WHY JERRED IS MY SUNSHINEI
24 years have now passed since that horrible day that I lost my son Jerred at age 6years and 10 days old. This is the day of his wake, reviewal whatever you want to call it. I just know it is a horrible day as it is when I saw my adorable little boy all laid out in a box that the next day would be put in the ground with all the worms and bugs and whatever else is down there.
It was a gloomy and rainy day that day and I felt in a fog all day. Getting ready to go to the funeral home was horrible I did not want to go I did not want to see my baby in a box I did not want to have to deal with people and their well meaning words and tears. I was having enough trouble containing my own and taking care of my other 2 boys and keeping them comforted, especially my Jono. His dad was no help as he just stayed in a drunken stupor and to himself only spoke when he was spoken to. I needed to make all the decisions as he could not even to the point of what clothes HE would wear. That day no one really came over just kept getting calls seeing if I needed help with anything etc. There was nothing anyone could do because no one could bring my little bug back to me and what I was about to do had me so anxious and scared. Finally I had all of us ready and the babysitter for Joey came, so in the car we got and drove the 10 minutes to the funeral home. We got there right at 3 and most of both of our families were already there even though none of them could go in until 4. I guess they thought it was being supportive but I did not want anyone there yet This was my private time to saymy goodbyes to my Jerred.
When we walked into the funeral home the first thing I saw was this huge framed poster full of pictures of my bug and his feet prints that he ha made in pre-school. The tears began to roll slowly down my face my sister and sister-inlaw had been busy. I tool a deep breath and told Greg and Jono ok let's go and see Jerred. Like I said it had been raining when we walked in but as we walked down the middle aisle towards him a beam of sunlight started to come through one of the stained glass windows. The closer we got the brighter the light did and it was shining only on Jerred. By the time we got to him the sunlight was so bright it almost hurt my eyes but OH MY it was beautiful and Jerred just shone like the true angel he now was. We stood there for quite awhile I help his stiff little hand arranged his nlanket stuffed animal and baseball mitt just how I wanted it in there with him. Finally Jono said Mom can we go now I am done. I hated to leave my angel but knew there were things that had to ahppen and I could not stay there forever. As we started walking away the sunlight slowlywent away the same way it had started so that by the time we got the back it was gone. He shone only for us that day no one else.
Like I said earlier I was in a fog and it continued as the people just flowed through later I was told over 400 people came to express their sympathy. After the prayer service and most had left my mom looked at me and said you could not have know all those people. I looked at her and said "Yeah you are right I did not know the 3 prople you work with but other wise YES MOM I KNEW EVERYONE!" (Side note my mom and I never got alone very well I was daddys gitl and she was very jealous of the relationship he and I had. Plus I could never do a single thing right for her so she could not comprehend that that many people knew me and liked me.)
Once it was just family left there they all wanted to go somewhere and eat I just wanted to go home and hug my boys in peace and quiet as I still had the funeral the next day to get through. Well that did not happen they all came over to my house and sat and ate and talked until around 10. Yes I had been given tranquilzers but would not take them because I needed to be there for Jono who was having a difficult time sleeping and with his dad drunk I was the only one he could rely on to be there for him.
I think that night I slept for maybe an hour or two as I held bith my babies all night long.
Replies
Oh yes, those days are tender and forever written in the hearts of their ever loving moms, huh? Your description of Jerred is beautiful and I can understand why he is your sunshine! Sending love on these difficult days, Leda
Such a sad day. That sunshine was such a lovely respite. I am so touched by your description.
Sending Jerred and you the tenderest of hearthugs.
Debbie
In the remembering IS the healing. May you continue to remember and feel your lovely son holding your hand and heart as you do. Loving care XO
Thank you my fellow mom's I knew you would understand where I was at. This is the first time this part hit me so hard right in my heart. The picture was so very vivid and I could not get it to leave so I thought maybe if I wrote it out it would help (as you can tell I was crying quite hard while typing it). This morning I had to go to a friends house and help with her garage sale. She is my former minister she just retired. This lady has an uncanny ability of knowing immediately something is wrong and is very close to knowing what is wrong with out anyone saying a word. So when she said what are you remembering about Jerred I just stared with tears falling. When I told her she said I want you to keep repeating the word Victourious because Jerred is over death and the picture in your mind with sun was his spirit telling you that. No one has ever been able to understand me and my grief like she does. After that every time the picture popped into my mind I would say "Victourious" and it would go away and I could smile instead of cry. I know my bug is with me sometimes more so then others but today he was right with me the entire day and still is holding my hand! Hand in hand heart to heart to all of you wonderful ladies who I can call friend Thank you XOXOXO Susie
I doubt anyone will read this and not cry... Its okay... we can do this and even want to... to mourn but also to rejoice... as I am... I do believe God gifted you with a sign with that ray of light that fell only for you all as you came to him... I am glad you felt able to share your pain too and hope that it will continue to let you know you are heard and that we care. I do the same a lot of times... and it does help. Hugs Elissa
Thank you and right back at you Elissa. I am thankful this week is now over for another year as it really took it's toll on me and the one person I figured would be there for me was not and that added to the hurt. But I also know people who have not lost a child can not understand that we can not "Get over it" like they think we should. These were are babies a part of ourselves that we lost and in my book I know I can not get over losing that part of me. Hugs and prayers
Jerred is truly your sonshine! What a wonderful gift from God and your son on that sad and terrible day. I have tears streaming down my face as I read your words. For you, for me, for all of us who have had to bury their child. Thank goodness we have each other for support and understanding. And your minister and friend is right. There is victory over death thanks to Jesus! Love to you and dear Jerred, linda
Linda you are right we are the only ones who can truly understand what each of us goes through. Yes God blessed me again brining her into my life, just upset it is for a short time as they will be leaving Minnesota and moving to North Carolina. Just happy for cell phones and commputers so we can still stay talk. Heart to heart and hand to hand we will travel this journey of ours together. Love and Hugs Susie
♡