Why do I feel this way?
This morning has been hard. I woke up crying.
He texted me two nights ago that he wanted to talk. I wouldn't agree to see him yesterday and last night he called me. He makes me feel so weak. UUUUGHHH! Why?!
I said, "if you still want to talk, we can do that tomorrow." He said, "I don't think so".
I don't understand how in a conversation in which he wants to see me and then I agree, he can turn around and hurt me again?!!!! I shouldn' t see him. I know that. I always think I can make him see how much he hurts me. It will never happen. Today will only end in heartbreak and tears.
He texted me two nights ago that he wanted to talk. I wouldn't agree to see him yesterday and last night he called me. He makes me feel so weak. UUUUGHHH! Why?!
I said, "if you still want to talk, we can do that tomorrow." He said, "I don't think so".
I don't understand how in a conversation in which he wants to see me and then I agree, he can turn around and hurt me again?!!!! I shouldn' t see him. I know that. I always think I can make him see how much he hurts me. It will never happen. Today will only end in heartbreak and tears.
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Did you talk to him? If so, how did it go?
Yeah, I talked to him...I don\'t know if you read my post \"Why is this SO hard\" from a couple of days ago...It\'s a long story..I\'ll post it here for you.He texts me occasionally. I try not to respond. It\'s difficult but I am making progress!
I am truly in agony tonight. I went to his house because he wanted to talk.
Of course we went round and round and round. \"He screams at me because I push his buttons. He didn\'t start screaming at me until I insulted him. He never says anything mean to me until I\'m mean to him.\" He said I scream at him and insult him and I make him feel crazy. Maybe I am the abusive one? I am so confused right now.
Then I told him I was afraid of him, that I thought he put me down, that he insults me all the time and I don\'t say anything because I\'m afraid he\'ll fly off the handle. I started giving examples of mean things he\'s said to me. Of course he said, \"I never said that to you\". I pulled out my journal with dates and exact quotes of things he has said or done. He was in total shock. He said he had no idea he had even been saying those things. He said, still shocked, \"Am I verbally abusive to you?\" He couldn\'t believe it. He started crying. He said he was ashamed. Then he started recounting times he had been in fights with other girlfriends and been mean to them. He said he knew he needed to change, that he has been angry at the world, at himself.
I want so bad to believe he\'ll change...but I\'m terrified he won\'t. He even said himself, in the past he\'ll get better for awhile and then he\'ll go through another \"Angry period\".
He was so sweet and caring tonight. He held me while I cried and told me he loved me and missed me.
Then he begged me to stay. And asked me if it was too late to save \"Us\". I told him I just can\'t hurt anymore. I\'m tired of crying. I\'m tired of the high highs and low lows.
I hugged him goodbye and sobbed the whole way home. I don\'t know if this is the right thing to do because it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced. I love this man with all my heart but I always forget on the good days about the pain he has inflicted on me.
Now I am thinking he\'ll change, I\'ve given him up, and he\'ll make some other women the happiest girl in the world.
Ilene\'s Clarifying Cards are helping and the stack is huge. I cried when I did this excercise because the amount of cards and instances was overwhelming.
The pain swells inside me with waves and waves of despair. I know tomorrow is a new day. I know the pain will go away eventually. I know I will find peace again, but right now my heart just aches. I am physically ill and exhausted...I just want to be happy again.