Why am I uneasy?

My W has noticed the last few days I seem bothered about something. She's mentioned it two or three times, and both times I labeled it as not getting done what I wanted to get done. Last week it seemed I accomplished little to nothing other than the bare bones stuff, when I have plenty of "to do" items on my list. And I was bummed that I felt like I ended up wasting a week. So I figured that was probably why I was feeling a bit down.
But tonight I began wondering if there might be more to it. It is always hard to psycho analyze yourself because it is hard to be objective, and there could be many reasons why I might be feeling more edge and uneasy of late.
It does seem, for no apparent reason, that I'm thinking back to the affair issues more, to what I lost. Could be because we're coming up to the time when last year my W was about to embark on her multiple EAs which would lead to a PA. She had her first EA with the local man here, ending with a brief PA incident, but that ended when he moved away mid-Dec. From then until around mid-February, she tried to forget about him, but failed miserably. She looked at online people finders, trying to figure out where he went. She even thought maybe she would send him a birthday card when the time came, so she rationalized she needed his address. He left her no contact info and changed his phone number.
It was in signing up for MySpace because she knew he had an account there, and friended him that started the ball rolling downhill once again. Not that he responded. He had told her he hadn't been on MySpace in years. So the chance he was even aware of her friend request is highly unlikely. And if he was, he was the kind that wouldn't want to keep contact and would have ignored it.
But what did happen is she met some new guys on there and by the end of February was having some "new experiences" with other guys online. She even participated in phone sex with one of them. By the end of February, she'd found a more adult oriented social site that kicked that up several notches with several guys having sex chats. One guy she was "helping" him "write" his erotica novel by telling him what she liked and didn't like about what he'd written. She was playing the part of one of the characters. He may have been on the up and up, but it also sounded like a more elaborate way to have a sex chat. The writing a book thing may have been nothing more than a story.
Beginning of March she started going to the local gym, and mid-March she met a new "friend" there, and by the end of March they were in a full PA which lasted until May 11th, when I discovered the truth.
So, maybe it is the upcoming months that are making me uneasy. Not sure what to expect, afraid I'll hit some big, bad wall that I didn't see coming. Afraid my emotions will start to go crazy as I approach that date, and I'll start acting and being irrational. Then again, I have no reason to suspect it will be that bad. I'm sure it will affect me some, but not go crazy. Still, I'll be glad to get these next few months behind me. Maybe by the end of May the crowd camped out in our living room (no, they aren't Occupy Wall Street protestors, just family) will have dispersed, last son will have graduated from HS, and daughter will be officially married and our first anniversary since around dday last year will have passed. And I'll feel more at ease.
But then another thought came to my mind why I might be uneasy right now. And it just dawned on me tonight. I've not even had a chance to talk with Gabi about it, since she went to sleep. So, Honey, if you read this before I have a chance to mention it, I guess we need to discuss this some more.
Ever since dday, we have texted multiple times a day, and called on occasion. This has lasted for several months, but in the last month to month and a half, I've noticed the text have died down. Actually, the phone calls have picked up. Sometime we'll talk on the phone while she's working (especially when she's cleaning houses where no one is at home) for an hour, two, one time we went for four hours (I have a Bluetooth). But of late even the phone calls have died down.
We'd discussed this the other night. I'm not a multitasker and the constant interruptions do make it harder for me to focus and get things done. I've described in this journal and on the forums more than once how I can focus in on something and pulling me out of it is hard. Now imagine getting texted frequently. Like the other day, I was trying to get breakfast and take my vitamins. I would no sooner reach for the bottle when a text would come through. I would respond, then go for the bottle again. I might get the cap off before another text came through. So I stop and answer that one...and on it would go. What would normally take me five minutes turns into fifteen or twenty.
One reason we started talking on the phone too. She can keep working while we talk whereas she has to stop what's she's doing to text. And for me, things like getting breakfast, I can talk to her while I do that. But most of my work is mental, and I either have to talk to her or work on my stuff, but not both at the same time. Occasionally I will read stuff from DS to her as she works. And I'll write something and read it to her before sending. But most of the time while talking with her, I sit in the chair, staring at my screen. I'll try to at least check emails and such, but because I'm such a bad multi-tasker, she picks up on it pretty quickly and I miss things she's saying.
Consequently, like today, our chat time is kept to lunch time, when I'm eating, or she is. So, especially since talking to her about these things, I think she's picked up on the difficulty I have with all that, and has restricted herself to less and less text and calls to me.
Which on one hand, you'd think I would be happy with. But I realized I'm not. And why? Because one thing all the text and calls have done is kept me in contact with her while she isn't with me. While not totally realistic, I think I've felt as long as we were keeping in touch through the day, she wouldn't be not thinking about me that much and maybe thinking about the OM, or meeting some other guy behind my back. I think maybe the reduction of text and calls has made me feel a bit uneasy, as if there is a growing distance between us. Like, this is how it starts, and gradually things are going to go back to the way they were before the A. Again, totally unrealistic, as we still spend tons more time together than before the A, and that's not changing if I can help it.
And part of it could be nothing more than just the process of incorporating our new normal. Like when I would stand in our new religion and wonder "What on earth am I doing here?" this could be the equivalent of that in this process. And it is also possibly a side-result of being on DS. I get support, yes, but I also see this continual stream of hurting people fresh from dday coming through. Or others who seemed to be rebuilding well, suddenly fall apart. And exposure to these keeps those initial feelings on dday alive, keeps the loss you experienced, the unfairness because this was done to you, etc. Keeps it all alive and fresh.
And that can take its toll. Or maybe it is a combination of all of these, and reasons I've not realized or thought about yet. But at least this unease isn't due to any concerns that Gabi will or is having a set back. I have no gut feelings that she is hiding anything or thinking or cheating behind my back. I think it is just me. But I do think the realization that the reduction lately in text and calls may have something to do with it in a subtle way helps identify where this is coming from, at least in part.
Maybe it is a good thing? Means we are settling in and not feeling the need to check on each other all the time? But maybe that's scary to me too. Maybe I would rather be interrupted some more and deal with the struggle of not getting to move forward with whatever project I'm working on, if I can keep in touch with her through the day and it makes me less edgy.
I know. I should then text her more, call her more. And I did today some. But when I get into something, my focus blocks everything else out often, including time and how long its been. Which is why my post tend to get long, and why I should go to bed right now, because I have a long day tomorrow. I'll be out most of the day working for a friend. That will continue through the weekend. So don't be surprised if you don't see me on here as frequently as normal the next few days.
Anyway, Gabi, that may be why I'm feeling uneasy like something is wrong. It's just a hard to identify why I'm feeling that way. So, give me a call, and we'll talk about it. :)