinner after we come home from other countries.  Joe is the cook and I get to visit and drink wine.  I enjoy the camaraderie.  I always feel like Lisa is there - she loved evenings with friends.  However, I no longer feel the need to be doing stuff.  I feel a pang of guilt at times but the feeling passes.  

I am working on staying healthy.  I walk as often as I can as I love the sound of the birds - Lisa is saying "Hi Mummy".  If anyone sees me when the birds start to sing, they probably think I am a bit demented.  I say "Hi Lisa".  Joe and I go to a seniors' exercise class on Monday - we have a great instructor who talks for an hour as we do 30 minutes of aerobics and the rest strenthening with bands and weights.  The class is not the 'sit and be fit' sort of exercise.  We are dripping with sweat at the end of the session.

I have also started to meditate again.  For a long time, I couldn't sit still without breaking down in tears.

Photos of our beautiful granddaughter and great granddaughters bring a smile and warm my heart.  

Of course, life goes on.  At our age, we encounter more losses.  A friend's husband was diagnosed with lung cancer, in addition to having had bowel surgery.  My dear nursing classmate is having her third surgery after hip relpacement today.  My neighbour's mom is in hospice care.  My daughter-in-law's dad is going into a memory care centre as he has Parkinsons Disease and Dementia.  So I am reminded that I won't be here forever.  I am thankful that, so far, I am healthy except for the odd ache and pain and acid reflux.  My friends and I laugh as we compare our ailments.

Lisa is always on my mind and in my heart.  

Lisa:  I miss you always and love you forever.  Mummy