Why I have anxiety
It has been pretty difficult for me to deal with the abuse I suffered at the hands of my boyfriend. Its been so hard I've kind of put off dealing with my child abuse which is the hardest thing.today was another pivotal point for me, my mom tried giving me advice about a situation which I didn't find helpful. To cut a long story short, I basicly told her that she wasn't allowed to give me advice on this subject.I told her if I had listened to her and my dad about how I should handle my life i would be institutionalised by now.When I was a child my dad was (an still is) an alcoholic. God knows what other mental health problems he has, but compared to him I look like the sanest person alive.I love my dad to pieces, but I told my mom that when I was little I felt like I grew up too fast, and I had responsibilities that other children didn't. I felt like my dad's mood was my responsibility.He would be very inconsistent with the way I was disciplinned. I basicly had no stability growing up, I was a good child but if it came to a point where I was acting badly and needed disciplin (when I was drinking and partying all the time as a teen, no one seemed to mind) but i would get in trouble for other things that could be as small as a hand gesture, a tone of voice, or not liking a certain type of food. He would just go spare at me and say the most nasty hurtful things. He would even say that he would leave me and my mom, because I obviously wasn't grateful to have him as a parent, he would say that he would call social services and get me taken away, he would even go as far as picking up the phone and have me begging him not to do it. He would tell me that he would sell me to gypsies or throw me in the wheelie bin for the bin men to take away. If he introduced me to people he'd always say "katie don't act so shy this time, its so embarassing" and say Id humiliated him when I tried to act boystrous to compensate.Sometimes I got locked out of the house, sometimes if my mom had gone on a night out, he'd say she had left because I had upset her. As a consequence of this unpredictability I was always self concious about the way I acted, weather I was going to upset him, reading him to see what mood he was in, weather I could get away with making a joke or not, trying not to be suspiciously quiet.And I still am like that today, I can't get out of that constantly on edge frame of mind, I can't get away from that over analytical behaviour. This is why I have anxiety disorder. And I'm proud I've spotted that because maybe it means I can get better now.