Why Now?
It's been over 4 years since losing my husband to brain cancer. I looked for an online support group way back then but was too numb to navigate the profile questions. I still remember how simple tasks like that seemed insurmountable. So I never went farther than just peeking from the outside at some of these communities.
So why now? From the outside I appear to be doing very well. I started my own business, I maintain our family home, I've been on a few dates, my children haven't given into their grief by using drugs, alcohol or sex. By all standards I have "recovered well" from my husbands death. But no one sees me inside our home, no one sees the tears that still fall, the pain that still grips me, the loneliness that is as oppressive as the summer heat. I feel like I am no longer living I am just checking off the days on the calendar.
So why am I here? I'm so tired of feeling alone. I know there are others who have lost the loves of their lives, but they aren't in my circle of friends. My husband was young and strong and handsome and we were so in love with each other. Taking him through that 22 month illness was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, or so I thought. Living without him, nearly impossible.
So why now? From the outside I appear to be doing very well. I started my own business, I maintain our family home, I've been on a few dates, my children haven't given into their grief by using drugs, alcohol or sex. By all standards I have "recovered well" from my husbands death. But no one sees me inside our home, no one sees the tears that still fall, the pain that still grips me, the loneliness that is as oppressive as the summer heat. I feel like I am no longer living I am just checking off the days on the calendar.
So why am I here? I'm so tired of feeling alone. I know there are others who have lost the loves of their lives, but they aren't in my circle of friends. My husband was young and strong and handsome and we were so in love with each other. Taking him through that 22 month illness was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, or so I thought. Living without him, nearly impossible.
Replies
My heart goes out to you. Isn\'t cancer cruel? I am at 4 months, coping much better than I was.....but like you, feel like I am just living. Going through the motions, getting through each day, but the joy is gone, replaced by the loneliness of missing my soul mate and best friend. I keep wondering when I will feel joy again. I\'ve had fleeting moments of it, but yes, home alone, that\'s the part that is hard. I\'m glad you found this group. It is comforting to be amongst others who understand. When you are widowed at a young age, there are not too many others that truly understand what you are going through. All the best to you, Lori
You are here because you need to be here and you truly have found a place of comfort, support and strength. I totally understand what you are talking about when you say from outward appearances you seem to be doing fine. Many of us call it wearing a mask. We do what we need to do but we are hurting inside. The feeling of aloneness is one of many many emotional challenges we face. The good news is you are not alone. The people at DS are remarkable and will walk with you, support you and cheer you on. You are 100% right your 22 month journey through the illness will llikely be the most heart wrenching thing you have faced in your life. It takes alot of support and alot of healing. I dont know if we ever recover well. We learn over time to integrate our loss, carry our loved ones close to our heart and try and live our life with dignity. Post here often. Someone will have insight into what you are expereincing and be able to guide you. DS was the foundation that got me through some incredibly dark times. There is light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes it is so damn hard to see. Wishing you peace. God bless.