Why is it so hard?

Sometimes I just don't feel like battling this disease.  It is so difficult to stay positive.  I so miss all the things that I once could do.  Especially going for a run or doing a really hard workout.  I feel so fat and flabby.  I am not a fat person, however I am so used to being firmer and in shape.  The fatigue really wipes me out and I can't seem to work out at a level where I see the type of changes that I would like to see.  I keep on fighting anyway.  It is like I refuse to let this disease beat me, however it wears me down emotionally.  It is exhausting to be worried about every step I take.  It is exhausting to try to lift me left leg successfully.  And keeping a positive attitude sometimes is hard work and makes me tired.  Sometimes I just wish I could just quit.  Sometimes I feel so hopeless and don't know how I am going to do this.  And in the same moment, I cling to life and don't want to give up.    I am impressed with my husbands choice to be loving last night.  Often when I am down he shuts down and doesn't know what I need.  And although he was slow to comfort me, he finally did come over and hug me.  Then he reminded me that he could do for me what I can't do.  Most days that is true, however every now and then he gets put out.  I often hate to ask for fear he might be resentful.  I hate being a burden.  I swallow my pride and ask anyway. Today I am at work and feel OK.  Not terribly perky.  Kinda thick and sleepy.  But my work environment and the people around me make work a joy.  Even through the struggle of a hard day. I had a hard night last night, however I did complete quite a few chores.  I dusted the whole book shelf and living room,  Went grocery shopping, and cooked dinner.  I did over do it a bit and the massage I promised my husband I could not give.  I just want to be a good wife.  And I feel like this disease has stolen from me joy.  I used to be happier and more fun.  I feel boring and tired.  Grumpy and short tempered.  And because I have to watch the overdo factor, I am self focused.  I am tired and I just want to feel no worries.   I know my peace and joy should be found in the Lord.  I know in heaven I will not have this broken down body.  I struggle to remember this often.  I continue to pray for healing.  I continue to work towards accepting what is.  I continue to press forward and do what I can to keep what I have (muscular strength) as long as I can.