Why is it so hard?
Sometimes I just don't feel like battling this disease. It is so difficult to stay positive. I so miss all the things that I once could do. Especially going for a run or doing a really hard workout. I feel so fat and flabby. I am not a fat person, however I am so used to being firmer and in shape. The fatigue really wipes me out and I can't seem to work out at a level where I see the type of changes that I would like to see. I keep on fighting anyway. It is like I refuse to let this disease beat me, however it wears me down emotionally. It is exhausting to be worried about every step I take. It is exhausting to try to lift me left leg successfully. And keeping a positive attitude sometimes is hard work and makes me tired. Sometimes I just wish I could just quit. Sometimes I feel so hopeless and don't know how I am going to do this. And in the same moment, I cling to life and don't want to give up. I am impressed with my husbands choice to be loving last night. Often when I am down he shuts down and doesn't know what I need. And although he was slow to comfort me, he finally did come over and hug me. Then he reminded me that he could do for me what I can't do. Most days that is true, however every now and then he gets put out. I often hate to ask for fear he might be resentful. I hate being a burden. I swallow my pride and ask anyway. Today I am at work and feel OK. Not terribly perky. Kinda thick and sleepy. But my work environment and the people around me make work a joy. Even through the struggle of a hard day. I had a hard night last night, however I did complete quite a few chores. I dusted the whole book shelf and living room, Went grocery shopping, and cooked dinner. I did over do it a bit and the massage I promised my husband I could not give. I just want to be a good wife. And I feel like this disease has stolen from me joy. I used to be happier and more fun. I feel boring and tired. Grumpy and short tempered. And because I have to watch the overdo factor, I am self focused. I am tired and I just want to feel no worries. I know my peace and joy should be found in the Lord. I know in heaven I will not have this broken down body. I struggle to remember this often. I continue to pray for healing. I continue to work towards accepting what is. I continue to press forward and do what I can to keep what I have (muscular strength) as long as I can.