Why do I still struggle so over the OM?
Most of you have read this as it was recently posted on Cheaters Anonymous as a thread. Thank you all for the replies. As I was writing it I gained a little clarity on my struggles and on the issue of closure. I am saving it here, as I sometimes do.
It has been 2 yrs and 8 mos since Dday and still I struggle over the OM. Why? It's crazy. The relationship only lasted 2 months. I know part of the reason why. Because I gave a part of myself to him. By having sex with him I was basically having a secret second husband. The relationship had to end suddenly at a high point. No closure to speak of. We see each other car to car and this thing is there hanging between us that must go unacknowledged. Many of you know that I work in a house in his neighborhood half a day every other week. Sightings of him are common when I am there. This last time I was there the one thing I have feared the most happened. He drove by slowly while I was at my car putting things in the trunk. At least I did the right thing. I saw that it was him and turned back to what I was doing and didn't look up again. He did the right thing and did not attempt to engage me in any way but just drove slowly by. It's the first time he has seen me outside of my car since Dday. I don't want to be back in a relationship with him but I sometimes still find myself wishing we could just talk. I banish those thoughts from my mind quickly. Stupid. All that would do is set me way back. I know this because at 20 mos he called me out of the blue for "closure" and I talked to him then though I shouldn't have. Did I get closure out of that? No! And I bet he didn't either. All it did was set me back. It took me several weeks to regain my equilibrium from that and I went back to IC to figure out why I was still so affected by him and why I have such a hard time saying no. i.e. I should have told him "No" I can't talk. He had also asked me at that time to keep that phone call a secret and I told him I would even though I knew I wouldn't. That's how bad I am about saying no and about confrontation. It's a problem. It had a lot to do with how I got into that A mess to begin with, all the way from OM#1 to OM#2 and everything that happened in between them. I think closure is a myth in many cases like this. The more we try to get closure the wider the door opens. I think closure is obtained by just leaving the damn door closed! My counselor and i talked all this over today. We decided I am going to do something. I am going to write myself a closure letter. It will contain all the things that are still bothering me, my thoughts and feelings concerning all that happened with OM, and the things I still feel like i need to let go of and then we are going to burn the letter. "Closure" from within. I like it. I will be working on that this weekend.
It has been 2 yrs and 8 mos since Dday and still I struggle over the OM. Why? It's crazy. The relationship only lasted 2 months. I know part of the reason why. Because I gave a part of myself to him. By having sex with him I was basically having a secret second husband. The relationship had to end suddenly at a high point. No closure to speak of. We see each other car to car and this thing is there hanging between us that must go unacknowledged. Many of you know that I work in a house in his neighborhood half a day every other week. Sightings of him are common when I am there. This last time I was there the one thing I have feared the most happened. He drove by slowly while I was at my car putting things in the trunk. At least I did the right thing. I saw that it was him and turned back to what I was doing and didn't look up again. He did the right thing and did not attempt to engage me in any way but just drove slowly by. It's the first time he has seen me outside of my car since Dday. I don't want to be back in a relationship with him but I sometimes still find myself wishing we could just talk. I banish those thoughts from my mind quickly. Stupid. All that would do is set me way back. I know this because at 20 mos he called me out of the blue for "closure" and I talked to him then though I shouldn't have. Did I get closure out of that? No! And I bet he didn't either. All it did was set me back. It took me several weeks to regain my equilibrium from that and I went back to IC to figure out why I was still so affected by him and why I have such a hard time saying no. i.e. I should have told him "No" I can't talk. He had also asked me at that time to keep that phone call a secret and I told him I would even though I knew I wouldn't. That's how bad I am about saying no and about confrontation. It's a problem. It had a lot to do with how I got into that A mess to begin with, all the way from OM#1 to OM#2 and everything that happened in between them. I think closure is a myth in many cases like this. The more we try to get closure the wider the door opens. I think closure is obtained by just leaving the damn door closed! My counselor and i talked all this over today. We decided I am going to do something. I am going to write myself a closure letter. It will contain all the things that are still bothering me, my thoughts and feelings concerning all that happened with OM, and the things I still feel like i need to let go of and then we are going to burn the letter. "Closure" from within. I like it. I will be working on that this weekend.
Replies
I think writing the closure letter is a wonderful idea and I thought to myself about \"then burning it\" before I read that you said that is what you are going to do. I have done that once in my life and you know the funny thing is....once the paper was burned I literally could not take it back. Also as I watched it burn I did cry knowing once the flame was out, it was gone! The paper was symbolic of emotions but also a vehicle to my letting go. It was gone. It did help me to let go and I think it will do the same for you. The hardest thing is the fact that you do run into each other from time to time and it seems where you both know it is \"wrong\" and who is to judge....its still very real and emotions are real, feelings are real but I guess if you can put it into the same category as like drinking too much, smoking, losing weight, etc. Anything that we know is bad for ourselves.....stopping what is unhealthy for healthy. Does that make any sense? I\'m doing that in my life now but not on the emotional level but the level that I\'m tired of living the life I have lived and basically in my heart I know I am done. Mine does not involve another person but it does involve emotions and letting go of something I don\'t want to and have depended on for what seems like forever and I\'m not sure how I\'ll do it, but I\'m done! It is almost freeing knowing no longer will I have anyone or thing holding me back. I\'m also looking forward to whom I will become. I can see \"me\" in my mind as I will soon be and that person is someone that I will be very proud to be. Know you are love and if you ever need anything, please know I\'m here for you! Try not to think too much and stay in the moment and \"just for today\" - for me, \"just for today\" I had a wonderful relaxing Saturday and am looking forward to another tomorrow. Hugs!