Why Can\'t I Shake These Thoughts OUT of My Head ????!!!!!

Damn it ! Damn it ALL !!!!! After EVERYTHING He put Me through, as IF that wasn't enough to go through, now I can't seem to get Thoughts of Him OUT of My Head !!!!! It doesn't help that JUST when I was starting to feel a LITTLE BIT stronger, then SUDDENLY out of the Blue He CALLED ME !!!! The so-called Reason for His Call was to YELL AT ME because I had put a Request through to Ask Him to ADD Me to His MySpace Page. I had included with the Request a short Note simply saying that I thought that We could still at least be Friends.STUPID OF ME ??!! YES, I suppose it was.... after all, WHY would I really want to be FRIENDS with Someone that ABUSED ME EMOTIONALLY, AND PHYSICALLY, for so long !!!! Some Part of Me, though was still holding onto the DREAM that I had, and was HOPING beyond HOPE that maybe Him and I would make Better FRIENDS than Bf and Gf. I didn't think that was such an Unreasonable Thing to want. I was merely trying to be Nice, and reach out to Him... telling Him that despite EVERYTHING, I do still Care about Him. BUT, OH NO !!!! HE DECIDED TO WARP MY INNOCENT REQUEST into Something Twisted, and WRONG !  JUST BECAUSE one of His OTHER EXGFS had HAPPENED TO put through a Request to ADD HER to His MySpace Page AT THE SAME TIME THAT I PUT MY REQUEST THROUGH, THEN TO HIM THAT AUTOMATICALLY MEANT TO HIM THAT I WAS CONSPIRING WITH HER... AGAINST HIM !!!!!! When He asked Me IF I had talked to Her, and I answered Truthfully, NOT RECENTLY... I guess that was the WRONG ANSWER... since that was when HE ENDED THE CALL by saying... " DON'T EVER TRY TO CALL ME, OR CONTACT ME IN ANY WAY AGAIN !!!! FU*K YOU ! ".... and He Hung Up ! This was this past Saturday afternoon. I was in the Middle of taking a NAP because I was SICK that Day, and His YELLING at ME on the PHONE DID NOT HELP ME FEEL ANY BETTER !!!!! WHY WOULD HE FEEL THE TWISTED NEED TO CALL ME UP LIKE THAT... JUST TO YELL AT ME ????!!!!! AND THEN TO TELL ME TO NEVER CALL HIM AGAIN... WHEN HE HAD JUST CALLED ME !!!!! I Loved Him with ALL of My HEART AND SOUL... I GAVE HIM ALL OF ME, AND MORE. I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO MAKE HIM HAPPY. I DID ALL I COULD TO PLEASE HIM... FOR HIM AND I TO BE HAPPY TOGETHER, BUT NOTHING WAS EVER ENOUGH ! AFTER EVERYTHING... AFTER ALL OF THAT... WHY WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR... TO BE HIS FRIEND NOW ????!!!! AM I STUPID FOR THINKING IT WAS POSSIBLE ? AM I BEING A COMPLETE IDIOT FOR WANTING TO BE HIS FRIEND NOW ???? I guess since He's said that He doesn't want Me to EVER CONTACT HIM IN ANY WAY AGAIN, then SOMEHOW I've GOT TO FIND A WAY TO RID MY MIND OF THESE THOUGHTS... THESE DESIRES FOR THINGS THAT WILL APPARENTLY NEVER COME TRUE ! I HATE THIS ! DAMN IT... I HATE THIS ! WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO HATEFUL TO ME ??????? ALL I DID WAS REACH OUT TO HIM, AND TRY TO BE FRIEND !!!!! THAT'S ALL I DID.... WHY DID HE HAVE TO ACT AS IF I DID SOMETHING SO WRONG ????!!!!! I hadn't Called Him, or tried to Contact Him in Any Way, since right after He left Me Sept. 18th. Yes, back then I was STUPID, and I had tried to reach Him on His Cell Phone 3 different Times - of course with NO Reply from Him. But since then the Only Thing I had done was put through the Request asking for Him to ADD Me as a Friend on His MySpace Page. Was He Calling Me, and Yelling at Me, BECAUSE I hadn't tried to Call Him for awhile ??!! Was it because He couldn't deal with the chance that I might be starting to Move On with My Life, so He felt He HAD TO Call Me YELLING AT ME.... just to make sure that I'm STILL AN EMOTIONAL BASKETCASE BECAUSE OF HIM ???!!!!! COULD THAT BE POSSIBLE ???? Maybe it was HIS WAY of TRYING to exert some form of CONTROL over Me AGAIN, now that He's NOT actually HERE WITH ME anymore ?! WHATEVER IT WAS.... FOR WHATEVER REASON HE DID IT... IT WORKED.... IT DID MAKE ME AN EMOTIONAL BASKETCASE ! I've been a MESS since then ! I can barely think of anything, or anyone, but HIM ! It's NOT RIGHT !It's NOT FAIR that He did this to ME ! HE DOESN'T DESERVE ONE MOMENT OF MY THOUGHTS... I KNOW THIS.... BUT YET, I CAN'T HELP IT ! I Loved Him, and Still Do.... GOD HELP ME ! I wish I didn't ! I know for a FACT that there's NO WAY that I could EVER TAKE HIM BACK AGAIN.... NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE BEGGED ME TO TAKE HIM BACK..... IF THAT EVER HAPPENED, THAT IS.I KNOW ALL OF THAT ! I really do, and YET... STILL A PART OF ME WISHES THINGS HAD BEEN DIFFERENT ! Is it so Wrong of Me to Wish This ???? I wish I didn't feel this Way, but it's been making Me start to CRY at Times ALL OVER AGAIN... AS IF HE ONLY JUST LEFT YESTERDAY.... even though it's been almost 3 Weeks now since He left Me. IF I had MADE HIM LEAVE..... ACTUALLY TOLD HIM TO LEAVE ME, AND FOLLOWED THROUGH ON IT... then Things would be Different right now, I think. But since HE LEFT ME, it's as IF He had the " LAST LAUGH " on My Expense ! I feel THROWN AWAY... YET AGAIN ! He left Me feeling like a Failure... and left Me asking Myself ... " WHAT DID I DO WRONG ? WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY ? HOW DID I FAIL HIM ? WHY AM I SUCH A TOTAL FAILURE AT EVERYTHING ? "No Matter how WRONG those Feelings MAY BE... That's How HIS LEAVING ME left Me feeling !!!!  Now I'm left here ALONE.... TRYING HARD to pick up the PIECES of My BROKEN HEART, AND SOUL.... AND TRYING to Put My Life back Together Again.It's been VERY HARD for Me, since He had Me depending on Him for MANY THINGS and HE KNEW THIS !!!! DAMN IT ! HE KNEW HOW MUCH I DEPENDED ON HIS HELP, BECAUSE OF MY BAD KNEES !!!!! So His Leaving Me SUDDENLY has left Me SUDDENLY having to figure a WAY SOMEHOW to do Things for MYSELF that are VERY DIFFICULT for Me, because of having Bad Knees ! HIS LEAVING WOULD HAVE BEEN HARD ENOUGH ON ME.... IF I HAD BEEN IN PERFECT HEALTH... JUST DEALING WITH THE EMOTIONAL AFTERMATH OF HIS LEAVING ME AGAIN, WOULD HAVE BEEN BAD ENOUGH !!!!!!! BUT IN MY CASE, WITH MY KNEES... YOU HAVE TO DOUBLE THAT... DOUBLE WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH NOW.... EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, AND OTHERWISE ! Does He EVER feel GUILTY about what He DID TO ME ???? DOES HE EVER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THE HELL HE PUT ME THROUGH ? I WONDER ABOUT THIS SOMETIMES. Right now, I just WISH I could get THOUGHTS OF HIM OUT OF MY HEAD !! I wish I DIDN'T STILL MISS HIM.... AS TWISTED AS THAT MAY SEEM, after Everything that He put Me through ! I'm wondering IF maybe I'm Missing a " BODY " to TALK TO, more than ACTUALLY MISSING HIM !! .... It's NOT EASY to go from living WITH Someone.... having Someone around to TALK TO... to suddenly having NOONE with YOU to TALK TO ! What's the ANSWER ???? I don't know right now... I WISH I KNEW. I'm thinking MAYBE this Christmas I should ask for One of those Headphone Sets with the built in Microphone in it... so that Way I could IM AND TALK to My Friends Online at the Same time ! You think that would be a Good Idea ??????