Why am I setting myself up for the ultimate rejection

Before you even start to read this, it will be by far be the longest journal you've read.  It's not about a revelation, or advice for others today - it's strictly about the emotional rollercoaster ride that just doesn't seem to want to let me off just yet.  It's a combination of hope for miracles and fear of rejection but acceptance to whichever happens.  I came very close to making it private just because I feel like I took a step backwards in my journey and I don't want to come off like a complete idiot for doing so.  But you are welcome to read it.  I'm not sure you'll get as much out of reading it as I did out of writing it.  But at least it's off my chest now.  So here goes .............................................. Yep - it's here again, that thread of hope.  It's all Mike Kirby's fault.  No, actually it's my own fault.  I've let Mike's hope and prayers and his willingness to try and save our marriage seep into my mind.  I've allowed myself to think that there may still be chance for a miracle afterall.   Mike Kirby has been a friend of mine and Jeff's for over 15 years.  He's mainly Jeff's good friend, but I've known him that long too.  He has taken it upon himself to be our personal savior.  He has taken it upon himself to make our marriage number one on his prayer list.  He has gone as far as to include his "prayer warriors" (6 other men who know Jeff) into our troubled marriage so that they too can pray for us.  One of them has already emailed me and Jeff with words of encouragement to not give up. Mike and his wife Michelle have been where we are and through a lot of pain, heartache, and awakening, they have saved not only their marriage, but themselves.  They have deepened their relationship with each other and with God.  They have made God the center of their lives and in turn he has given them the ability to be what each other needs in a mate.  I am so overjoyed that they have been able to pull their marriage back from the brink.  According to him as far as he was concerned, at the time of their seperation 7 years ago he never wanted to see her again in his life - he hated her.  Then he started looking deep within himself and finding the source of his own faults and demons.  He found out that he wanted her to be something she was not and in turn she was on the same path of destruction.  How could they ever make it work again when all this pain had touched their lives.  He took the "walk of change".  He knew that if his love for Michelle was ever to return, he had to make the changes within himself and show her that he had changed for the love of their marriage.  And so he did, he became a changed man and in return she then changed too until the transformation into a loving couple once again became complete.   Mike has emailed me and texted me about not giving up on our marriage or on Jeff.  He has emailed Jeff about the same.  He had a 1.5 hour lunch with Jeff yesterday and he told me Jeff told him he just wants to be needed and heard.  I can understand that - I felt that way too.  How can we both want the same things from each other and not be able to give it ourselves.  I told Mike that although I really appreciate his efforts I feel that Jeff is too far gone to change his mind.  He responded that he didn't believe that either one of us was too far gone.  He feels that there has been nothing so detremental within our marriage that cannot be forgiven.  He said we never learned the language of love.  The 5 love signs.  I never knew about these and I don't want to learn just yet unless I can apply them to my marriage.  I don't want to know what I could've done if it's already to late to do it.  Then I'll just start thinking about the "what if I would've done this, or what if I could've done that - maybe then my husband would still love me".   So upon thinking about this and praying on this, and on the advice of my sister I called my husband.  I told him that I have been listening to a lot of what Mike has had to say and that I would like to talk to him about it.  You know, have a heart to heart real conversation.  He immediately replied, "I think we've already said everything there is to say".  I told him i wasn't talking about hashing out how bad of a wife I was, or how bad of a husband he was, or if he would've done this or I would've done that, I told him I wanted us to just talk.  Talk about our hopes and dreams and our fears and our losses.  Our feelings.  We haven't done this in so long, I think we both forgot how.  I talked to him about going to marriage counseling and that I would be willing if he would and that maybe we need professional help to teach us how to be married the right way because we sure handled it all the wrong way.   I told him that if Mike and Michelle can pull their marriage back together from how far gone they were, then I feel we could do the same and that Mike thinks we still have a chance.  He replied, "I don't know" and I said I don't know either, but I think it's possible to forgive and forget and start with a clean slate.  Start doing things together because we stopped doing things together long ago.  Learn how to laugh again together and enjoy each other's company.   I told him that I mainly wanted him to know 2 things.  1)  that the door was open if he choose to walk through it and save our marriage through counseling.  and 2) that no matter what happened between us that I was always proud to have him as my husband.  That he was everything I ever wanted him to be and more.  I told him I know I didn't show it, but not once did I ever consider him a failure and that I was proud. Mike seems to think that Jeff's self-esteem has been deeply damaged due to the bankruptcy and foreclosure and even though I didn't blame him, he blamed himself and see's himself as a failure.  And to be quite honest, I didn't offer him the reassurance that he needed to know that he wasn't a failure.  I told Jeff in our talk that we both kept telling everyone that we were handling it when in fact we weren't.  He thinks Jeff is just running away from it all, including me.  That it all just became too much to bear and he removed himself from it thinking that was the only option left for him to do. I didn't ask Jeff to make a decision right there and then about marriage counseling.  I know he'll need some time to process this and come to his own decision.  I just let him know that I was open to the possibility. Later that night, I wrote him an email explaining how I came to call him.  I told him that I think Mike is on a mission to save us because he's been there himself and he feels like he can offer words of experience.  I told Jeff that I was listening to what Mike had to say and that I was learning a lot about things I didn't realize.  I also told him something Mike had said to me that stuck with me and that was that he feels everyone comes into our life for a reason and he feels very strongly that the reason he knows me and Jeff, his purpose in our life is for him to be here right now to help us, guide us and support us.  Even though we've known him for years, his purpose is to be here right now for us when we need him and his spiritual healing the most.  I told Jeff that Mike's faith is so strong that it rubbed off on me and that I was open to the possibility that maybe he was right. I also mentioned about Mike learning so much about himself, his wife and his marriage during his seperation that I truly admire him for turning his life and his marriage around and that I was hoping we could do the same. The last thing I said in the email was that I know it's not an easy decision to try marriage counseling when it's gone this far, but I think divorce will be even harder.  I said who knows, maybe were not as far gone as we think we are.  Afterall, after talking to both of us, Mike thinks we still have a chance and I'd like to believe that. I also sent Jeff a quote that I saw recently from one of the DS memebers.  It really made me stop and think and I hoped it would make him stop and think too.  It said..... "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten" I told Jeff that what we did for the last 10 years was anger, resentment and disrespect and what we've gotten back from each other is the same anger, resentment and disrespect.  I told him maybe if we change what we've always done, we can change what we've always gotten. Something to think about. I know I titled this "why am I setting myself up for the ultimate rejection" and this is why I chose that title.     I know there is a very real possibility that my husband is already in love with someone else and that is the real reason he finally left me after 10 years of being unhappy.  If he comes back to me and says he doesn't even want to try marriage couseling after all this from me and Mike than I have to admit 100% that it's because he's in love with someone else.  After 23 years together and after me bearing my soul before him and Mike practically begging him to open his eyes and take the "walk of change" - if none of this makes him at least stop and think that there's a possiblity that our marriage can be saved if he wants to try, then the only reason he won't even want to try is because there is already someone else that he's chosen to love. Therefore, by me allowing this thread of hope to come sneaking back into my heart, and by telling him that I am willing to try counseling and laying my heart on the line, all the while knowing that there could be someone else, I have therefore set myself up for the ultimate rejection. But, since I know of this possibility before hand, I think I'll be able to handle it if it comes my way.  Just last week I had accepted completely that it was over and that thread of hope disappeared among the reality of divorce papers.  So I know that no matter what, I'll be ok.  I can't really hurt anymore than I already do so if this is what happens, then it is what it is. On the other hand, maybe there's a miracle coming in my life afterall and maybe God has used this trial and tribulation so that we can both see the error of our ways and come back to each other even stronger and more committed than ever before. Mike's favorite saying is .....  "Relax, it's in God's hand".  So from this point on, that's what I'm going to do.