Why am I struggling so?
I cannot seem to figure out how to go no contact. I keep changing the rules on myself. I keep slipping and sliding all around it. I cannot seem to just do it. I have gone six days, fourteen days and just recently seven days. Now? five seconds. Yes, I just texted him.
His latest thing and the reason I broke no contact is his emails saying that he was having a yard sale and getting rid of all our stuff. (I left him with my suitcases only, overseas, there was no going back) So, now he is in Texas and he has a garage full of stuff from my kids childhood. (I am in Seattle) So, when I couldn't be reached by text or phone he emailed to let me know that he was having this yard sale and everything must go. It is junk, Shannon. It is over, Shannon. You are holding on to the past, Shannon.
He made me so emotionally baby like. I sobbed and cried and begged. Please don't. Their baby clothes. (At least I have the photo albums and the videos) But their beanie babies. Their toys. All of it. Our whole lives. He said that he needed to be able to reach me anytime to talk about this stuff. I spent yesterday begging him to take me back and work it out. (huh?) I reminded him of good times. I told him I was so scared. (I didn't see that he had just made me that way) I told him I was sorry for leaving him and oh please. He told me his feelings for me "A glowing ember about to go out. All the things you have done..."
The things I did? The things he is angry for? I left him. I took our daughter and I ran. I left him in his abusive puddle of alcohol and pills. I begged for help from his family who insisted he wasn't an alcoholic until his behavior landed him in rehab. I filed for legal separation when he threatened me daily with non payment. I did file for divorce a year later when I found out about match.com and the other women.
He pulled me back in. He does it again and again and again. One time, it was about our daughter. One time is was about taxes. (Now, they are separate of course) One time, when his Dad died. He keeps sucking me back in but then grinding me up and spitting me out. Cruelly. He says inflammatory things and then listens patiently to my crazy responses. There, there, Shannon.
I tell him I am letting him for good this time. He says, "Oh, honey, I thought you did that a year ago." Ever so patient and loving. I am the poor crazy wife that just won't let go. I texted him this morning. "I am asking you not to throw the kids things away. I ask you to please mail them to me. I know it will be expensive and I will pay for it."
Simple right? Does that leave ANYTHING else up for discussion? Is there anything else to be said after that statement? I want to get this right. I fully believe that I cannot heal as long as this stuff pops up. It used to be every day. Every awful day. Now it is every week. I want it to STOP. I need to leave crazy town and never ever ever come back here. The results are never good. Ever.
"Maybe I could come back to see you." Um, he was just here folks. A miserable time. A miserable human being. Why? How could I say yes? I found myself yesterday begging and crying and slurping my snot. OMG
His latest thing and the reason I broke no contact is his emails saying that he was having a yard sale and getting rid of all our stuff. (I left him with my suitcases only, overseas, there was no going back) So, now he is in Texas and he has a garage full of stuff from my kids childhood. (I am in Seattle) So, when I couldn't be reached by text or phone he emailed to let me know that he was having this yard sale and everything must go. It is junk, Shannon. It is over, Shannon. You are holding on to the past, Shannon.
He made me so emotionally baby like. I sobbed and cried and begged. Please don't. Their baby clothes. (At least I have the photo albums and the videos) But their beanie babies. Their toys. All of it. Our whole lives. He said that he needed to be able to reach me anytime to talk about this stuff. I spent yesterday begging him to take me back and work it out. (huh?) I reminded him of good times. I told him I was so scared. (I didn't see that he had just made me that way) I told him I was sorry for leaving him and oh please. He told me his feelings for me "A glowing ember about to go out. All the things you have done..."
The things I did? The things he is angry for? I left him. I took our daughter and I ran. I left him in his abusive puddle of alcohol and pills. I begged for help from his family who insisted he wasn't an alcoholic until his behavior landed him in rehab. I filed for legal separation when he threatened me daily with non payment. I did file for divorce a year later when I found out about match.com and the other women.
He pulled me back in. He does it again and again and again. One time, it was about our daughter. One time is was about taxes. (Now, they are separate of course) One time, when his Dad died. He keeps sucking me back in but then grinding me up and spitting me out. Cruelly. He says inflammatory things and then listens patiently to my crazy responses. There, there, Shannon.
I tell him I am letting him for good this time. He says, "Oh, honey, I thought you did that a year ago." Ever so patient and loving. I am the poor crazy wife that just won't let go. I texted him this morning. "I am asking you not to throw the kids things away. I ask you to please mail them to me. I know it will be expensive and I will pay for it."
Simple right? Does that leave ANYTHING else up for discussion? Is there anything else to be said after that statement? I want to get this right. I fully believe that I cannot heal as long as this stuff pops up. It used to be every day. Every awful day. Now it is every week. I want it to STOP. I need to leave crazy town and never ever ever come back here. The results are never good. Ever.
"Maybe I could come back to see you." Um, he was just here folks. A miserable time. A miserable human being. Why? How could I say yes? I found myself yesterday begging and crying and slurping my snot. OMG
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