Why do I feel this way?

Well, I thought I was doing so well....guess not!  I met my H for lunch yesterday which was great.  However, I was feeling somewhat blue already before I met him.  We met in a central location so that we could leave one car and ride together.  Sounds great, huh!  Until he asked me to ride in his car.  I couldn't get in it for the life of me.  I couldn't get the mental image of him screwing her in it.  I told him I could not ride with him.  He noticed that and said he was sorry but I still see them together. Anyway, lunch was good and we enjoyed spending some time together alone without our kids but he noticed that I was subdued.  I told him that I was just having a bad day.  But, hey, he noticed!  I am supposed to feel better, right?  That is supposed to make it better, right?  But I just couldn't shake the blues and the feeling that I wanted to cry uncontrollably. Later that evening we took our kids to the AT&T store to get them new phones for Christmas.  My H also wanted to upgrade his.  He got the new IPHONE (latest and greatest 32 g) and the kids picked out theirs.  He tried to get me to upgrade my phone but here is my dilema.  If I upgrade to another BlackBerry or the IPhone, we would have to pay an additional $30 a month in service (which we can ill afford right now) or I could pick one of the other texting phones.  I felt that I would be DOWNGRADING since I have BB Curve now.  What could I do?  I felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't.  I felt really ripped off.  Here everyone is getting what they wanted and yes I would have liked the new IPhone or BB Bold but I can't justify the $30 extra a month.  I just can't!!!!  Oh H said...get it if you want but all I can hear from him is what he has said for the last 6 months..."we can't afford this or that" or "if we didn't have this to pay, we would be ok"!!!  How could I then add another $30 to our bills...How could I? So, there I am, feeling left out and alone while they are all getting new Christmas presents and all happy but I want to cry.  This is not the first time that I have walked away from a store or stores without while the 3 of them get what they want.  WTF!!!  Do I not have any feelings or wants?  Do they not see that it hurts me to be so left out.  I am always last in their eyes.  Always last to do for.  Always an afterthought! I know that it is just material things.  I know that it should mean nothing to me.  But for him to make me feel so bad about things, this just hurt.