WHO JESUS IS TO ME

I GUESS I'M IN THE MOOD TO WRITE, SO AS SEAN CONNERY COMMANDS IN FINDING FORRESTER, I TOO WILL PUNCH THE KEYS FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!  RIGHT BEFORE HE SAYS MY VERY FAVORITE LINE IN THE MOVIE OF...YES, YES, YOU'RE THE MAN NOW, DOG.  GOD, I LOVE THAT SHIT.  WATCHING AN OLD ENGLISH WHITE MAN TALKING LIKE A BLACK MAN JUST ENTERTAINS ME TO NO END.  I LOVE IT.    NOW I THOUGHT I WOULD EXPRESS WHO JESUS CHRIST IS TO ME.  IN MY OWN WORDS.  WHEN I MET JESUS FOR THE FIRST TIME, I WAS A VERY ANGRY, SAD, DISTRAUGHT, AND PATHETIC LITTLE BOY.  WAIT, LET ME GO BACK TO WHAT I CALL THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.  IT WAS DECEMBER 21ST IN 1991 AT 8AM WHEN MY WORLD CRASHED ALL AROUND ME.  THAT WAS THE DAY WHEN MY SINGLE PARENT DAD OF MYSELF AS A BOY THAT WAS A WEEK SHORT OF 14 YEARS OLD, AND MY SISTER WHO HAD JUST TURNED 12 THREE MONTHS BEFORE, INSTANTLY DIED OF A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK IN BED AS A 43 YEAR OLD MAN.  I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT MORNING WHEN MY SISTER, AND THE TWO KIDS THAT WERE MY DAD'S NEW WIFE'S OF 2 MONTHS GOT SENT INTO MY FRESHLY BUILT BEDROOM IN THE LARGE GARAGE WHILE THE PARAMEDICS TRIED TO SAVE MY DAD'S LIFE, AND THEN TOOK HIS LIFELESS BODY TO THE HOSPITAL WHERE HE WAS PRONOUNCED DEAD ON ARRIVAL.  WHEN THEY SAID SOMETHING HAPPENED TO DAD, I PRAYED AND PRAYED AND PRAYED LIKE I HAD NEVER PRAYED BEFORE THAT GOD WOULD SPARE MY DAD'S LIFE.  AFTER A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER, I RECEIVED THE OFFICIAL WORD THAT MY PRECIOUS DADDY WAS INDEED DEAD AND WASN'T EVER GOING TO BE REVIVED.  WELL, AT THAT POINT, I THEN CUSSED OUT GOD LIKE I CAN'T IMAGINE, HE'S EVER BEEN CUSSED OUT BEFORE.  I WAS DONE WITH THAT GOD DAMN STUPID SON OF A BITCH WHO TOOK MY DADDY AWAY FROM ME AND MY LITTLE SISTER.  I DIDN'T GIVE A FLEE FLYIN' FUCK ABOUT GOD, AND AS FAR AS I WAS CONCERNED, HE COULD SUCK MY MOTHERFUCKIN' COCK, THAT FUCKIN' CUNT.  OH YEAH, I WAS PISSED, AND I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK WHO KNEW IT AND STILL DON'T.  THAT LASTED FOR PROBABLY 6 MONTHS IN MY DARK HOLE OF UTTER DESPAIR.  FINALLY, I CAME TO A POINT WHERE IT WAS JUST STUPID TO HATE GOD.  I MEAN, WHAT GOOD IS IT REALLY GOING TO DO ME TO HATE WHO CREATED ME AND EVERYTHING AROUND ME.  MY SIS AND I'S MOM SWOOPED IN AND PICKED US UP AFTER MY DAD'S WIFE KICKED US OUT OF THE HOUSE THAT MY DAD JUST BOUGHT FOR US AND HIS NEW FAMILY.  MY MOM PROVIDED US WITH FOOD AND SHELTER, AND WHAT LOVE SHE HAD ALTHOUGH, PERSONALLY, ME AND HER NEVER REALLY DID GET ALONG UP TO THAT POINT.  ANYWAY, IT WAS COMING UP ON SPRING BREAK OF MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, AND MY MOM THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR ALL OF US TO GET AWAY FOR THE FIRST WEEKEND UP TO HUMBOLDT OUTSIDE OF PRESCOTT WHERE SHE HAD SOME LIFELONG FRIENDS THAT LIVED UP THERE, AND I HAD DEVELOPED A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE OF THEIR DAUGHTERS.  SO WE WENT AND IT WAS VERY RELAXING.  WELL, MY GIRLFRIEND'S DAD HAD A HORSE PEN THAT HE NEEDED CLEANED OUT, AND I SAID I WOULD DO IT OVER THE WEEK OF SPRING BREAK SO I COULD BE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.  WELL LITTLE DID I KNOW, THAT WEDNESDAY NIGHT WOULD BE THE NIGHT THAT I FIRST MET THE LORD.  HER FAMILY WAS BIG INTO AWANA'S, SO I CAME WITH AND THEN BEFORE I KNEW IT, POW, BANG, BOOM, I WAS BORN-AGAIN, SAVED, AND A CHILD OF GOD.  PRETTY IRONIC CONSIDERING THE VENOM THAT I SPIT ALL OVER HIM WHEN HE TOOK MY DAD FROM MY SIS AND I.   EVER SINCE THAT 8:15PM OF APRIL 7TH OF 1993, I HAVE BEEN OBSESSED WITH FINDING OUT EVERYTHING ABOUT WHO JESUS WAS, AND JUST WHO JESUS WAS TO ME.  I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT GOD WANTED TO GIVE HIS PRECIOUS SON THE CHANCE TO BE A PROUD DADDY TOO, SO HE TOOK MY SISTER AND I'S DAD AWAY, AND REPLACED HIM WITH JESUS CHRIST.  NOW IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE MY SIS AND I ARE TWO COMPLETELY OPPOSITE PEOPLE, BUT WE BOTH HAVE A VERY VERY CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS.  ME IN A BAD ASS LIBERAL REBELOUS IN YOUR FACE SORT OF WAY, AND MY SIS IN HER SWEET INNOCENT, DO ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, OBEDIENT CONSERVATIVE SORT OF WAY.  IT'S LIKE JESUS WANTED TO DRILL HOME A POINT THAT HE WAS THE NARROW GATE, BUT ONCE YOU GOT INTO HIM, THERE WAS MORE THAN ONE WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE, OR AS I SAY, SKIN A CAT.  I EASILY IDENTIFIED WITH CHRIST'S TREATMENT OF THE OUTCASTS OF SOCIETY, YOU KNOW, THE WOMAN AT THE WELL, THE LEPARS, THE PROSTITUTES, THE LADY CAUGHT IN ADULTERY ABOUT TO GET STONED, AND MOST OF ALL...THE THEIF ON THE CROSS NEXT TO HIM WHEN HE WAS BEING EXECUTED.  THE THEIF DESERVED EVERY BIT OF HIS PUNISHMENT, JUST LIKE I DO, BUT HE HAD COMPASSION ON HIM, AND SAID IN A SENSE, DESPITE ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS YOU HAVE DONE IN YOUR LIFE, I KNOW YOU BELIEVE IN ME, AND I WILL RECEIVE YOU INTO MY KINGDOM OF EVERLASTING PARADISE.  THEN YOU THROW IN THE SONG BY THIRD DAY CALLED THIEF THAT FURTHER ILLISTRATES JUST HOW THAT SCENE COULD HAVE ALL GONE DOWN VIVIDLY, AND I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF MY JESUS, MY DADDY.  I LOOK AT THIS WORLD, AND I JUST SEE HIS GOODNESS, AND HIS LOVE, AND HIS COMPASSION TO ALL THOSE THAT OTHERS WOULD JUST SPIT ON OR LOOK THE OTHER WAY, OR EVEN TALK SHIT ABOUT.  PEOPLE THAT ARE HORRIBLE SINNERS AND GOD WOULD EASILY SEND TO THE FIRES OF HELL, BUT JESUS SAYS TO HIS DAD, NO, WAIT, DADDY I LOVE THEM.  THEY WILL BELIEVE IN ME, YOU JUST WATCH.  I GOT THEM RIGHT WHERE I WANT THEM, YOU'LL SEE.  THAT'S WHO JESUS WAS, HE WAS THE ULTIMATE SOLDIER.  HE CAME DOWN FROM THE COMFY CONFINES OF HEAVEN, FROM THE RIGHT HAND OF THE FATHER, AND HE CAME DOWN TO EARTH, AND BECAME FLESH AND BLOOD FROM A BABY BORN OF A VIRGEN.  HE DID IT, HE FELT IT, HE LIVED IT, AND HE WAS KILLED FOR IT, AND HE RESURRECTED FROM IT AFTER 33 YEARS OF LIFE ON THIS EARTH.  HE IS MY CAPTAIN, HE'S MY HOMEBOY, HE'S MY DADDY, HE IS MY LOVER, HE'S MY LORD.  HE IS ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING TO ME.  HE DID IT ALL, AND HE WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALL FOR ME, IF I WAS THE ONLY ONE ON EARTH.  THAT IS WHO HE IS.  HE WAS EVER LOVING, EVER FORGIVING, EVER COMPASSIONATE...HE WAS LOVE PERSONAFIED.  THAT'S WHY WHEN HE SAID THAT HIS ONLY RULE OF LAW WAS TO LOVE PEOPLE AS THEY LOVE THEMSELVES, AND TO LOVE GOD, THAT IS WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY HAVE DONE, OR WHAT SIN THEY HAVE COMMITTED.  I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOUR A FAGOT, A WHORE, A MURDER, AN ADULTERER, A THIEF, OR JUST A SICK FUCK OF ANYKIND, AND LORD KNOWS, THERE IS A WHOLE LOT OF SICK FUCKS IN THIS WORLD, WITH ME PROBABLY BEING CHIEF SICK FUCK, FOR AT LEAST IN MY THOUGHTS OR IN DEED, I HAVE PROBABLY DONE ALL SINS KNOWN TO MANKIND...AND YET, JESUS DIED, AND GAVE HIS LIFE SO 'IF' WE WOULD JUST BELIEVE IN HIM, WE TOO COULD BE SAVED FROM A WELL DESERVED HELL AS ONE THAT WAS AGAINST GOD, BECAUSE, WE ARE STILL AGAINST GOD, BUT JESUS IS OUR ADVOCATE, AND HIS SACRIFICE GAVE HIS FATHER THE RANSOM PAID IN FULL FOR US NOT TO BE SENT STRAIGHT TO HELL WHEN WE DIE.  I SAY THIS WITH THE MOST ADMIRATION POSSIBLE THAT JESUS IS MY MOTHERFUCKIN' NIGGA FOR LIFE.  ANYTHING HE WANTS ME TO DO OR SAY, I'LL FUCKIN' SAY IT, I SWEAR TO GOD BECAUSE TRULY, I JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK.  I'M GOING TO DO HIS WILL.  I'M DOING IT HOW HIS FATHER MADE ME TO DO IT, BUT I WILL DO HIS WILL REGARDLESS NO MATTER WHAT.  JESUS PUTS IT IN MY MIND TO DO IT, OR SAY IT, OR RESPOND TO IT, I'M GONNA DO IT, AND FUCK THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS FOR GOD WILL WORK IT ALL OUT FOR GOOD, AND IF I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING HANOUS TO FULFILL A GRANDER PURPOSE THAT ONLY GOD CAN SEE FROM HIS BLIMP PERSPECTIVE THEN I'M GOING TO FUCKIN' DO IT, HOORAH.  I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHO I AM, OR WHY I'M HERE.  I HAVE A THEORY, BUT I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA FOR SURE.  ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY I'M HERE, AND I'M HERE AS HIS SLEDGEHAMMER TOOL TO DO WHATEVER HE WISHES.  WE ARE ALL MEMBERS OF THE BODY OF CHRIST AS BELIEVERS, AND I'VE ALWAYS SAID, WELL, THEN I'LL BE THE DICK BECAUSE JESUS NEEDS A DICK, AND GOD DAMN IT, I'LL BE IT...NOT A PROBLEM.  THIS IS WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO.  I'M A SUPER DICK, IN THE WAY OF BEING A JERK, BUT ALSO I'M A SUPER DICK, IN THE WAY I LOVE THE LADIES.  I WORSHIP THEM AND WANT TO PLEASE THOSE THAT LIKE ME IN EVERY WAY, SHAPE, AND FORM.  I'M JUST SAYIN' THAT I AM A PAINT BRUSH IN MY FATHER'S HAND, THAT HE CAN PAINT ANY PICTURE HE WISHES WITH.  YEP, I'M JUST A TOOL.  I HAVE NO THOUGHTS, I HAVE NO EMOTIONS, I HAVE NO FEELINGS, I DO WHAT I'M PERSONALLY TOLD TO DO.  PERIOD.  NOT MY WILL, BUT THY WILL BE DONE.  JESUS ALREADY PAID FOR ALL SIN, SO I DON'T EVER CONCERN MYSELF WITH WHAT MIGHT BE A SIN AND WHAT MIGHT NOT.  NOW, IF I HURT A HUMAN BEING, AND I KNOW ABOUT IT, I HUMBLE MYSELF AND APOLOGIZE TO THAT PERSON TO MAKE IT RIGHT WHICH IS MY INTERPRETATION TO LOVING MY NEIGHBOR, AND LOVING THOSE AS I LOVE MYSELF.  I SAY, IF YOU ARE SHOWING LOVE TO SOMEBODY, THEN IT'S ALL GOOD.  FUCK THE LAW, JESUS FULFILLED THE LAW, AND YOU KNOW WHAT FULFILLED MEANS, RIGHT?  IT MEANS COMPLETED, WHEN HE SAID ON THE CROSS AT HIS ULTIMATE MOMENT OF PAIN AND AGONY, HE SAID, IT IS FINISHED.  THE VEIL WAS TORN INTO TWO IN THE HOLY TABERNACLE, AND THE LAW WAS COMPLETELY FINISHED.  HE SAID, THIS IS A NEW COVENANT AND YOU WILL LIVE BY MY BLOOD NOW, AND NOT BY LAW.  YOU LOVE GOD, AND YOU LOVE PEOPLE.  PERIOD.  SOME STILL FOLLOW GOD AND THEREFORE HIS LAW, AND THAT'S COOL, BUT I AM GOING TO FOLLOW MY DADDY, JESUS CHRIST, WHO CAME TO THIS EARTH AND POORED OUT HIS BLOOD ALL OVER ME SO THAT I COULD BE CLEAN AND ACCEPTABLE TO HIS FATHER BECAUSE OF WHAT HE DID, AND NOT ANYTHING THAT I HAVE DONE.  AS YOU'VE PROBABLY NOTICED, I'M WRETCHED, DISGUSTING, AND REPULSIVE TO THE CORE, BUT IF THERE IS ANY GOOD IN ME WHAT SO EVER, THEN IT IS ALL JESUS IN MY LIFE.  PERIOD.  BECAUSE I KNOW I'M A NO GOOD SON OF A BITCH SINCE DAY ONE, BUT JESUS SMILED UPON ME AND LOOKED DOWN FROM ABOVE IN HIS BLIMP PERSPECTIVE OUTSIDE OF TIME, AND SAID, OOH, I LIKE HIM.  HE'S DOING ALL THE SHIT THAT I NEVER COULD BECAUSE I HAD TO FULFILL THE LAW OF MY FATHER.  BUT NOW THIS NIGGA RIGHT HERE IS DOIN' SHIT.  HE'S DOING IT ALL, AND HE'S HAVING A DAMN GOOD TIME DOIN' IT TOO..............AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF WHAT I DID ON THE CROSS FOR ALL OF YOU.  YOU TOO CAN HAVE THIS FREEDOM OF BEING COVERED BY THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB AND KNOW THE JOY OF WHAT IT TRULY MEANS TO HAVE FREEDOM IN CHRIST, AND TO LOVE, AND I DO MEAN EVERY KIND OF LOVE IMAGINABLE WITH PEOPLE.