Why am I sad
I guess I should try to figure out why I am sad so much. I am going to try to break it down and focus on one reason per entry.
Reason number 1: My mother. I have had boughts of extreme sadness most of my life, but the reason I am getting so much worse now is my mother. We were so close. We lived far apart, but we talked once a week, we emailed every day. I missed her all the time and seeing her was one of my greatest joys in life. She was the one friend I had since I was a little girl. I didn't do what most teenagers do and hate or argue with my mother. I didn't like my dad, I always loved my mom. We went shopping together, when I moved out she drove me to my new home, she came to help when all my kids were born.
3 years ago my dad died. Now I knew my mom loved him with all her heart although I did not think he was good for her. I was so afraid she would just let herself die without him the way many long time couples do. We had talked about it with my dad and her and agreed she would live with me when he died. He did not want her alone.
So in she moved. She was horribly grief stricken, would just sit and stare at walls for hours. She complained if we didn't talk to her every minute, saying we were mad at her, if I went out with a friend and didn't take her, I was avoiding her. She followed people from room to room so she was never alone, but didn't speak. It was awful. We didn't know what to do and then some other family came to visit and chatted about her hometown. She started talking about going back. We didn't think that was a good idea and got her to promise to give it a year with us. But she wouldn't drive anywhere. I got a lady her age to take her places, but mom wouldn't talk to people and just sat at the tables. Finally she told my brothers my family was awful especially one of my sons who is ADHD and being around him made her almost "feel sick" and she was moving out. I got into a big fight with her about saying such awful things. One of my brothers came to get her and moved her home.
Things have never been the same. She has never apologized or said she didn't mean the things she said, which really hurts. But I have also come to realize she is not the same person I knew and loved. She is just a shell without my dad. Although she had not died physically she has died mentally. My oldest brother has noticed it too. She still just sits and stares. She used to chatters like crazy asking questions about us, or kids, anything she saw, now she just sits silently. Phone calls are next to impossible. There are so many gaps of just nothing unless you chatters endlessly to yourself.
She no longer bakes. At Christmas we used to get cookies and treats in a box, but no more. She complains about the long days, but she sold her sewing machine, her treadmill, and her organ. I signed her up for a craft of the month club, but she only did the first one. She now has 5 sitting around undone, but complains she has nothing to fill her time.
I miss my mom. I miss the woman that loved me. The woman that cared what I thought, what I felt, how my day was. This to me is harder than if she died, because I still have to see her and interact with her and yet she is gone. She was my rock and now I teeter on a rolling log with no solid ground beneath me. I think it might be better if I just stopped communicating with her and my therapist recommended it, but she said she couldn't go on if I cut her off and I would feel so guilty.
No idea what to do or how to handle it. My oldest brother is pushing for her to move close to my other brother now. He says she isn't competent to stay alone. That is a whole other story, but I do not want to be near this brother. If she moves close to him I don't think I would ever go see her as I would have to see him. So that leaves moving her down near me again. I would have to see her constantly. I don't know if I could stand it.
All I know if I wish I could have my mom back and somedays I don't know if I can survive the hurt.
Reason number 1: My mother. I have had boughts of extreme sadness most of my life, but the reason I am getting so much worse now is my mother. We were so close. We lived far apart, but we talked once a week, we emailed every day. I missed her all the time and seeing her was one of my greatest joys in life. She was the one friend I had since I was a little girl. I didn't do what most teenagers do and hate or argue with my mother. I didn't like my dad, I always loved my mom. We went shopping together, when I moved out she drove me to my new home, she came to help when all my kids were born.
3 years ago my dad died. Now I knew my mom loved him with all her heart although I did not think he was good for her. I was so afraid she would just let herself die without him the way many long time couples do. We had talked about it with my dad and her and agreed she would live with me when he died. He did not want her alone.
So in she moved. She was horribly grief stricken, would just sit and stare at walls for hours. She complained if we didn't talk to her every minute, saying we were mad at her, if I went out with a friend and didn't take her, I was avoiding her. She followed people from room to room so she was never alone, but didn't speak. It was awful. We didn't know what to do and then some other family came to visit and chatted about her hometown. She started talking about going back. We didn't think that was a good idea and got her to promise to give it a year with us. But she wouldn't drive anywhere. I got a lady her age to take her places, but mom wouldn't talk to people and just sat at the tables. Finally she told my brothers my family was awful especially one of my sons who is ADHD and being around him made her almost "feel sick" and she was moving out. I got into a big fight with her about saying such awful things. One of my brothers came to get her and moved her home.
Things have never been the same. She has never apologized or said she didn't mean the things she said, which really hurts. But I have also come to realize she is not the same person I knew and loved. She is just a shell without my dad. Although she had not died physically she has died mentally. My oldest brother has noticed it too. She still just sits and stares. She used to chatters like crazy asking questions about us, or kids, anything she saw, now she just sits silently. Phone calls are next to impossible. There are so many gaps of just nothing unless you chatters endlessly to yourself.
She no longer bakes. At Christmas we used to get cookies and treats in a box, but no more. She complains about the long days, but she sold her sewing machine, her treadmill, and her organ. I signed her up for a craft of the month club, but she only did the first one. She now has 5 sitting around undone, but complains she has nothing to fill her time.
I miss my mom. I miss the woman that loved me. The woman that cared what I thought, what I felt, how my day was. This to me is harder than if she died, because I still have to see her and interact with her and yet she is gone. She was my rock and now I teeter on a rolling log with no solid ground beneath me. I think it might be better if I just stopped communicating with her and my therapist recommended it, but she said she couldn't go on if I cut her off and I would feel so guilty.
No idea what to do or how to handle it. My oldest brother is pushing for her to move close to my other brother now. He says she isn't competent to stay alone. That is a whole other story, but I do not want to be near this brother. If she moves close to him I don't think I would ever go see her as I would have to see him. So that leaves moving her down near me again. I would have to see her constantly. I don't know if I could stand it.
All I know if I wish I could have my mom back and somedays I don't know if I can survive the hurt.
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