Will you forgive me?

I'm still mad about my latest trial with medication. Everywhere I read that this is what I have to do. I can not stand one more failed course of treatment. Getting back to normal is just too mother fucking hard. I don't know if I can ever do it again without killing myself. So I guess I'm just one of those people who keeps quitting their medications statistically and might end up quitting one more time only to find that I just can't go on. I have to get some kind of help going for myself. Medication is clearly not working for me. I am so angry that there is so little help and dare I try it again? I just want to scream. I have never been so suicidal as I am when coming off medication that one more time gave me side effects and paranoia that I just could not live with. I'm off meds again 3 weeks. I'm grateful to feel physically healthy. I have re-learned to sleep for the most part. I'm being very careful this time. My eating disorder is acting up. I've been reading Julie Fast's articles about monitoring and I'm resigned to paying full attention to this stupid fucking shit for now. I think I may try samE in a 1/3 rd dose when I feel completely back to normal. I guess I'll bring it up to my doctor. He's going to be very angry with me when he finds out I quit this latest round.