Why today, what makes it any different..?
Why today? there is nothing particularly special about today? there was no tragic event or otherwise that happened that would make me hit this low.. so why?
I guess it just all caught up with me.. all the dark thoughts and the realization of what I'm becoming..
I wish there was an assistant suicide you could just call up and help end your life, because I deserve to end it.. I really do, but I just don't have that courage myself.. I don't have the courage to enter that mysterious darkness of the end.. I need to be pushed into it, or maybe just get a running start on it, like the courage to take just one step onto train tracks, or one step off a cliff, one street pole with my foot on the gas.
I've become a monster.. the monster my mother told me I would become when I was 12.. I've started watching hentai, and more often then not its with kids as the sexual focus, and.. well I've been enjoying it, I HATE THAT.. I'm disgusted with myself, but I know that I would never go there.. although I said the same thing about cheating on my GF.. yip I'm that pig as-well.. everything I never wanted to be..
I've convinced myself not to tell my girlfriend.. I love her with all my heart and never want to loose her, and "I was drunk" is how I rationalize it to myself.. fuck I'm a looser..
She's (my GF) wanting to move in.. Well she IS moving in.. My mother, is already living with me, homeless otherwise, at least she can keep the house clean and make sure I eat, and I don't get lost in my depression, I can just take it out on her.. in my mind at-least.. and now with my GF there is even less freedom to be myself.. and I'm not sure if that's a good thing just yet.. My GF is going to be able to help financially, which is in a very sad state right now.. shes already got a job and everything.
The worst part of it all..? I know there are people that have gone through worse, had a worse life, yet I feel I can go on simply because of the little shit I have.. well.. I guess its different, I don't think I SHOULD go on.. I don't want to escalate into the thing my mom told me I'd be.. I'm sick of hurting everyone that I care about.. this emotional mutilation I keep inflicting on myself and others..
I hope to feel deaths embrace soon..
I guess it just all caught up with me.. all the dark thoughts and the realization of what I'm becoming..
I wish there was an assistant suicide you could just call up and help end your life, because I deserve to end it.. I really do, but I just don't have that courage myself.. I don't have the courage to enter that mysterious darkness of the end.. I need to be pushed into it, or maybe just get a running start on it, like the courage to take just one step onto train tracks, or one step off a cliff, one street pole with my foot on the gas.
I've become a monster.. the monster my mother told me I would become when I was 12.. I've started watching hentai, and more often then not its with kids as the sexual focus, and.. well I've been enjoying it, I HATE THAT.. I'm disgusted with myself, but I know that I would never go there.. although I said the same thing about cheating on my GF.. yip I'm that pig as-well.. everything I never wanted to be..
I've convinced myself not to tell my girlfriend.. I love her with all my heart and never want to loose her, and "I was drunk" is how I rationalize it to myself.. fuck I'm a looser..
She's (my GF) wanting to move in.. Well she IS moving in.. My mother, is already living with me, homeless otherwise, at least she can keep the house clean and make sure I eat, and I don't get lost in my depression, I can just take it out on her.. in my mind at-least.. and now with my GF there is even less freedom to be myself.. and I'm not sure if that's a good thing just yet.. My GF is going to be able to help financially, which is in a very sad state right now.. shes already got a job and everything.
The worst part of it all..? I know there are people that have gone through worse, had a worse life, yet I feel I can go on simply because of the little shit I have.. well.. I guess its different, I don't think I SHOULD go on.. I don't want to escalate into the thing my mom told me I'd be.. I'm sick of hurting everyone that I care about.. this emotional mutilation I keep inflicting on myself and others..
I hope to feel deaths embrace soon..
Replies
Ok Endless, this sounds very different from your post today. So much of this sounds unhealthy, and it\'s not about you being a loser, it\'s about a big unhealthy situation that isn\'t going to help you emotionally. I understand that you may not have any other options, but that doesn\'t make the current situation any better.
Before I go any further, don\'t be offended by anything I write. I\'m a black-and-white type of person, that\'s how I think, and I\'m not very good at sugar-coating or breaking something gently.
There probably is nothing special about today that made you feel so bad. That happens to me too. I\'m working therapy to try to identify triggers and early feelings so I can head them off before it gets really bad. That\'s something that would probably benefit you too - there may have been little warning signs that you didn\'t recognize, not by any fault of your own. But if you can get into therapy with a good therapist, that\'s something you can work on.
I know what it feels like to feel like you deserve to die, but the reason you can\'t do it yourself is probably because there is some tiny part of you deep down inside that doesn\'t want to die. LISTEN TO THAT TINY PART! It\'s screaming out to you, so right now you need to just make it through this time.
I\'m concerned about what your mother may have said to you when you were a kid, and her living with you now...is your relationship healthy?
Ultimately, it\'s your choice to be honest with your girlfriend or not, but please don\'t use intoxication to rationalize your actions to yourself. That\'s opening a door that can lead to all sorts of things. At least try admit to yourself that you made a mistake, and you want to try to do better.
I\'m pushing my opinion on you more than I usually would, but you asked for it in your post...
Oy, I don\'t even know what to say about the paragraph about not being able to be yourself at home. There is so much wrong with that. When I\'m depressed, my boyfriend is one of my biggest supports. I don\'t have to tell him all the gory details, but he gets that I\'m feeling bad, or horrible, or whatever and is supportive. It\'s hard to live when you\'re pretending to be OK. Trust me, I\'ve been there and done that too, it makes depression suck even worse because you really are alone in your feelings. I think if your gf is moving in, then you should be able to talk with her about your feelings.
Finally, it doesn\'t matter what other people have gone through or are going through. This is your life, and you have to live it. You don\'t live anyone else\'s life. So, yeah, this sucks, and it\'s super hard for you right now. Don\'t think about other people, focus on getting through your life now.
I really hope you reach out to a doc or a therapist. You would really benefit from their help and support.