why bother.
I try to stay positive and function the best I can, and as difficult as it is to function in this place, I keep trying to do more, but it seems like the the more I do, the more it seems like what's the point.
finally showered so I could not be the gross bum girl for once. which is difficult and stressful enough in this place, w/the electricity issues and finding mouse in tub and rat in toilet before. sounds lovely huh? not to mention the lack of garbage service and being all alone here trying to fend for myself...anyway, thought did a good job considering, as usual...wanted to just relax after my shower but thought I should go to the store finally, before get stinky again, since needed TP and other stuff....even though I'll go days w/o TP and other stuff just to stay home and not have to deal w/the stress and people. but, being told how "lazy" I am and that I never wanna do anything, I try to just do it. so I went, right before they closed, as usual, to avoid ppl...well when I came out, I couldnt open my bike lock. finally walked home and looked up online and found videos on how to open it...went back today, hoping bike was still there. and it was, thankfully...got wd 40 as said in video and tried for several minutes to open it w/no avail. called police before, but they didnt wanna do anything, so I talked to customer service since they would have video and know I wasnt trying to steal it, and my dad said he used to work there and that they should have bolt cutters since sometimes ppl leave bikes there...of course they said no and they couldnt do anything. told me to call fire dept., which I did...but they said they couldnt do anything either. well, they could, they just dont want to. cuz he said one time he helped a girl who said they gave her some of those to use, but wouldnt do it themselves. they asked why I was calling basically, and I told them I tried everywhere else and no one would help and didnt know what else to do. its just really depressing when you keep trying and you realize that no one cares or wants to help, anyway. makes it hard to keep going or wanna try, when theres no one around to care or help, and you realize what a cold, lonely world it is.
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and if that wasnt bad enough, got an email forwarded from grampa, from "mom" who havent talked to in years, saying I "never contacted her" since she left and she sent me things and blah blah blah...which is just more bs since shed never answer the phone or call back, so I stopped bothering years ago. and now, true to her delusions, its the opposite and suddenly she feels like being a mom again...for 5 min. maybe. just another reminder of how alone I am and what a delusional and useless "mother" I have.
With the lock, you may have to use the key if you have one, and turn and twist and keep trying to slide it open. Lock-ease, pushing up and down will help loosen the lock, too.
And, keep writing it out. Add positive words to your writing.
The things you do to help yourself go in the positive section.
Add positive thoughts and words to each scene you write about. This will help you sort through the everything with a way to find something that works in the moment.
You asked for help. So, you got words and that it's not something they do. Move on. You can do this yourself. Keep working at it.
thanks....its a combination though.
called a locksmith he was nice and friendly said charged $40 and didnt need to prove it was mine....of course I dont have the $$$ right now, so now I have to feel like even more of a bum and loser and I'm sure now he wonders if I really was trying to steal it...but dad apparently ordered some of the cutters even though he said I'm not strong enough to use them...so not sure if I should wait to get those and try to use them or if he'll pay for the guy instead...
so I was supposed to meet the locksmith around 6, then he calls at 4:45 and says he can head out there....I'm like...now??? he said well whens a good time for you...and I'm like, um.....half an hour??? hes like ok, see you then. so I'm scrambling to get ready and takes like 10 min to walk there so didnt have much time to get ready. I was about to say I might be a lil late, when I see he texted bout 15 min later to say where he was parked. I was just trying to get ready to leave and hurry there, instead of being slowed down by texting. so then he calls bout 15 min. later to ask where my bike was and asked how far out I was and if I'd left yet, and I said no, and he was like well we'll have to do it another time, I have things to do and cat be sitting here all night. um....ok....I know thats when I was supposed to be there, but he had already been waiting 15 min. before I was supposed to be there, maybe if he hadnt gotten there early and sat there he wouldnt be annoyed??? and hes the one that called to try and come early, I would have been ready at 6 as planned, as I had a few hours to get ready, versus 15 min. I mean it's kind of rude to make an appt. and then try to change it to earlier and then get annoyed that they dont show up immediately when you got there early and then say you 'cant wait there all night'. like pssssh. bitch please. lol. he seemed really nice and friendly before, so it kind of annoyed me, esp. as its hard to get ready on short notice and I have to walk so sorry I cant just zip around and be there in 2 min. like most of this car-dependent society. I guess I should have just said no, 6 would be better as originally planned, like I wanted to.