wife says goodbye, one year later
about a year ago, my wife announced in an email that she had left for her apartment, said we would work on things for a year, but after two months she announced that she was not coming back. Needless to say I was crushed as everybody is after a breakup. It's interesting to trace my spiritual, intellectual, or whatever journey over the last year.
for the first time I experienced the ups and downs of breakups. I had never dated before I got together with her for various reasons and didn't know a lot of what to expect or how to cope with things like this. I honestly didn't think I could cope since I had no background coping with anything like this. It turns out I coped fine with it and was a lot stronger than I thought. One of the first things I did was begin assembling a supporting structure around me to cope with the loss. Of course I joined the divorce and separation group online here and met a few people who I have stayed friends with. I joined a couple other social networks near me which have died, but then joined the Madison WI divorce and separation group and carved a micro niche out there. I began chatting with numerous people and at one time was doing a chat with three gals at once (which of course made me feel good at the time). Then in June some friends moved in here because of their financial situation and have been an amusing source of extra socialization to help with the transition from married to single. Plus I have my son here so I have to keep him busy and provide emotional support to him. So I have plenty in my life.
Right after the announcement by her I got involved with a divorce care program in a town nearby and took Josh there. It benefited him more than me because there were other kids for him to be with at the meetings who were going through similar problems. I learned a few things to from people who went through similar problems - including the need for your heart to heal through the years before you get involved in another relationship. I felt I needed to take that into consideration especially since I got involved with the plentyoffish site and messaged a few gals after this announcement. I needed to take it slow because my heart could not heal all at once.
then slowly as I went along I came to some conclusions about my wife. about mid year I discovered she was dating somebody and I thought it odd to be doing this so soon. Around August she told Josh that she was seeing this guy for a month and then on Labor day I found her with his picture on her table. That is odd to be seeing somebody for only a month or two and already have his picture on her table. I concluded that she had been seeing him for much longer and not been telling me or Josh or maybe anyone else. By telling Josh that she had been seeing him for only a month she was lying to him.
Then I went back to our discussion that night she said she was not coming back here. Reviewing the discussion we had between us, I suspected that at that time she was already seeing him and did not want to admit it. She threw every possible dodge at me to keep from admitting it, including the statement that she had done some of the stuff she did during our marriage "because I let her get away with it." Then I reviewed our trip to church when we were dating and she began to cry and said it was because she loved the music (which I think was another lie). I came to the conclusion that this is a woman who's quite capable of lying on a number of occasions while dating, while married, and after. She calls this "diversion," I call it a soft version of lying.
That's why, if she came back, I could not ever trust her again. I don't know if she lies to him at all, but I have a hard time believing that somebody can turn off that impulse one has had for so long.
Now I ended 2009 finding out a lot of reasons that I had self esteem problems over my life which partially contributed to some of our marital problems. I traced the problems back past high school to my childhood when I got picked on and let their ideas of me influence me more than my own perceptions of myself. with the help of this one book about the lies we believe, I came to the conclusion that I had believed a lie that my worth was dependent on others opinion of me and that their opinions were always worthwhile. ergo, if they picked one me, there must be something about me that was odd or weird and hence made me not was worthy of appreciation as others. But, I thought, why had I made that presumption? The source of that presumption, I believed, came in the fact I was born so late and my siblings were about 15 years older than me. How odd was that fact, I thought, and why am I here? Do I even belong? I can see now that this oddity must have crept into my soul like a virus inside a host cell and it influenced all my dealings with classmates and so forth.
Once I discovered this, I felt much more free than ever before..... this year though there were times that I felt I could sink back into the abyss in which I used to be. For instance, there were times that the thought came to me that I would never find another mate for me and I should assume that and if I was ONLY better looking or this or that, then....... but I immediately recognize that as part of the lies that kept me prisoner for so many years of my life and I won't let those lies punish me anymore.
now that those lies are gone, I feel that my obsessive compulsiveness will not bother me as much as it did before. In fact, I can't think of many things that I did obsess about this year. True, I"m taking fluoxetine, but that can't eliminate stupid thinking (it only masks it). now that I've eliminated a lot of the stupid thinking, I believe much of the obsessive thoughts will be diminished.
and that's it for now.'
for the first time I experienced the ups and downs of breakups. I had never dated before I got together with her for various reasons and didn't know a lot of what to expect or how to cope with things like this. I honestly didn't think I could cope since I had no background coping with anything like this. It turns out I coped fine with it and was a lot stronger than I thought. One of the first things I did was begin assembling a supporting structure around me to cope with the loss. Of course I joined the divorce and separation group online here and met a few people who I have stayed friends with. I joined a couple other social networks near me which have died, but then joined the Madison WI divorce and separation group and carved a micro niche out there. I began chatting with numerous people and at one time was doing a chat with three gals at once (which of course made me feel good at the time). Then in June some friends moved in here because of their financial situation and have been an amusing source of extra socialization to help with the transition from married to single. Plus I have my son here so I have to keep him busy and provide emotional support to him. So I have plenty in my life.
Right after the announcement by her I got involved with a divorce care program in a town nearby and took Josh there. It benefited him more than me because there were other kids for him to be with at the meetings who were going through similar problems. I learned a few things to from people who went through similar problems - including the need for your heart to heal through the years before you get involved in another relationship. I felt I needed to take that into consideration especially since I got involved with the plentyoffish site and messaged a few gals after this announcement. I needed to take it slow because my heart could not heal all at once.
then slowly as I went along I came to some conclusions about my wife. about mid year I discovered she was dating somebody and I thought it odd to be doing this so soon. Around August she told Josh that she was seeing this guy for a month and then on Labor day I found her with his picture on her table. That is odd to be seeing somebody for only a month or two and already have his picture on her table. I concluded that she had been seeing him for much longer and not been telling me or Josh or maybe anyone else. By telling Josh that she had been seeing him for only a month she was lying to him.
Then I went back to our discussion that night she said she was not coming back here. Reviewing the discussion we had between us, I suspected that at that time she was already seeing him and did not want to admit it. She threw every possible dodge at me to keep from admitting it, including the statement that she had done some of the stuff she did during our marriage "because I let her get away with it." Then I reviewed our trip to church when we were dating and she began to cry and said it was because she loved the music (which I think was another lie). I came to the conclusion that this is a woman who's quite capable of lying on a number of occasions while dating, while married, and after. She calls this "diversion," I call it a soft version of lying.
That's why, if she came back, I could not ever trust her again. I don't know if she lies to him at all, but I have a hard time believing that somebody can turn off that impulse one has had for so long.
Now I ended 2009 finding out a lot of reasons that I had self esteem problems over my life which partially contributed to some of our marital problems. I traced the problems back past high school to my childhood when I got picked on and let their ideas of me influence me more than my own perceptions of myself. with the help of this one book about the lies we believe, I came to the conclusion that I had believed a lie that my worth was dependent on others opinion of me and that their opinions were always worthwhile. ergo, if they picked one me, there must be something about me that was odd or weird and hence made me not was worthy of appreciation as others. But, I thought, why had I made that presumption? The source of that presumption, I believed, came in the fact I was born so late and my siblings were about 15 years older than me. How odd was that fact, I thought, and why am I here? Do I even belong? I can see now that this oddity must have crept into my soul like a virus inside a host cell and it influenced all my dealings with classmates and so forth.
Once I discovered this, I felt much more free than ever before..... this year though there were times that I felt I could sink back into the abyss in which I used to be. For instance, there were times that the thought came to me that I would never find another mate for me and I should assume that and if I was ONLY better looking or this or that, then....... but I immediately recognize that as part of the lies that kept me prisoner for so many years of my life and I won't let those lies punish me anymore.
now that those lies are gone, I feel that my obsessive compulsiveness will not bother me as much as it did before. In fact, I can't think of many things that I did obsess about this year. True, I"m taking fluoxetine, but that can't eliminate stupid thinking (it only masks it). now that I've eliminated a lot of the stupid thinking, I believe much of the obsessive thoughts will be diminished.
and that's it for now.'
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