why me?
926 days sober!!!! woohoo me. i have set a goal for 1000 days. november 21, 2010
wow. i'm not sure why i count days sober. to remind myself maybe that i can be successful? that i am doing this? so when i am feeling weak i can look at the number for strength?
this has been a journey i never in a million years expected to be on. an alcoholic? how could i be an alcoholic? my parents didn't drink. i don't remember seeing relatives drink and if they did it was at a special occasion. my sisters and brother don't drink. why me? why? am i a failure? the proverbial black sheep? it's a funny thing, all my life i have felt like i have had to struggle to be seen. to be me. to be understood or recognized for what i can do in this life of mine. that middle daughter who was always the one to be different. always reminded that when everyone else agreed on something i wanted something different. the one with the tattoos (god forbid) and piercings because i see it as an expression of art. that is who i am. why have i always been frowned on for expressing who i am? or criticized? even still as a grown woman, i feel rediculed or inferior for the goals i would like to acheive or the direction i want to go. is this why i am an alcoholic? do i just crave attention? acceptance? did alcohol let me be me? why do i have these feelings and questions still. 926 fucking days. shouldnt i be fine now. full of life and on the road to a new me????
i'm not saying my life is bad and in all honesty i should be the happiest woman ever. i have fantastic, responsible, loving children. well adults now. i have a husband who is loving, understanding most of the time and would do almost anything i ask. i don't want for anything. i am actually an extremely lucky woman. why am i not happy? am i a fool? i find my mind wandering so much lately. i cant stay focused and i feel weak. i want to drink. yet i dont want to drink. it's been to long sober to feel this.
why the hell did this have to happen to me? why?
always
dragonfly
wow. i'm not sure why i count days sober. to remind myself maybe that i can be successful? that i am doing this? so when i am feeling weak i can look at the number for strength?
this has been a journey i never in a million years expected to be on. an alcoholic? how could i be an alcoholic? my parents didn't drink. i don't remember seeing relatives drink and if they did it was at a special occasion. my sisters and brother don't drink. why me? why? am i a failure? the proverbial black sheep? it's a funny thing, all my life i have felt like i have had to struggle to be seen. to be me. to be understood or recognized for what i can do in this life of mine. that middle daughter who was always the one to be different. always reminded that when everyone else agreed on something i wanted something different. the one with the tattoos (god forbid) and piercings because i see it as an expression of art. that is who i am. why have i always been frowned on for expressing who i am? or criticized? even still as a grown woman, i feel rediculed or inferior for the goals i would like to acheive or the direction i want to go. is this why i am an alcoholic? do i just crave attention? acceptance? did alcohol let me be me? why do i have these feelings and questions still. 926 fucking days. shouldnt i be fine now. full of life and on the road to a new me????
i'm not saying my life is bad and in all honesty i should be the happiest woman ever. i have fantastic, responsible, loving children. well adults now. i have a husband who is loving, understanding most of the time and would do almost anything i ask. i don't want for anything. i am actually an extremely lucky woman. why am i not happy? am i a fool? i find my mind wandering so much lately. i cant stay focused and i feel weak. i want to drink. yet i dont want to drink. it's been to long sober to feel this.
why the hell did this have to happen to me? why?
always
dragonfly
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