Who cares

It's hard to believe I haven't written since February. And I wish that were because I'm not in pain. But I am. And I woke up this morning finding it hard to breathe. This pain constantly takes my breath away and sweeps me off my feet. I only wish that were for a good reason. There's nothing worse than having no control over pain. Nothing I could do right now could ease this. The stabbing over and y is the worst part. Almost as if it's on a patterned rhythm that I have no control over. Stab, pause, stab, pause, stab, pause. It's no wonder rhythm's drive me insane. My pain has been feeling different in the past couple of months. And I don't know if it's because I have a tumor there now or what. I know I need to see a pain specialist and a surgeon but I don't know how much more pain my body can handle. I wish I could just take a leap and do it. I know I will... soon. I'm going to UCLA Medical Center/Ronald Reagan Hospital in L.A. to have this taken care of. Why does being an adult have to be so forcefully hard? And why does making decisions about my health at 22 have to be so dreaded? I hate this stupid pain..... I despise it. I want my life back.