Will It Ever End?
I've been working really hard to get through these past couple of days, but Ben is still not making it easy on me. He came the other day and took the air conditioner and sold it. I woke up the other morning and he had climbed through the window in the middle of the night and was sleeping on the couch. He is begging me to let him stay at the house because he has been sleeping in his car. He came to the house this morning at 10:00 and wanted me to go get his unemployment money out of the bank. I did and he gave me $20 for gas. He left to "pay bills" and go to work. He then spent all the money on crack. He just showed up here. I let him take a shower and then I told him he had to leave and he couldn't stay here. Before he left, I gave him a copy of the paper he was given at a meeting that has a bunch of phone numbers on it for him to call if he needs someone to talk to. He refused to take it with him. Then, he stole the $20 back and left. Then he called saying he was going to kill himself. My sister told me she doesn't know what to tell me to do, but maybe I should just let him sleep on the couch for the night. I'm so lost and confused. I would just die if Ben actually killed himself. I know I need to worry about me and the kids, but how can I possibly not worry about him? My God, what else can I do to help him? Should I call the police and give them his license plate number? I can't sit here and not worry. I can't wonder if everything I say or do to Ben may be the thing that puts him over the edge. I'm so heartbroken. He has only seen the kids one day since he left. My five-year-old has been busy with cousins here from out of town, but he must be a wreck. I let him sleep in my bed with me the past couple of nights. How can I keep going like this?
Replies
Sweetie, oh my GOD what perfect timing. No, you are correct, you can NOT keep going like this. Would it make you feel a teenie bit better to hear that I\'ve heard those lines too? He will NOT kill himself, but he got your attention, didn\'t he?. I promise. I\'ve had help line numbers, books and vitamins thrown at me. I was told that if I start sleeping with my spouse, he may consider getting sober but otherwise, he\'ll kill himself slowly with drugs. My husband went through over $100K in a year and lost his dream job and rendered himself unhirable because he\'ll never get another security clearance or a job in his industry again - flushing 19 years of a successful career in one fell swoop. Jeff went to NA meetings for a week in early 2009 and came back convinced that (drum roll please) unless he hits bottom, he is free to do what ever he wants. He also made friends who were forced to attend through some court ordered thing and had no interest in sticking around. Then, he began his spiral downward when I thought it could not get more awful.
You must repeat the following: \" My family and friends are too removed to understand and not qualified to offer advice. Ben is brain damaged and is making decisions in a distorted fog wher the boys and I do not count. I do not or will not define my self worth by the way Ben sees me - I am smart, loving and am going to be free of my own addiction. My boys and I are #1 focus of our family. Ben is responsible for his own actions and his upkeep. I have a right to report his drug use to the police and tell him directly to his face. I can not control Ben\'s behaviour - he does not want to nor is ready to make a change. I love my children and we deserve better. I can only control my own decisions and choices. I must take care of myself and my children first. \"
You are just starting to work through this and are in a discovery stage. I\'ve reread my own journal entries (on paper) and e-mails to Jeff\'s family and our friends. I thought I was doing the right thing and barely functioned. I now recognize that I may have postponed Jeff\'s jail term. I once compared trying to help my spouse as trying to jump into a mosh pit and trying to hug someone covered in barbed wire and wielding swords - only one of us was bleeding to death and it wasn\'t my spouse. Addiction is a disease of complete and utter narcissism - no if\'s, and\'s or but\'s. Ben\'s and your realities are not the same - he may hate himself for lying and cheating, he may feel shame and grief - but it is not enough to make him stop at this time nor would ANYTHING you say to him. Only one of you would be using her already depleated emotional resources.
Your kids look to you for direction and it sounds like one of your sons is already acting out (sleeping in your bed for comfort). Please reach out to some local agencies - do not forget, this is abuse and Ben is hurting his family. The turmoil in your boys\' lives will reverberate for years to come so focus on them and get some professional help and there should be some things available to you at no charge. Your boys may start acting out in other ways - I spoke to one woman whose kids started wetting beds and talking in baby talk even as pre-teens and some even blamed themselves for their father\'s behavior. You know how the airplane demos always say - put on your own oxygen mask before you put it on your child/dependent because if you can not helo others if you are not fit function? This is no different. You already know the answer to your question - you can not keep going like this, especially when there are children involved. Drug use in the house is illegal and if Ben was ever caught there, you too could come under scrutiny. So, eliminate that option. I will never forget Jeff\'s reaction when he came home after a binge and I told him point blank that if I catch him using here, I will call the police. He \'got\' that I meant business and left more often, whenever he used - at least he heard me that time. At least, that got him out of the house. If your family/friends want to help - tell them you want them to donate a new lock and help you change your house locks. If Ben fights to get in - call the police. My husband\'s \'ex\' and I decided last year that we would rather have him in jail than his wonderful daughter attending his funeral. That is sometimes which is inevitable. Think about the alternative - he has no incentive to stop and can not thing rationally.
Just keep reading the codependent book, reach out to some local agencies even if they are more abused woman shelter type places. They may point you to other places. You are strong, you love your children and you will grow to love yourself more. Drug addicts are the walking dead who do not care for their families. When you hand Ben that money (or forget to hide it), remember - he is taking this limited resource away from your boys and you, the only ones who matter. Get mad if you have to. Get angry. Get smart - I know you can do it. Keep posting. The only \'good\' thing in all of this is that Ben exhibits all the cookie cutter behaviors of a drug addict. That makes your best courses of action predictable and proven. It will be scary but you can do it. Much love and support to you!
Victoria
Same words I said to my self, I would just die if John tried to kill himself, sweetie you are where I was one year ago and I am here to tell you YES YES it will if you alow it to happen....only you have control over you, not him and what he does. Addicts do not care about us when they are using...If he dies that is on him not you. I know how hard this is for you, trust me I almost took my own life and that is not right. You look at your kids and you put them first in your life....look at them babies and ask them what would they do and how would they feel if they lost there mother...I never did that before I tried to end my life for my now ex-husband. You and your children are more important right now. Ben is a grown man and can take care of himself, he does not give a damn about you or those kids right now. So find it in yourself to pick your self up and take care of you and them kids. You have it in you, your a Beautiful girl and deserve so much more and need happiness in your life...hey you made it before Ben and you can make it after him or you can be with him but the Ben clean...he needs to clean him self up first and show you how much he deserve you.....you are his prize, before you let him back in your life let him know he needs to get help and be clean first. Trust me if you dont help him he will hit his bottom and either die, go to jail or fix his life for the better. He is a grown man. So do not let me hear you say you would just die....not happening. You message me any time and if you need my ph one # you send me a messge....**** I know how you feel right now and if you need a friend to pick you up from this sorrow you call me 24/7 because I know what it\'s like to be in love with a Crack addict and hurt, broke and almost gone, Please please please use the resources around you****** I know you do not know me but I will help you as much as I can******