Why I smoke...

I thought this would be a good time to really think about why I started smoking again. I quit 21 Dec 2006 when we drove into California. I didn't smoke for almost 2 years. Then shit happened and I picked it up. It is my stress crutch. So I decided to really think about why I started up again. I think it has to do with a few things. When I am stressed I get really angry. Smoking gives me a chance to walk away and cool down. No one will let me walk away just to walk away... but no one wants to be near me when I smoke. So I am "allowed" to smoke and cool down all by myself. Frankly, I think that's selfish of them. If they walk away, they EXPECT me to leave them alone. But it's not okay the other way around. But the smoking has become my own little retreat. So I am going to have to think about how to deal with getting some cool down time. Part of it is that I don't feel totally pissed off when I am smoking. I have something else to think about and it calms me (even if I haven't smoked in 2 years). So I need to think of other techniques for calming myself. I am thinking maybe I could journal if nothing else. But I am not always near a computer, so that may not be the best thing. I guess not smoking is going to force me to deal with all my not-so-happy emotions. Ick.