why why why?

I used to love writing new journals.Now I never take the time.Why?I am not sure.Maybe because everyone else has so much going on who would have time to even take a look?Maybe because some days I want to share everything with everyone/others I dont want to share at all.I have always been different.I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder years ago.I took Paxil for awhile and got myself off of it.I did fine for a long time.But slowly it started coming back.And of course I denied it.When I was pregnant with Bella it was the worse it had ever been.And I think thats why my PPD was so bad.Its better but does it ever go away?Some days I wake up so happy/others I wake up hating the world.Some days I start off happy but come home hating life.Why?What is it?I have a good life.yes,theres problems.But everyone has those.Is it because I am so unhappy with the way I look?Why cant I be one of those women who loves themselves no matter what shape and size they are.Is it because my oldest daughter has no motivation in life and doesnt give a rats ass about me or the family?I didnt raise her that way.Her dad left when she was little but I was ALWAYS there for her and I still am.Is it because I have a selfish husband who only thinks of himself and can never be there when I need him?I should be used to it.He is husband #3 for me..Yeah #3..I know..But I am a good person.a good wife and a good mother.So why do they walk all over me?Because I let them,right?My kids and family have always been first in my life and I guess I am just wanting to be somebodys #1 too