why not?
A few months ago I had my first... I guess you could call it "sexual experience" with a guy. It was absolutely awful. He was too aggressive and rough. I felt nothing but uneasiness and discomfort the entire time. Right after it happened I was sad, ashamed and even disappointed in myself. I did not care about this person. I did not even like this person. The only reason it happened was because I was drunk and he was taking me home. I can joke about it now and think about how dumb it was, but now I have this thought in the back of my head... about how easy it was. How loosing your virginity, being with different people isn't a big deal. I feel like it should be, but after that happened it's just not...
There was another guy I was "with" that night. He was different. He held my hand, we went walking, he kissed me lightly. He was kind. We started sort of seeing each other after that night and I didn't feel anything when we were sober. My fondness for him was just the alcohol talking. But lately I've been missing him so much and I have no idea why. I know when I see him everything will vanish. I'll get nervous, want him to go away. But when I'm alone, especially drinking, I just want him. I'll call him and lead him on. So I'm starting to feel like I owe it to him. Like I have to have sex with him. He's never made me feel like that, it's just my own mind thinking that, but still. Is it really that big of a deal?
I'm realizing that I'm not going to find some perfect person to sweep me up and carry me off to a better place. It's just not going to happen. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I will have to sooner or later settle. I'm not going to spend my teenage years waiting for someone who lights my world on fire because those kind of people don't exist. At least not yet in my world.
I'm fighting this war with myself. My morals vs my (almost constantly) intoxicated mind. I know I may regret later being so careless, but it seems like this is sort of what I need right now. Excitement. Something new. A release. And sex just seems like the answer.
There was another guy I was "with" that night. He was different. He held my hand, we went walking, he kissed me lightly. He was kind. We started sort of seeing each other after that night and I didn't feel anything when we were sober. My fondness for him was just the alcohol talking. But lately I've been missing him so much and I have no idea why. I know when I see him everything will vanish. I'll get nervous, want him to go away. But when I'm alone, especially drinking, I just want him. I'll call him and lead him on. So I'm starting to feel like I owe it to him. Like I have to have sex with him. He's never made me feel like that, it's just my own mind thinking that, but still. Is it really that big of a deal?
I'm realizing that I'm not going to find some perfect person to sweep me up and carry me off to a better place. It's just not going to happen. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I will have to sooner or later settle. I'm not going to spend my teenage years waiting for someone who lights my world on fire because those kind of people don't exist. At least not yet in my world.
I'm fighting this war with myself. My morals vs my (almost constantly) intoxicated mind. I know I may regret later being so careless, but it seems like this is sort of what I need right now. Excitement. Something new. A release. And sex just seems like the answer.
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