Why does it hurt

They say time cures but that is not true.  The more time that passes by I miss Carlos more and it hurts just like at the begining.  I wonder if this pain will ever go away.  There are times that I think that this is just a nightmare and I will wake up and see Carlos beside me.  I have stayed up late at night not able to sleep and going through that awful day.  I want to understand what happen and how could God take him away from his family.  I have tried my best to keep going or rather pretend that everything is okey.  I smile and joke but deep inside I feel hollow and empty.  Christmas is here but it is not the same.  I am having a hard time arranging my house.  My christmas tree is up but it does not give me that feeling that was once here.  I go to the store and see people shopping and I feel lost and really I am lost with the love of my life.  I recall how it was before with Carlos going to the store shopping for gifts for family and friends, coming home to decorate the house.  I recall how Carlos would start talking about what he wanted for christmas dinner.  He would plan the menu and we would go to buy the ingredients.  My house would smell so good with all the cooking and baking that was taking place.  Carlos made sure that everyone felt at home.  I am hosting christmas dinner at home for my sisters and their families.  It is going to be about 35 of us.  I am doing it in Carlos honor because that is what he would want me to do.  He was all about family.   My son and his wife are taking me to Las Vegas with them on Sunday and returning on Tuesday.  I know he wants to be happy and not sit and cry like last year.  He usually ask me when am I going to smile like before and what can they do to make me happy.  He is having a baby in March with his wife and I know he his child to know her grandmother as a happy person.    MY sister in law of 41 years died two weeks ago and last week was the services.  It brought back so many memories.  I cried during the services and I don't know if I was crying due to the loss of my sister in  law or because of my husband.  She was his sister and he loved her so much.  She left a 28 year old daughter and an 18 year son (she had not seen her son for about 12 years, the father took him away).  My sister in law had a hard life.  At age 12 she was molested by her step dad and got pregnant.  Her health had been declining over the years.  He daughter told me the day of the viewing that she had never seen her mom so peaceful and she know that her mom is happy to be with her mom, brother(Carlos) and her sister that passed away prior to her.   It was then that it hit me that my husband family die so young.  His mom passed away at  53, his dad at 64, my husband at 47 and his sister at 45 and now his other sister at 41.  My husband died 17 months after his sister and now his other sister dies 17 months after him.  My kids don't want me to think this way and ask me to please not to worry about it.   Maybe I am paranoid but I cannot help but wonder what is going to happen 17 months from now.  There are times I wish I could have a talk with God and ask him why?  I just want answers and I think that I deserve to know what was the reason he took Carlos away.  I don't know but the holidays are really bad.  Does anyone knows about a place where we can go where they don't celebrate christmas?  I wish I could go to sleep during the holidays and not wake up till it is all over.  I still visit my husband's grave everyday and I talk to him and let him know how much I love him and miss him.  Can someone tell  me how long does it hurt and how to keep moving when it seems impossible?  All I want for christmas is my husband here with me or at least for God to let him come and visit me.