why cant people just understand
I was on the phone with my mother today and she was asking about the baby things I have and what I am doing with it all. I told her I still havent moved it and its still set up. I am just not ready to pack it all. She told me that she was retuning the crib she bought for him. I told her that was fine but I am not returning what I have. She then asks me if that is healthy? and that I need to say goodbye to him and forget about it. I told her he was my son and I will NEVER forget him. She then says that people are concerened becuase Im not letting go and want to have a memorial for him on his due date. She then ask if Im ready to have another baby. I told her yes I want to try again and this baby will know who Max is. Just because he is not here doesnt make him any less my son.I never had a funeral for him because I was just in shock with every thing at the time so decided to have a memorial on his due date. She then tells me that I just need to have one by myself and stop trying to involve everyone with my problems and need to move on. I told her I didnt care if anyone came. He is my son and I am goin to do this for him whether they like it or not. She then again tells me that this is not healthy, he is dead and get over it. I blew up at her and then hung up on her.Is it wrong or unhealthy that I want to have a memorial for my son? Just because he wasnt "alive" outside of me doesnt make him any less my son and I am really hating everything in this world again and just want to be with my son. F&*K everyone that doesnt understand in my family.I am just trying to make it thru this and they are just making it worse.
Replies
Firstly, let me say how downright insensitive and callous your mother is being. It\'s downright ridiculous for someone (especially your own mother) to be telling you to \'forget\' about your son! I mean, would SHE forget about YOU? I\'m totally flabbergasted by how insensitive your mother is being. You have every right to get angry at her. You also have EVERY right to want a memorial for your son. Whatever YOU want to do for YOUR son is perfectly normal and fine. YOU are the one who is grieving, and YOU are the one who lost your child. Additionally, with regards to the baby things and the nursery, it is totally up to YOU what you do with all of the things you have. When YOU are ready to do things, you will do them. For the first few months after we lost Chek, I kept the nursery door open. We received the furniture (crib and changing table) that hadn\'t arrived by the time he was born. The furniture was set up, and I would go in there and allow myself to feel my pain. After a few months, I closed the door to the room. Everything in there was just as I had left it. Then a few months later, I went in and packed everything away, and cleaned everything up. I also put a picture of my hubs and I in there, along with a prayer promise box. By the time I did all of that, I had healed enough to feel that the nursery was no longer \'Chek\'s\' room, and I began calling it the \'baby\'s\' room. A month after I started doing that, I got pregnant - and here I am at 13 weeks now.
Whatever you want to do for your own piece of mind, for your own healing/grieving process, is completely up to you. No one else has the authority or knowledge to know what will help YOU. You do what you feel is right, and do not let anyone else tell you how to feel or what to do. Have you considered seeing a therapist? I saw one for a while, and it helped me tremendously with dealing with the callous and stupid comments that people make. Additionally, the therapist validated my feelings and helped me to become more confident about telling people when what they were saying was inappropriate and hurtful.
If people don\'t want to come to the memorial, then that\'s up to them. However, that seems to me callous and unfeeling (especially seeing as you didn\'t have a funeral.) People should be there for YOU!
For the people that are \'worried\' about you because you\'re not \'letting go,\' I would say that maybe they need to think about how long it would take them to \'let go\' of their child if they died suddenly, without warning.
I\'m sorry for ranting on a bit, but I\'m so angry at these people for hurting you like this.
Lots of hugs, Sam.
I think its a wonderful idea to have the memorial. We didn\'t do one for Colton either, actually he\'s still at the hospital. CT allows for the parents or the hospital to do the burial. We opted for the hospital burial and they do the service in May which we and whoever else wants to join us will attend.
Your mother\'s attitude needs a major adjustment! Did you recieve any info from the hospital for your family to read. If not I have a booklet called Empty Arms I\'d be happy to send in to you. Its explains the grieving process for both the parents and family and friends. Just send me a private message if you\'d like it and I\'ll get it out in the mail.
We\'re all here for you, and what you\'re going throught is normal and healthy.
Hugs and rainbows( when you\'re ready)
Andrea
I\'m sorry you are not getting the support you need from your family. The fact that you didn\'t have a funeral is sad and you NEED to have this memorial for him so you can have some closure NOT so you can forget about him. You have every right to want to do this and I would do the same thing if I had not had a funeral. I still have everything set up in her nursery because we are planning on trying again. If we don\'t have success on this last try of IVF then I will have to make the decision of what to do with everything and it will be very very hard. It was hard enough to take back the girly stroller and high chair, I can\'t imagine having to take apart the crib and everything else. Maybe your family does not know how to deal with this loss and that is why they are saying the things they are. They need to realize that it\'s part of the grieving process for you to want to honor your son and you need their support. Hang in there and keep praying. We are here for you.
Leslie
Have your memorial. Don\'t let anyone stop you from what you need or want to do for your son.
We had a very small memorial... actually it was really only a \"viewing\", but it was just my wife, our children (and grandson), my mom, and me. I sorta lost my dad over Skyler\'s passing, too. He, like your mom, was very insensitive, and I have not spoken with him in months. I have since changed my number, and I\'m not real sure he has my address, either. I don\'t care.
I was in shock also, and we had to get her cremated asap - my mom helped with that. We had to get everything done within 3 days, because that\'s all the time we had off work. My mom was a godsend because we were in shock and couldn\'t do it. You\'ve had a little more time, and if you have to put it together yourself, you may be able to (I wasn\'t able to within 3 days and no support, but I probably could have after a month or two especially after I found DS). I\'m sure other moms here wouldn\'t mind sharing what they did to help give you ideas. I doubt you\'ll be the only one to go - I\'m sure you\'ve got friends and such who you could invite for your own support, but even if you are the only one there, it is OK.
I try to convince myself that they just don\'t understand. And they don\'t understand because they were never here. I try to convince myself that I don\'t *want* them to understand, because this is a pain I wish on no-one. That\'s the only way I\'ve been able to deal with those insensitive morons who just don\'t understand.
I\'m still here if you ever want to talk.
Unless someone has been through this within the past 40 years... our babies simply did not exist. So, do what is necessary to make sure you are alright and you move through the grieving process at God\'s pace. You do not owe anyone an explanation for your actions and the way you want to remember your Angel.
My Mom and I have a hate hate relationship... she hates everything about me and I hate not being the daughter she wants... But, through all of my grief she has been there and has truly mourned Annaya. We argue about everything but not once has she told me to get over it... she keeps a picture of ALL of her grandchildren on her desk at work.
As for the rest of my family (extended family and in laws)... I\'ve pretty much walked away from them. I have enough family here that my daughter\'s memorial should have been packed. I\'ve forgiven them, but I have severed all ties.
Anyway, my heart aches for and with you!!!
I think it is a great idea to have a memorial. My family and I plan to have one in early summer. I too plan to keep most of my baby stuff up and have already started on a scrap book to show my family and hopfuly my future children. Your mother sounds like she just does not understand and needs to know that you will never get over it you just live with it. All I can say is good luck and Im wishing you a lot of love.
Oh honey....I am so sorry that you had to put up with that! Seriuosly, just reading this entry made me so upset. I am so sorry that you had to take that from your mother. I dont know your mother or anything about her, but from reading that, my heart hurts so badly for you. You have your memorial. You deserve it and Max deserve\'s it! There is NOTHING wrong with you wanting to do that. Max is your son, I dont understand why she couldnt get that. My mother has told me that I need to \'get of ouf this funk\' and that pissed me off. She didnt mean it like that, she meant that she wanted me to be happy about things etc, but NEVER would she tell me that its not healthy and I need to get over it.
You know what I think, I think that the way she is handling it is unhealthy! I agree with Sam, how would she feel if it was her? I just dont understand how she can tell you to forget about him. You dont need that, you need support from your family....especially your mother! I am sorry for ranting as well, but this just really upsets me. Please message me anytime you want to talk or need a friend, I am here for you and my heart is really aching for you right now.
Big hugs,
mandy
Well, I know everyone has had their input on this but I would like to completely agree with Kaylee\'s Mommy (Mandy) on this one! My mom also told me that I needed to get up and take what had happened (with my first angel born mind you) about 3-4 monthsafter and turn it into something he\'d (Dylan) be proud of me for. It took me another month, and it took a bit out of me to keep pushing forward but always having an understanding family member SPECIALLY a MOTHER is always nice. I\'m so so so sorry that she is handling it this way. I can understand a mother wanting more for her child, and for her child to be happy in their life. But not to speak to them in such a condesending *sp* way.
Much love and hugs to you, and wishing you a great memorial service for your son.
Of course it\'s not wrong to have a memorial. And it won\'t be wrong to do anything else in his memory when the holidays come or when you celebrate his angelversary next year or any other milestone that is special to you. I wish she could be more understanding so you would have more support. But if she is not willing to honor her grandson like you know he should be, then go ahead and do what you want on your own.