WHY I SUFFER FROM OVERCOMMITTMENT
I am finally writing about AN ISSUE I FEEL IS VERY COMPLEX AND HAS CAUSED ME ALOT OF GUILT.
Over the last 6 months it is becoming more clear to me what I have had as life long struggle, why I feel so alone aside from just cfs and how I need to heal by self forgiveness.
Have been afraid people would not understand my level of activity, be critical of it or even jealous.
Has taken me years to sort out why I stay so active when suffering so much physically. GUILT has been huge--- I feel like it is an addiction and I am doing more harm to my body.
Asking me to stay away from community meetings is like asking me to not see my family, children or grandchildren. I am heartbroken, angry, anxious and in a rage. Reasons why I go out so much when almost always in tears, practically fainting, etc..
Perfectionism....raised to always commit to things, immense enjoyment with interacting with others,
Stimulated by discussion in groups, never had a stable home life (9 or so relationships failed), lost interest in homemaking by age 30, very ambitious to have a career helping people.
fulfillment of my career, 9 years of school.....unfulfilled life goal of being a community social worker.
Also, since I was a young teenager I ALWAYS FELT SICK WHEN TIRED AND DIFFERENTLY THAN OTHERS, THEREFORE I HAVE LITTLE EXPERIENCE FEELING WELL. I also had a wicked step mother from age 11-19 who told me my complaints were too much AND EVERYONE FEELS SO TIRED- get used to it.
Last 4 years symptoms keep me from any rest during the day, tremors, inability to stand up and walk(POTS), SEVERE ANXIETY AND RAGE,claustrophobia, severe depression and irritability being at home- clutter takes away all joy. (I can see now, that I keep things fairly organized and my apt is filled with beautiful heirlooms). I could not see this fact for over 5 years after menopause when developed depression,anxiety and worse health.
I feel that 20% of the people I have ever met (and I've met ALOT) have a similiar self expectation of accomplishment and activity. I am secretly jealous of people who can relax more, are not so ambitious,etc..
Possible that I have been bi-polar along with cfs for 44 years!! Makes sense with the manic thinking and activity and then horrible crashes-- especially in "rapid cycles".
My life has been incredibly enriched by the huge amount of organizations and groups I have been a part of. When the depression started lifting about a year ago, I was able to see that I felt my activity "was never enough" and I actually felt deprived while attending about 4 different groups per week!
It is a slow process for me to accept that the vast variety of community work I did from age 25-50, will have to be reduced by about 75% because of my health. These groups have been MY FAMILY. They were there for me when I was raped, abused, abandoned in winter as a teen when parents wouldn't pick me up from bus stations, when social assistance letters arrived saying my WHOLE CHECK would be cancelled in 5 days with no explanation (couldn't pay rent or feed my kid).
When fired from jobs with no notice, when my first husband who,was supposed to, be babysitting our infant, met me outside while I ran errands (he was going to leave us and leave the baby in the apartment.)
I will continue this later, I am almost sick just thinking about some of this -- but very relieved to get it out.
I think we all have different self expectations. When I was praying I received a message last month. Feeling guilt, I asked "Why have I been so loyal to everyone I meet, and end up naive and very hurt by some of the? And then I get sicker?" the answer came to me. BECAUSE I NATURALLY LOVE PEOPLE UNCONDITIONALLY. I also felt that "to those that much is given, much is expected.
Over the last 6 months it is becoming more clear to me what I have had as life long struggle, why I feel so alone aside from just cfs and how I need to heal by self forgiveness.
Have been afraid people would not understand my level of activity, be critical of it or even jealous.
Has taken me years to sort out why I stay so active when suffering so much physically. GUILT has been huge--- I feel like it is an addiction and I am doing more harm to my body.
Asking me to stay away from community meetings is like asking me to not see my family, children or grandchildren. I am heartbroken, angry, anxious and in a rage. Reasons why I go out so much when almost always in tears, practically fainting, etc..
Perfectionism....raised to always commit to things, immense enjoyment with interacting with others,
Stimulated by discussion in groups, never had a stable home life (9 or so relationships failed), lost interest in homemaking by age 30, very ambitious to have a career helping people.
fulfillment of my career, 9 years of school.....unfulfilled life goal of being a community social worker.
Also, since I was a young teenager I ALWAYS FELT SICK WHEN TIRED AND DIFFERENTLY THAN OTHERS, THEREFORE I HAVE LITTLE EXPERIENCE FEELING WELL. I also had a wicked step mother from age 11-19 who told me my complaints were too much AND EVERYONE FEELS SO TIRED- get used to it.
Last 4 years symptoms keep me from any rest during the day, tremors, inability to stand up and walk(POTS), SEVERE ANXIETY AND RAGE,claustrophobia, severe depression and irritability being at home- clutter takes away all joy. (I can see now, that I keep things fairly organized and my apt is filled with beautiful heirlooms). I could not see this fact for over 5 years after menopause when developed depression,anxiety and worse health.
I feel that 20% of the people I have ever met (and I've met ALOT) have a similiar self expectation of accomplishment and activity. I am secretly jealous of people who can relax more, are not so ambitious,etc..
Possible that I have been bi-polar along with cfs for 44 years!! Makes sense with the manic thinking and activity and then horrible crashes-- especially in "rapid cycles".
My life has been incredibly enriched by the huge amount of organizations and groups I have been a part of. When the depression started lifting about a year ago, I was able to see that I felt my activity "was never enough" and I actually felt deprived while attending about 4 different groups per week!
It is a slow process for me to accept that the vast variety of community work I did from age 25-50, will have to be reduced by about 75% because of my health. These groups have been MY FAMILY. They were there for me when I was raped, abused, abandoned in winter as a teen when parents wouldn't pick me up from bus stations, when social assistance letters arrived saying my WHOLE CHECK would be cancelled in 5 days with no explanation (couldn't pay rent or feed my kid).
When fired from jobs with no notice, when my first husband who,was supposed to, be babysitting our infant, met me outside while I ran errands (he was going to leave us and leave the baby in the apartment.)
I will continue this later, I am almost sick just thinking about some of this -- but very relieved to get it out.
I think we all have different self expectations. When I was praying I received a message last month. Feeling guilt, I asked "Why have I been so loyal to everyone I meet, and end up naive and very hurt by some of the? And then I get sicker?" the answer came to me. BECAUSE I NATURALLY LOVE PEOPLE UNCONDITIONALLY. I also felt that "to those that much is given, much is expected.
Replies
I wrote a long response and DS ATE IT! AGH! I\'m proud of you for doing an internal inventory to see why you push yourself to the limit. Just remember that you count too. It\'s good to love unconditionally, but you can\'t just wear yourself out. Make sure not all of your relationships are too one-sided. I\'m in your corner. Love you.
Sorry it\'s taken me so long to get here! I too am so proud of you for all the internal reflection and work you are doing. It takes a lot of courage to do so! But SO very worth it.
I spent time with my healer/spiritual teacher on this subject and I continue to work on it. I examined the reason I did things. For every action, I asked myself... why are you doing this Amanda? And I was stunned. I was amazed how much fear and guilt were behind it all. I gave myself a few days to NOT do things that came from those two things. Know what happened? I didn\'t do hardly anything and got very depressed ! But eventually, I started feeling like doing things that come from love. My healer calls it \"inspired \" action. Life changing stuff!
Giving can be such a beautiful thing. But in my personal experience, I tend to over give. Extreme self sacrifice. I fed everyone else but left hardly any food for myself on my plate. I have discovered that when I feed myself first, I naturally feel inspired to take action to help others.
I commend you on your journey my friend. The only way to see in the dark is to look for the light.
Love and hugs...
It\'s all part of our healing journey .To reflect and analyze our past.So many sad and unfortunate experiences have contributed to our suffering and illness here and now today. We do need to be aware of all of this but find a way to release it and move forward.Easier said than done.You have been hurt and abandoned so many times during your life and you want to feel self worth and you need to feel loved.I think that accumulative stress and trauma leave us deeply wounded and make it very difficult for us to heal on many levels.I have been reading about the Ashok Gupta program and it makes a lot of sense to me.I understand why you push yourself even when you are so ill. I have a lot in common with you Tiina.Lately I have been digging deep and searching for explanations and understanding within myself.Even when we have realizations it is not always easy to break our programmed patterns or to heal painful wounds. You are sacrificing yourself even when you are so low in energy, to be heard..to feel significant...to feel loved.We need healing for body mind and soul.So wonderful that we have each other here for starters.There are so many kind and sensitive souls on DS.It is no ordinary place.It is quite special.All love and healing my lovely redhead friend.xo
I am so grateful and uplifted by all of your comments, my dear friends! Being able to share such personal life struggles is truly a blessing.
You\'ve covered a lot of ground in this e-mail. I\'ve taken a few classes at
a center where I go on giving and receiving. It\'s actually enlightening to
know there are classes on this topic. A lot of what you\'ve written deals with
this \'problem\' . Especially, with women I feel. When I grew up in the 50\'s
the message was to \'be nice\' and woman were expected to be more
giving and also strong. If you may\'ve had a co-dependent parent where
you were given rewards for caretaking this can add to it.
It\'s a complex issue and you seem to be unravelling it for sure.
Getting in touch with your anger is for sure important. Recognizing and
honoring your own needs can be helpful. Thank you for writing this
journal. It was helpful for me to read also today, to be reminded of
how overextending ourselves can lead to burnout. To be reminded
of how we can change to take better care of ourselves
I\'ve had similar feelings of guilt. I was an active member of every organization I belonged to. Suddenly I could barely get off the couch. My work performance was way below what it had always been. I ended up quitting because I was so frustrated. Now, 17 years later, I can\'t do anything but small chores. My husband cooks, shops, takes care of the house, the yard and the dog.
The person I was 17 years ago is gone.She had a great life. My kids were all in college when I got sick so at least I they had a healthy mom. And I was okay when my first granddaughter was little.
Gradually I realized that rather than focus on what I can\'t do anymore I need to focus on what I can do. And when I look at the past I focus on what a wonderful life I had. It works most of the time. I do have \'poor little me\' days.
I saw your journal at the bottom of the CFS page. So I read it. I hope I\'ve helped.