Why FORGIVENESS is important

Abuse and trauma by family that bring on depression and PTSD, almost always makes us shut down our feelings. Afraid to feel, lest we relive those events. I, hated what they did so badly that I began hating them. They were my link to a past, my only connection with a geneology. Hating, is not part of my charecter, but how........could I remember them and not feel that awful surge of fear and terror when I see their faces, even in my thoughts? The answer seemed to be to shut down my feeling but that did not change who I am .....a thinking, feeling human being. We all need to feel something, even if it is in secret. Depression came to the rescue. I could take it all upon my shoulders and be self loathing, travel 1000 miles an hour down life's road with bad habits, but by God, I would feel something. None of that, would change the past. It was what it was. Giving up my ability to feel in "the real world" because I feared hating, only changed me and not them. It all came at such a cost to me, wasted time and opportunity and one dark night, it almost cost me my life. FORGIVENESS, taught me that I could and did, conquer what they struggled with, to their graves. Depression like any other CANCER, will take root with the slightest opportunity and is what I now associate with their behavior, but no longer, with their place in my past. I can see now that they were pawns to a Cancer they could not control, and feel compassion since knowing first hand, its power. Searching deep, found happy experiences with them and insight into who they would have preferred to be. The saying goes..."What does not kill you, makes you stronger", and it did make me stronger. Knowing why, is not always a luxury we can afford and most times we just have to look forward to what it has prepared us for. Regaining the FREEDOM to enjoy who I am, what I am and where I've been have added that breath of life that was missing each time I looked into the mirror and saw what looked lifeless. For anyone, thats a WIN. For the first time, I truly understand what hating the sin and not the person means to my self worth. Peace within, is PRICELESS!