Why am I here?

It seems I only feel comfortable writing here. I try to post but end up deleting it before I post. I feel like I am burdening others who have their own grief to deal with. I don't need to remind them of what they are already feeling. I feel so different from others on this site. They tell stories of how wonderful their spouses were, how they were loved and have such happy memories to hold on to. I have none of that. I was married for 20+ years and 15 of those years were bad, sometimes very bad. I stayed to try to save him (I was all he had) finally have to leave to save myself and that is when his health went on a very fast downward spiral and I feel guilty. Some of his friend's even blame me.They knew a very different Vince. I know you can't save anyone. But it is harder said than done. He was my best friend even though it was bad. My family doesn't understand. They are happy he is gone. And since he has gone I have less and less contact with them. I have always felt alone. My daughter told I should learn to love being alone. Ouch!  Is it because I can't be or know how to love?! I am different and know it. Making and keeping friends is the hardest thing for me. Someone once told me that "everyone loves me, but I have no friends" and even though that sounds horrible. It is so very true. I know my self-esteem is shot and it is hardest thing to build it back. If he had been alive and we could still talk, would it help. I know he loved me in the only he way knew how. Did I ask for too much? Do I ask for too much? I hate knowing that other people can have happiness and somehow I can't. But what is "real" happiness? It is most likely this damn day that stirs it all up! Whoever invented this day do they know how much pain it causes. Maybe more pain than joy. I wonder how I can be so strong for others and so weak for myself. And YES I miss him! Very much! I miss who he was when we first met all those years ago. He was creative and funny and had a passion for fly fishing. We traveled to many art festivals and watched alot of sci-fi. We gardened and went camping. He loved my cooking and we shared many nice meals together. We traveled and made it a point to visit as many diners as possible. He loved diners.  He was spiritual and embraced his Native American heritage. It could of been just me and him enjoying what nature had given us. All I feel is that I have is memories of times I will never have again. Never know what our relationship could be like with more work. And worse of all knowing that he WAS really all I had, because I don't seem to have everyone now. No family, no friends, just me. I guess I need to just pull up my own boot straps and walk this path alone. No expectations. Be grateful I have my dog, cats who seems to understand!? Frankly they keep me waking up most mornings. They depend on me to take care of them. And if it were not for them I would be worse. I am such a mess and hide it very well. Again burdening others with my shit isn't something I do. All I can hope to that I can get through this with my counselor (someone I pay to be my friend). I look at my beautiful dog's face, staring at me with that perfect unconditional, loyal love and know I should be happy with just that.