why me?

926 days sober!!!! woohoo me.  i have set a goal for 1000 days.  november 21, 2010
wow.  i'm not sure why i count days sober.  to remind myself maybe that i can be successful?  that i am doing this?  so when i am feeling weak i can look at the number for strength? 
this has been a journey i never in a million years expected to be on.  an alcoholic?  how could i be an alcoholic?  my parents didn't drink.  i don't remember seeing relatives drink and if they did it was at a special occasion.  my sisters and brother don't drink. why me?  why?  am i a failure?  the proverbial black sheep?  it's a funny thing, all my life i have felt like i have had to struggle to be seen.  to be me.  to be understood or recognized for what i can do in this life of mine.  that middle daughter who was always the one to be different.  always reminded that when everyone else agreed on something i wanted something different.  the one with the tattoos (god forbid) and piercings because i see it as an expression of art.  that is who i am.  why have i always been frowned on for expressing who i am?  or criticized?  even still as a grown woman, i feel rediculed or inferior for the goals i would like to acheive or the direction i want to go.  is this why i am an alcoholic?  do i just crave attention?  acceptance?  did alcohol let me be me?  why do i have these feelings and questions still.  926 fucking days.  shouldnt i be fine now.  full of life and on the road to a new me????
i'm not saying my life is bad and in all honesty i should be the happiest woman ever.  i have fantastic, responsible, loving children.  well adults now.  i have a husband who is loving, understanding most of the time and would do almost anything i ask.  i don't want for anything.  i am actually an extremely lucky woman.  why am i not happy?  am i a fool?  i find my mind wandering so much lately.  i cant stay focused and i feel weak.  i want to drink.  yet i dont want to drink.  it's been to long sober to feel this.
why the hell did this have to happen to me?  why?



what you describing is untreated alcoholism.
when i just started out in recovery one of the 1st things I was told isto remove the word \"why\" from my vocabulary. It just is.