Why won\'t my heart go along with my mind???

I do not get it!  I am a smart, strong woman who can see clearly what others should do to help themselves through the pain.  I also listen to my own advise.  I am investing in myself!  Spending time with my kids, friends and not passing up a chance to make new friends.  I pray daily, read books about strength. Even went to church today!  I actually had a date last night with a very nice man who treated me like a lady should be treated.  Yet all I can do is fight back tears STILL!!!  When my ex  "pretended" to love me and more importantly be my friend I believed it all.  We always had a wonderful time together and I still can't believe it was all an act.  He made too many grand gestures and let me get too close to him and his family and he to mine to just be in it for a piece of ass! I know on some level he felt for me too!  Not as deeply as me, I'm sure but it was so cruel of him to lead me on knowing I was just getting out of a 20 year abbussive marriage! I still do not understand his total withdrawl from me.  He claims he doesn't want a relationship with anyone (I believe that 48 and NEVER married or even close) but if I had not caught him in the lie about his ex (who is not someone he wants for real either, long story but I am sure of that!) we would still be seeing each other several times a week and enjoying eachothers company.  I didn't act like what he did was OK by any means but we did have a long talk and I said I would forgive him and we could continue to enjoy an honest friendship because neither of us have many close friends.  I have accepted he is not "the one" we want different things out of life.  I asked why he didn't just tell me that he didn't want what he knew I was looking for, I gave him plenty of chances and he said because he knew I would not "have it" as he put it.  I explained he never gave me a chance!  I told him although I loved him and probably always would I don't trust him so I know he is not my future soulmate so now the pressure would be off and we could enjoy each other honestly with our eyes wide open and no expectations. He said that sounded good and  a week later we spent an evening watching movies and enjoying each other.  We both smiled the whole night!  Then last weekend we spent the night at a sweet place on the river and acted like two love sick kids.  Had a great time.  No drama or anything!  He told his friends he had a "perfect weekend" and his Mom that we had a great time!  He thanked me several times and we talked like we would continue to enjoy each other!  I stopped telling him I love him and just said he was special to me and I enjoyed his friendship.  Now he will email or text and we have talked once or twice in the past week but only about unimprotant things.  I asked about maybe having some friends over to his house for the race on the 4th (normal for us) I thought it would be fun.  Told him to think about it and he just said "Okie Dokie" No shit that was his answer!  Me being me I made the mistake of asking when he would have time to get togther last time we talked and he said he didn't know!! I said why are you oposed to seeing me and he said I am not opposed to anything, yea right!!  How can people who are "pretending to be your best friend, lover future on day just turn off any desire to see you the next??  I have been looking hard for that off switch and still can't find it.  This guy does know right from wrong unlike my exhusband! He knows he did a shitty thing and I think maybe it is his guilt keeping him away? Any ideas?? We fought once before, he was wrong and he could face me for a month and a half.  He said he couldn't face seeing the pain in my eyes that he had caused so he gave me space to get past it before we resumed our "whatever it was".  Nothing makes sense. We are soulmates on so many levels and HE KNOWS IT but I require effort he is not willing to give (like any thing worth having).  We will pick the same TV show to watch out of 800 channels, we love viedo games, pool, darts, where born in the same hospital in Chicago a year appart!  Our grandparents took us to the same Kiddy Land as children, probably at the same time! Both of our families were Catholic, 3 kids, 2 boys, one girl.  Our parent grew up in the same citynear the same age.  We were both moved to Florida where we met in high school and dated for a bit.  We "hooked up again" when I was 19, he 20 but it wasn't the right time for us (others involved!).  Then didn't speak for 25+ years until my divorce.  Dying inside I prayed to God for strength not to take my drunk husband back out of fear and lonliness and the next day I got an email from this guy saying he had often thought about me over the last 25 years and hoped I was happy.  At first I let him think I was and we formed a friendship never crossing the line!  Then a few months in I dropped the bomb that I was soon to be single and he seem to rejoice in having a chance at me.  I bought it all hook line and sinker.  We even picked out a new home together, that he had built telling the real estate people my kids and I would be living with him!  We picked colors together, the lot so that I could have the ppol I wanted and the water he wanted.  We documented the entire process in pictures. When the move cam we both took a week off of work and played house getting it all set up trying to blend our tastes.  Pictures of me and my kids are still all over his house, or at least were last week!  I still have clothes, a toothbrush and girly things under the sink in the master bath he always refered to as mine. He went through more trouble for me and my kids than for his own family!  It all seemed great, not perfect but it appeared we were working together to get it right,  I was not in a hurry and put no pressure on him that should have made him lie or cheat. After the cat was out of the bag I wanted?needed to know why he put on such an act.  He has yet to explain anything that makes sense!  I told him if you care or cared about me at all just spill it!!  I can't be anymore hurt so don't hold back! Am I too fat, are you not attracted to me, is it the kids (he has none), can't cook well enough, clean well enough, too stupid??  What makes him not want me in his life at all now, when my company was worth lying to keep me for a year and a half?  I explained you can have me now without all of the pressure of keeping up the lie.  He gives his famous I know Baby answer! Which is no answer!  If I understood I think it would help to get past it!  Instead I go over and over in my mind the events of the last 19 months and try to figure out what went wrong and when it turned.  I asked if I hadn't caught him how long would he have kept up the lie to continue to have me in his life.  He wouldn't anwser me.  He is not that good of an actor so I know at least some of his feeling and the things we shared were genuine.  I think he got scared , his Mom agreed.  He never cared before about how he treated women but I believe he knows just how wrong he was and that I did not deserve what I got and he is avoiding me to avoid feling the guilt.  What do you guys think.  I miss the friendship!  First and foremost! (The sex too but that is another story, not why I loved him just a bonus!).  Shouls I just keep away, not easy!! or should I contact him from time to time to let him know I still miss "our good times".  I know not to pressure or ask for any thing even resembling a commitment.  Don't think I could ever trust him even if he woke up and offered to marry me tomorrow (I would run!). I am affraid if I just drop out of his life he will let me and just assume like all the other women before me, my feeling were not genuine. (They were and are). I don't want to give up on him, I want a relationship with him and will start at square one and see if anything honest can grow or not.  If not, I can deal with that!  Just having him care about me as a friend would help my healing! Help!  I am stuck in "I don't understand mode".  A month I was worth lying to his mother to be with now, I offer an honest friendship and he avoids me all together.  I would appreciate anyone helping to explain what is going on in his crazy head!  You guys are my strength!!! Thank God I found you!