"...will you still need me, will you still feed me, When I'm 64?"
Thirty years ago today my husband and I got married. That makes today our 30th Wedding Anniversary. It should be an event. It should be celebrated as a "landmark" with a party or at least a nice dinner. It should be a really big deal. Instead, it was just another ordinary day, spent the way the past 8 anniversaries have been spent, with no mention at all of the significance of the day. I'm not sure exactly when I finally stopped bothering to give him a card, but it's been several years now. Somehow, I just can't find one that seems appropriate. "....With sympathy for you putting up with me for 30 long years..."? "...Happy 30th Anniversary...NOT!"?
Thirty years ago I was so full of love and hope and happiness. My life was just beginning. I had a partner by my side and I was looking forward to starting a family and living happily ever after. It's not that I thought it would be clear sailing into the sunset, but I fully expected that no matter what happenend, as long as the two of us loved each other and our family, we could endure anything. When I said, "...for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health...," I honestly meant it. I guess I still feel bound by those vows somehow because I feel really guilty for wanting to bail out now. How do I get to the point where my feelings catch up with the overwhelming evidence??
In retrospect I should have seen the subtle signs way back even before we got married. Like the way he wanted to call off the wedding a month before because he didn't have a job yet. We were fresh out of college and I had been working for two months, so we would have been fine on just my income for a while. He ended up getting a job a week or two later. Or the way he neglected to make any honeymoon plans--or even take any time off work. I told him his employer would certainly understand that we had a wedding and honeymoon planned before he started his new job and would have given him some time off, even though it would be unpaid. Or the way I was waiting for him to make a decision and we ended up with no place to live for a week after the wedding. We stayed in a motel full of roaches. Not exactly the way I had envisioned starting off my marriage.
But we were both young and stupid and I figured we could work things out. I'm pretty sure I tried my best. I know I made a lot of stupid mistakes along the way, but I always admitted to them and tried to repair any damage I did. But how sorry do I have to be for it to be "enough"? He told me once several years ago that I hurt him too much and he doesn't want to be hurt any more. But he refused to elaborate and has refused ever since to even discuss our relationship. It's that fact that haunts me and makes me uncertain of whether or not I have the right to give up on him now. What is it that I did?
I don't know... Do I need to know, do I need to fix it before I can move on? Even though he won't even let me try? Do I even want to try? Would I even bother at this point if he somehow did change his mind? How can you live with someone for 30 years and stop caring about them?
~sigh~
Thirty years ago I was so full of love and hope and happiness. My life was just beginning. I had a partner by my side and I was looking forward to starting a family and living happily ever after. It's not that I thought it would be clear sailing into the sunset, but I fully expected that no matter what happenend, as long as the two of us loved each other and our family, we could endure anything. When I said, "...for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health...," I honestly meant it. I guess I still feel bound by those vows somehow because I feel really guilty for wanting to bail out now. How do I get to the point where my feelings catch up with the overwhelming evidence??
In retrospect I should have seen the subtle signs way back even before we got married. Like the way he wanted to call off the wedding a month before because he didn't have a job yet. We were fresh out of college and I had been working for two months, so we would have been fine on just my income for a while. He ended up getting a job a week or two later. Or the way he neglected to make any honeymoon plans--or even take any time off work. I told him his employer would certainly understand that we had a wedding and honeymoon planned before he started his new job and would have given him some time off, even though it would be unpaid. Or the way I was waiting for him to make a decision and we ended up with no place to live for a week after the wedding. We stayed in a motel full of roaches. Not exactly the way I had envisioned starting off my marriage.
But we were both young and stupid and I figured we could work things out. I'm pretty sure I tried my best. I know I made a lot of stupid mistakes along the way, but I always admitted to them and tried to repair any damage I did. But how sorry do I have to be for it to be "enough"? He told me once several years ago that I hurt him too much and he doesn't want to be hurt any more. But he refused to elaborate and has refused ever since to even discuss our relationship. It's that fact that haunts me and makes me uncertain of whether or not I have the right to give up on him now. What is it that I did?
I don't know... Do I need to know, do I need to fix it before I can move on? Even though he won't even let me try? Do I even want to try? Would I even bother at this point if he somehow did change his mind? How can you live with someone for 30 years and stop caring about them?
~sigh~
Replies
When you reach the point of making YOURSELF THE PRIORITY then you will be ready to end this madness and begin a new life for yourself. That\'s all I have to say....I would have NEVER run out on my X the way he ran out on me. But in the time between then and now I KNOW in my heart and mind it was the BEST POSSIBLE THING that could have ever happened for ME! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
and furthermore, your marriage has died due to lack of attention on BOTH your parts. It would take a lot of effort by both of you to revive it at this late date. I\'m not saying just give it up, but I think you know what you are up against. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop trying to figure out \"what YOU did\" or didn\'t do. And remember this -- YOU CANNOT \"FIX\" HIM -- you can only FIX YOURSELF. To try to do anything other than that is a waste of your precious time and energy.
I, like you, ignored all the red flags before the wedding....the screaming fits of absolutely insane anger...the controlling....the manipulation....
You and I were in love, or we thought we were....and now after 30 years for you and 34 for me, we\'ve realized there can be, should be, more to life....the saying \"Don\'t throw good money after bad\" may apply to us...I know it does to me....I have finally admitted that nothing I do will change her. She must admit to her faults and force herself to fix them...but even so I must admit that I no longer can love her, ever again, and so it is time to go....time to try to find someone who will love me for who I am...not try to force me into her version of whom I should be.
You have done nothing wrong. You know that. He is placing blame on you to make himself feel better about abandoning you. Let it go. Get out now and start over....there is still life out there...I know there is....I can feel it!
I have done many, many things wrong in my marriage and parenting...and living in general, but none of the mistakes I made were ever malicious or intented to hurt anyone. The red flags in my marriage weren\'t obvious. In fact, even with the perspective of time they were so subtle I still have difficulty recognizing them.
It would be a hell of a lot easier if HE would just leave ME!!!