why do i do that to myself??????

I use to love watching a baby story on TLC. Well today while we werent busy at work i sat n my office n was flipping channels. I sow a baby story was on. (thinking i could handle it) i processed to watch it! Well about thrity minutes later i started balling my eyes out n txting hubby. He ordered me to change the channel NOW. So i did. The woman on the show had PCOS n HYPOTHYRODISM like me! So i guess the fact that she was pregnant intriged me! I guessed wrong! It ended up hurting me bc she got pregnant naturally! I feel like ripping my insides out bc i dont want to go through this! I want to be NORMAL! Like I know what normal is any more! So now iam sitting here crying to my self!!!! Lord i feel like iam being punished for sumthing i done wrong!  I have said iam sorry a billion n 1 times! I dont understand if this is punishment aint this corpal punishment?????Now iam going to drink a soda (which i refuse to drink) an eat a honey bun (sugarrrrrrr)...