"Why would a cheerleader want to kill herself?" -Kyle, from the hospital

   Those words has stuck with me for quite sometime.
   Kyle was a good friend of mine in the hospital. We haven't talked since then and I don't think we ever will reconnect. We were told not to have any contact after discharge but I broke the rules with Jordan and Hunter. Everyone else is just a wonderful fading memory.
   Back to the original point of this journal entry... I used to cheer before my school cut the program. I absolutely loved it. It was my athletic get away. When I was in the hospital I had my cheer jacket with me. Kyle saw it and in the middle of progress group he asks me,
   "You're a cheerleader?"
   I replied in an uncomfortable tone. "Yeah."
   "Why would a cheerleader want to kill herself?"
   Sam, Carlos, George and Collin all stared at me. I didn't say anything.
   It was then I realized people had no idea. I put up such a good front. I actually believed I was happy at school. And since I believed it, no one had a reason to think otherwise.
   That's why people are so shocked when I tell them. I'm so good at faking it. The lies I tell would blow your mind to trick you into thinking I'm perfectly alright. The truth is, I'm always dieing inside. Something is always crushing me. Whenever I go out in public I can hardly breathe.
   People never suspect the pretty girl is in pain. If you have a smile and trendy jeans on, you're automatically okay. But that's not true. Everyone is fucked up. Execpt the ones with perfect lives. Never lost a loved one, never felt any serious pain. I don't know how they just glide through life without getting hurt. It disgusts me.
   Jordan, I wish I would have gotten to see you this summer. I miss you like hell and I love you more then breathing. You know that.