why me?

926 days sober!!!! woohoo me.  i have set a goal for 1000 days.  november 21, 2010
wow.  i'm not sure why i count days sober.  to remind myself maybe that i can be successful?  that i am doing this?  so when i am feeling weak i can look at the number for strength? 
this has been a journey i never in a million years expected to be on.  an alcoholic?  how could i be an alcoholic?  my parents didn't drink.  i don't remember seeing relatives drink and if they did it was at a special occasion.  my sisters and brother don't drink. why me?  why?  am i a failure?  the proverbial black sheep?  it's a funny thing, all my life i have felt like i have had to struggle to be seen.  to be me.  to be understood or recognized for what i can do in this life of mine.  that middle daughter who was always the one to be different.  always reminded that when everyone else agreed on something i wanted something different.  the one with the tattoos (god forbid) and piercings because i see it as an expression of art.  that is who i am.  why have i always been frowned on for expressing who i am?  or criticized?  even still as a grown woman, i feel rediculed or inferior for the goals i would like to acheive or the direction i want to go.  is this why i am an alcoholic?  do i just crave attention?  acceptance?  did alcohol let me be me?  why do i have these feelings and questions still.  926 fucking days.  shouldnt i be fine now.  full of life and on the road to a new me????
i'm not saying my life is bad and in all honesty i should be the happiest woman ever.  i have fantastic, responsible, loving children.  well adults now.  i have a husband who is loving, understanding most of the time and would do almost anything i ask.  i don't want for anything.  i am actually an extremely lucky woman.  why am i not happy?  am i a fool?  i find my mind wandering so much lately.  i cant stay focused and i feel weak.  i want to drink.  yet i dont want to drink.  it's been to long sober to feel this.
why the hell did this have to happen to me?  why?
always
dragonfly

Replies

gjm
gjm

what you describing is untreated alcoholism.
when i just started out in recovery one of the 1st things I was told isto remove the word \"why\" from my vocabulary. It just is.