Why do I think I failed as a wife?????
I guess the main reason I feel this way is because no matter how hard I tried or no matter what I did I couldn't make him happy. It seems that I would always do something to piss him off again and again no matter how what I did to try and avoid the conflict. I tried to be perfect...for just one day I wanted things to be peaceful in our house...I would go out of my way to make sure there was nothing for him to get mad about but then something would happen and he would go into a rage. Perhaps if I had been better at it he would have had no reason to get angry...he would have been happy...whatever I said was stupid in his eyes, seemed sometimes just the sound of my voice would set him off...I don't know...when I read back what I just wrote it does sound silly...I know I can't really make him happy if he is not happy himself!! I tried I really did...just wish things would have been different....
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When I reread what I wrote...I realize that just as I couldn\'t make him happy...he can\'t make me happy either...you have to find that happiness within yourself. My feelings for him are not what they use to be...even though he was verbally/emotionally abusive I can\'t blame him for where I am today in my life..I chose to stay...I could have left at any time but it was my choice to stay in our home and try to work things out. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you...had I walked away many years ago I would have taken away that power that I allowed him to have. Had a stood up to him instead off keeping quiet just trying to keep the peace then things may have been different...I am where I am today because of the choices I made and didn\'t make!! It is up to me to find that happiness that I deserve...nobody can do it for me!!! I have to live life for me..nobody else lives my life....nobody else walks in my shoes!!
It wasn\'t you pissing him off. That is they way they act. Don \'t blame yourself. My ex made me feel horrible, that i was stupid, ignorant, everything my; fault for a very very long time. I even began believing it. But, as the separation led to the divorce itself, i realized that it wasn\'t me. All i was doing was existing. NOt happy, not fulfilled, just existing and that i was unaware what to do. I never thought about leaving seriouslly cause i had no place to go and as it turned out, he left me. He got so fed up i guess, (or the bimbo pressured him to get out of the marriage) that he finally left. For me, it turned out to be the right thing. Don\'t fault yourself for not leaving.
It is a scary thing to take on if you have no financial stability, no place to go, no support systems. Yes, people do treat you the way you allow them to, but you will learn to fight back in some way. hugs.
Oh sweetie, it definitely isn\'t you. It\'s him and he is ABUSIVE!! Have you read Patrica Evans\' book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship? It is excellent and a real eye opener. My therapist kept telling me my ex was abusive and I kept saying no he isn\'t, he doesn\'t call me names or hit me so he\'s not abusive. I changed my tune after I read the book.
Also, the \"if only I/he could do....then I\'d/he\'d be happy\" thoughts make me think he has maybe an addiction of some type? This is very typical thing for co-dependents and addicts to say.
While I agree that we always have a choice, I also understand that those of us who were/are abused have a difficult time making that choice because our abusers beat us down to where our self-esteem is non existent. It\'s good to take responsibility for our actions, but not to accept responsibility for the abuser\'s part in it.
You are right, we can only find happiness within. I know I mentioned this in my comment in your last journal, but given what you\'ve written here, if you haven\'t read Tolle\'s A New Earth, I think it would be very helpful in your healing process. Big hugs!!!!