Why Can\'t I Shake These Thoughts OUT of My Head ????!!!!!
Damn it ! Damn it ALL !!!!! After EVERYTHING He put Me through, as IF that wasn't enough to go through, now I can't seem to get Thoughts of Him OUT of My Head !!!!! It doesn't help that JUST when I was starting to feel a LITTLE BIT stronger, then SUDDENLY out of the Blue He CALLED ME !!!! The so-called Reason for His Call was to YELL AT ME because I had put a Request through to Ask Him to ADD Me to His MySpace Page. I had included with the Request a short Note simply saying that I thought that We could still at least be Friends.STUPID OF ME ??!! YES, I suppose it was.... after all, WHY would I really want to be FRIENDS with Someone that ABUSED ME EMOTIONALLY, AND PHYSICALLY, for so long !!!! Some Part of Me, though was still holding onto the DREAM that I had, and was HOPING beyond HOPE that maybe Him and I would make Better FRIENDS than Bf and Gf. I didn't think that was such an Unreasonable Thing to want. I was merely trying to be Nice, and reach out to Him... telling Him that despite EVERYTHING, I do still Care about Him. BUT, OH NO !!!! HE DECIDED TO WARP MY INNOCENT REQUEST into Something Twisted, and WRONG ! JUST BECAUSE one of His OTHER EXGFS had HAPPENED TO put through a Request to ADD HER to His MySpace Page AT THE SAME TIME THAT I PUT MY REQUEST THROUGH, THEN TO HIM THAT AUTOMATICALLY MEANT TO HIM THAT I WAS CONSPIRING WITH HER... AGAINST HIM !!!!!! When He asked Me IF I had talked to Her, and I answered Truthfully, NOT RECENTLY... I guess that was the WRONG ANSWER... since that was when HE ENDED THE CALL by saying... " DON'T EVER TRY TO CALL ME, OR CONTACT ME IN ANY WAY AGAIN !!!! FU*K YOU ! ".... and He Hung Up ! This was this past Saturday afternoon. I was in the Middle of taking a NAP because I was SICK that Day, and His YELLING at ME on the PHONE DID NOT HELP ME FEEL ANY BETTER !!!!! WHY WOULD HE FEEL THE TWISTED NEED TO CALL ME UP LIKE THAT... JUST TO YELL AT ME ????!!!!! AND THEN TO TELL ME TO NEVER CALL HIM AGAIN... WHEN HE HAD JUST CALLED ME !!!!! I Loved Him with ALL of My HEART AND SOUL... I GAVE HIM ALL OF ME, AND MORE. I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO MAKE HIM HAPPY. I DID ALL I COULD TO PLEASE HIM... FOR HIM AND I TO BE HAPPY TOGETHER, BUT NOTHING WAS EVER ENOUGH ! AFTER EVERYTHING... AFTER ALL OF THAT... WHY WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR... TO BE HIS FRIEND NOW ????!!!! AM I STUPID FOR THINKING IT WAS POSSIBLE ? AM I BEING A COMPLETE IDIOT FOR WANTING TO BE HIS FRIEND NOW ???? I guess since He's said that He doesn't want Me to EVER CONTACT HIM IN ANY WAY AGAIN, then SOMEHOW I've GOT TO FIND A WAY TO RID MY MIND OF THESE THOUGHTS... THESE DESIRES FOR THINGS THAT WILL APPARENTLY NEVER COME TRUE ! I HATE THIS ! DAMN IT... I HATE THIS ! WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO HATEFUL TO ME ??????? ALL I DID WAS REACH OUT TO HIM, AND TRY TO BE FRIEND !!!!! THAT'S ALL I DID.... WHY DID HE HAVE TO ACT AS IF I DID SOMETHING SO WRONG ????!!!!! I hadn't Called Him, or tried to Contact Him in Any Way, since right after He left Me Sept. 18th. Yes, back then I was STUPID, and I had tried to reach Him on His Cell Phone 3 different Times - of course with NO Reply from Him. But since then the Only Thing I had done was put through the Request asking for Him to ADD Me as a Friend on His MySpace Page. Was He Calling Me, and Yelling at Me, BECAUSE I hadn't tried to Call Him for awhile ??!! Was it because He couldn't deal with the chance that I might be starting to Move On with My Life, so He felt He HAD TO Call Me YELLING AT ME.... just to make sure that I'm STILL AN EMOTIONAL BASKETCASE BECAUSE OF HIM ???!!!!! COULD THAT BE POSSIBLE ???? Maybe it was HIS WAY of TRYING to exert some form of CONTROL over Me AGAIN, now that He's NOT actually HERE WITH ME anymore ?! WHATEVER IT WAS.... FOR WHATEVER REASON HE DID IT... IT WORKED.... IT DID MAKE ME AN EMOTIONAL BASKETCASE ! I've been a MESS since then ! I can barely think of anything, or anyone, but HIM ! It's NOT RIGHT !It's NOT FAIR that He did this to ME ! HE DOESN'T DESERVE ONE MOMENT OF MY THOUGHTS... I KNOW THIS.... BUT YET, I CAN'T HELP IT ! I Loved Him, and Still Do.... GOD HELP ME ! I wish I didn't ! I know for a FACT that there's NO WAY that I could EVER TAKE HIM BACK AGAIN.... NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE BEGGED ME TO TAKE HIM BACK..... IF THAT EVER HAPPENED, THAT IS.I KNOW ALL OF THAT ! I really do, and YET... STILL A PART OF ME WISHES THINGS HAD BEEN DIFFERENT ! Is it so Wrong of Me to Wish This ???? I wish I didn't feel this Way, but it's been making Me start to CRY at Times ALL OVER AGAIN... AS IF HE ONLY JUST LEFT YESTERDAY.... even though it's been almost 3 Weeks now since He left Me. IF I had MADE HIM LEAVE..... ACTUALLY TOLD HIM TO LEAVE ME, AND FOLLOWED THROUGH ON IT... then Things would be Different right now, I think. But since HE LEFT ME, it's as IF He had the " LAST LAUGH " on My Expense ! I feel THROWN AWAY... YET AGAIN ! He left Me feeling like a Failure... and left Me asking Myself ... " WHAT DID I DO WRONG ? WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY ? HOW DID I FAIL HIM ? WHY AM I SUCH A TOTAL FAILURE AT EVERYTHING ? "No Matter how WRONG those Feelings MAY BE... That's How HIS LEAVING ME left Me feeling !!!! Now I'm left here ALONE.... TRYING HARD to pick up the PIECES of My BROKEN HEART, AND SOUL.... AND TRYING to Put My Life back Together Again.It's been VERY HARD for Me, since He had Me depending on Him for MANY THINGS and HE KNEW THIS !!!! DAMN IT ! HE KNEW HOW MUCH I DEPENDED ON HIS HELP, BECAUSE OF MY BAD KNEES !!!!! So His Leaving Me SUDDENLY has left Me SUDDENLY having to figure a WAY SOMEHOW to do Things for MYSELF that are VERY DIFFICULT for Me, because of having Bad Knees ! HIS LEAVING WOULD HAVE BEEN HARD ENOUGH ON ME.... IF I HAD BEEN IN PERFECT HEALTH... JUST DEALING WITH THE EMOTIONAL AFTERMATH OF HIS LEAVING ME AGAIN, WOULD HAVE BEEN BAD ENOUGH !!!!!!! BUT IN MY CASE, WITH MY KNEES... YOU HAVE TO DOUBLE THAT... DOUBLE WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH NOW.... EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, AND OTHERWISE ! Does He EVER feel GUILTY about what He DID TO ME ???? DOES HE EVER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THE HELL HE PUT ME THROUGH ? I WONDER ABOUT THIS SOMETIMES. Right now, I just WISH I could get THOUGHTS OF HIM OUT OF MY HEAD !! I wish I DIDN'T STILL MISS HIM.... AS TWISTED AS THAT MAY SEEM, after Everything that He put Me through ! I'm wondering IF maybe I'm Missing a " BODY " to TALK TO, more than ACTUALLY MISSING HIM !! .... It's NOT EASY to go from living WITH Someone.... having Someone around to TALK TO... to suddenly having NOONE with YOU to TALK TO ! What's the ANSWER ???? I don't know right now... I WISH I KNEW. I'm thinking MAYBE this Christmas I should ask for One of those Headphone Sets with the built in Microphone in it... so that Way I could IM AND TALK to My Friends Online at the Same time ! You think that would be a Good Idea ??????
Replies
First of all, I completely understand how you feel. It\'s very late right now and Im a bit tired and sad myself, so I\'ll do my best to help you in this moment, sorry, it\'ll be not my best, I\'m very tired...
Ask yourself what this experience has taught you.
What would you need to know in order to overcome or not ever gotten into that situation?
Unfortunately, your first mistake was giving him the world. I did that too. It needs to be a give and take, hold your gold, girl. Love is an amazing thing and being able to give someone the world is the best kind of love, but before you do that you\'ve got to know if you\'re swimming with sharks or dolphins, you know what I mean? :)
No, you\'re NOT becoming his \"friend\" (BS MySpace friend!) on MySpace, get over MySpace if possible, you dont want to be going to his page. The less you see and know the better.
Now, my own book recomendations: :)
\"He\'s just not that into you\"
(It has nothing to do with abuse, but it has the MINIMAL you need to know to spot a guy who is just not worth your time. It saves you a lot of heartbreak already. Don\'t underestimate this book. Plus, it\'s funny, you get to laugh and learn)
\"It\'s called a break up because it\'s broken\"
(Yes, it\'s from the same guy that wrote the book above. No I don\'t work for him! I wish! I would be picking his brain. If you can\'t buy the 2, buy this one first. It gives you some kick ass self-empowerment tips and how to deal with all that you\'re going through right now. Again, the book is entertaining and yet it\'s been my favorite in this crisis...since I can be pretty stubborn (I keep wanting him back) I need to read parts of this book almost everyday to keep me going. Tip: highlight parts that you think will empower you and put post its throughout the book with your comments, you know, when you read and think something, write it down and post it)
\"Why men love bitches\"
(yes, that\'s the title. The author is a little too bitchy in some topics, but it tell you all about how to work the first stages of the relationship so you don\'t let the guy know you\'re gaga over him and he goes and takes advantage of your love and vulnerable state, because we know we tend to be the ones to give the guy the world...)
Please, do NOT answer his calls EVER again...what are you doing, sweety? C\'mon... just don\'t answer. Unless you\'re in this amazing moment and you KNOW you\'re going to answer the phone super happy and will be completely untouched by whichever attitude he throws at you. Actually, you\'ll just hang up. You\'ll say something like \"I\'m just having too much fun with my fabulous life to hear you trying to get any control over me\" click. It works that way.I know you miss him and you probably still love him (Im still reading your text) and there\'s nothing that will freak him out more than when he realizes you don\'t give a S### about him...
Yes, he\'s trying to control you by calling you, making you keep thinking about him. That\'s like, the book of abusers, really, just google it, you\'ll think they\'re talking about your ex only! :) That\'s why you don\'t answer the phone, UNLESS you\'re prepared to tell him you\'re sooooo much happier without him and that the break up was the best idea.
Still part of you wishes that things were different? Welcome to the club. EVERYONE who\'s been abused thinks the same way. Be grateful for the experience, aka, get over it, you can\'t control the past. I know, easier said than done, but at least you know where you should aim at... Decide what you want! You know he\'s a douche and yet you want him back. Are you me? :) Anyhow, those two things don\'t match, do you see that? If I went to you saying \"hey I have this amazing guy, you\'re totally going to fall in love with him and you guys will be soooo awesome together, but he will abuse you every now and then\" Would you take the chance? Would you let your daughter (if you had one) go there? No! :) Be a soldier and make a choice (whichever that is) and see the reality and possibilities of that choice. If you don\'t know what you want, you can\'t know where to go and that leaves you stuck, anxious, depressed, feeling unworthy and confused. Not exactly what you want for you, right? ;)
And no, it is NOT wrong to wish things were different. But it\'s wrong to think that by thinking that things in the past will end up changing. Very thin line there...;)
3 weeks? That\'s soon!!! Give yourself a break, you ARE supposed to be crying!!! That\'s the healthiest way to deal with it. Don\'t go exchange that for drinking and crazy sex, please! But do try to exercise, it gives you happy mood hormones:) It\'s natural Prozac, Im not even kidding...:)
Yeah, my abusive ex dumped me too, even thoug I wnated to break up with him so many times, and did, I always took him back. He did take me back a few times too, but the last laugh was his. I know it sucks. I know things would be different. Do you know what I know too? I can\'t change that. It\'s a tough reality, but it\'s there and you can\'t change it. Get in peace with it. Learn that you should\'ve get out of a sucky relationship as soon as it gets sucky, and not drag it out. Lesson learned = peace of mind and forgiveness. Put that behind you.
Also think about the things you did RIGHT and you KNEW you did right and no matter what he would never acknowledge it. Know where you did right and that you not even realized you did right, because he made you feel it was wrong. Start finding where he was brainwashing you, they are amazing with that.
YOU DO NOT NEED HIM TO VALIDATE YOURSELF.YOU ARE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO VALIDATE YOURSELF.
You are the first example of how people should treat yourself, and you have to give them a good example. Be your best friend! Cheer YOU up out of this dump, you can do this. You\'ll become a much stronger and better woman for that:)
I don\'t think the knees had anything to do with him, it doesn;t seem to be by the way you say it, so be careful not put everything in the same bag if you know what I mean. You do not need to connect your bad knee with him. He\'s not superman, God, he\'s underman! :) You DO NOT need him with help on your knees, trust me. There are better people out there for that...
That\'s gonna hurt a little: NO, he does NOT feel bad about what he did to you. He think he did all right and everything he did had an excuse in his head that sounded just as good and solid as the excuses you were giving yourself to STAY in the relationship. They don\'t think they need help. They think we\'re the crazy ones, you never heard him call you crazy?? That\'s how it is. they are pretty mean, and that should help you get over him a little bit at least...
Yeah, of course you miss him, don\'t get me wrong, but the fact that you\'re alone makes him seem like a pretty good deal now, even thou the guys is a piece of you know what. You know how it is: you\'re hungry in a foreign country and suddenly that disgusting food you find in this awful stand (bc thats all you could afford and it was right there in front of you anyways) is the best food you ever ate in your life and you\'ll be remembering this food for a looooong time in your life, even crave it, but the feeling will be weird, because when you ate it,you felt amazing because you were no longer hungry, but at the same time you remember how it was really not THAT good, actually you made some faces while eating it.But you still can crave that food after a few time, even thou you know you\'ll get disappointed when you eat it. And even thou you can get better food elsewhere. You just have to have that food that by the way you can\'t have anymore bc you\'re not in that foreign country anymore.
I hope you understood the metaphor. :)
Go get your headphones:)
Also read this:
http://dailystrength.org/people/93595/journal/531159
Another thing:)
I read this one day while I was googling for emotional abuse forums, you know, to relate, and it gave a lot of peace:
\"He didn\'t dump me. He set me free\"
The moment he gets all control over you and/or you start \"fighting\" back by demanding your rights, he loses interest in you and that\'s when the \"love\" weakens. So you walk on eggshelfs to get that \"perfect\" middle ground where he\'ll love you and you\'ll still feel miserable. It\'s no win-win situation when it comes to abuse...