Why

I don't understand, and I'll never understand, why it has to be this way.. Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is hard enough, but seeing how my disorder affects the people around me that I care about the most kills me inside. It's like I'm watching myself be this horrible person, but I can't do anything to stop it. It's almost as if I split into a different person.. The person I really don't like seeing. I don't know if it's like this with other people with borderline personality disorder, but, for me, sometimes I forget that I say/do things when I get into my "spells" of anger. It's bad. Real bad. People have to remind me of what I said or what I did, and I'm so embarrrassed and I feel so mean when I hear the things I've said to peopole. i just don't know how to stop it.