Why I Cannot Cut Anymore
There are a lot of reasons I feel I cannot cut. Secrecy is a huge part of the cutting experience for me. Once people know it's almost as if the power is taken from it. I still crave it but it doesn't feel the same for me when I know people are aware of what I am doing. It doesn't feel as good; there is more guilt attached to the experience. I live with my girlfriend of 2.5 years and it would be simply impossible to hide it from her. She seems me naked every single day and we often shower together. I would never be able to get away with it and I do not want to lie to her. Her concern makes me so uncomfortable, because I don't like talking about it with the people who are closest to me. It makes me feel bad about something that most of the time I remember as an old friend. I want to at least be able to miss cutting without feeling like I'm hurting someone else.
I also have a strange fondness for the configuration of my current scars. They are all healed and the color has faded from all of them. I feel like it is a finished work of art and I cannot mess it up. I made a vow to only ever cut on the left side of my body and I have no desire to put scars on the right side of my body. The only exceptions are the few scars I have on the right side of my belly button and I wish those weren't there. So, I almost feel like I've run out of room. I still have some room left on my left thigh but my favorite spot was always my forearm. Other parts of my body do not feel as good during the actual act.
When I cut, I want it to consume me and I know it will. I won't think about anything else while I'm doing it or after I'm done. Then I can spend the next days both making new cuts and caring meticulously for the old ones. While I might be doing other things my mind it always on my cuts. I would spend hours looking at them, touching them, pulling the scabs off and deciding which ones I was going to actually let heal. If I reopened them I got to continue to take care of them and see them bleed. I no longer live a life where I can afford to not be present. I need to be present at all times and I never get alone time. My work is usually pretty fast paced and it is important to be on the ball. Being distracted and making mistakes isn't really an options. I almost like the fact that I do not have the time to think of other things while I'm at work. When I'm home I am with my girlfriend. I need to be present to care for her and talk to her and continue to grow our relationship. I cannot allow cutting to completely consume me and, fortunately, I am in a position when I feel mostly in control of whether I actually complete the act. I haven't always been in this position and I know not everyone has a choice in the matter. I remember what it feels like to not be able to choose. The one thing I cannot control at the moment is whether I think about it. Whenever I can think about it, I do.
I also have a strange fondness for the configuration of my current scars. They are all healed and the color has faded from all of them. I feel like it is a finished work of art and I cannot mess it up. I made a vow to only ever cut on the left side of my body and I have no desire to put scars on the right side of my body. The only exceptions are the few scars I have on the right side of my belly button and I wish those weren't there. So, I almost feel like I've run out of room. I still have some room left on my left thigh but my favorite spot was always my forearm. Other parts of my body do not feel as good during the actual act.
When I cut, I want it to consume me and I know it will. I won't think about anything else while I'm doing it or after I'm done. Then I can spend the next days both making new cuts and caring meticulously for the old ones. While I might be doing other things my mind it always on my cuts. I would spend hours looking at them, touching them, pulling the scabs off and deciding which ones I was going to actually let heal. If I reopened them I got to continue to take care of them and see them bleed. I no longer live a life where I can afford to not be present. I need to be present at all times and I never get alone time. My work is usually pretty fast paced and it is important to be on the ball. Being distracted and making mistakes isn't really an options. I almost like the fact that I do not have the time to think of other things while I'm at work. When I'm home I am with my girlfriend. I need to be present to care for her and talk to her and continue to grow our relationship. I cannot allow cutting to completely consume me and, fortunately, I am in a position when I feel mostly in control of whether I actually complete the act. I haven't always been in this position and I know not everyone has a choice in the matter. I remember what it feels like to not be able to choose. The one thing I cannot control at the moment is whether I think about it. Whenever I can think about it, I do.
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