Will i ever get back to 'normal'?
When will i ever get back to 'normal'? I hate my body for not taking care of my baby, for not nurturing and protecting my baby. Why did this happen? The doctors haven't diagnosed my husband or I with the reason for our infertility, which i think makes this much more difficult. If I KNEW the reason why this has been happening, maybe I could fix it. Since we don't know, i feel like we are setting ourselves up for future failure. And I'm not sure if I can take more failures. I had such great hope and joy when the blood test confirmed I was pregnant. It made all the pain and heartache of the last 2 years worth it. The pain of IVF, the pain and waiting after each of the failed artificial insemination procedures. And then I lost the baby. I feel like my body has turned against me. I've been a vegetarian for over 5 years, i exercise, and I followed all the doctor's rules and always did my injections and took my meds on time. So now i feel like nothing matters anymore. If i did everything the 'right way' the first time and i couldn't keep my baby, then i guess it doesn't matter how i take care of my body anymore. I'm not eating, and I only drink a cup of coffee in the morning so my husband doesn't suspect anything is really amiss...i barely sleep and i cry all the time. I feel like I am losing my mind. I refuse to leave my house, because then I will have to fake being happy for all of our friends and family who have no idea what has happened. We have kept our infertility treatments a big secret, as well as our pregnancy and miscarriage. These people would not understand and would judge us if we had told them about the infertility treatments, which is why we chose to keep it all secret. So other than this website, I am completely alone in my pain. I can't tell my husband all my pain and the scary thoughts going through my mind, because it makes him upset and worried. I just don't understand why my sisters have had problem-free pregnancies and this is happening to us. Why can't we have a baby like normal people? Why did I lose my baby? What is wrong with me? What horrible thing did i do to deserve all of this?? Will I ever be normal again? And will I have the strength to survive another heartbreak if I have multiple miscarriages like so many other women have experienced? How do I get through today, much less tomorrow or until our next IVF cycle?
Replies
Hi Dani0828... I just came across your journal post and I hope at this time you are doing better. So much of what you wrote feels like you are describing my life at certain points in this infertility process- the anger and complete sadness are so overwhelming. I am at the point where we are making decisions about doing a second egg retrieval after having 3 transfers & 2 chemical pregnancies in the past 4 months. I can\'t even believe that this is my life. Have you started your 2nd cycle yet? How are you dealing with it? Sending lots of positive & peaceful energy your way...
Hi blbnjf,
Thankyou for your reply. Yes, I am doing a lot better now. I think time has started to heal, but I still have moments when i break down. We just had our transfer today, and we even had 2 embryos to freeze, which we didn\'t have last time. So I guess those FEs give me some hope. I just hope that I don\'t have to go through another miscarriage. I feel like going through that has been the hardest part of this journey. My doctors changed up everything this time, so I\'m trying to keep up with all the extra meds, but other than that I\'m good. I did feel like my body handled the shock of retrieval a lot better the 2nd time around. I opted just for local anesthesia, and i was literally in a fog of pain after the first retrieval for 4 days. This time i did local anesthesia again, but I was only foggy for about a day. So hopefully you will experience less pain the 2nd time as well. I wish you all the best, and hope that you are successful with this next round! Thank you again for the positive and peaceful energy! I wish the same for you as well!
Dani