Who Can Say Which Way Is The Right Way? Not Me.
My next door neighbor has lost two of her children in the last 10 years. I tried to express support sympathy a couple of times but she simply seems to be doing fine... maybe she's just better at pretending... I think she thinks that is how everyone is supposed to deal with grief. My stepmother, I don't know how she's born it... has lost 6 of 9 children... She nor anyone else in the family ever speaks of them... Its just not done. I don't understand them any better than they understand me I guess.
It happened again this morning... I was watching that movie; Pay It Forward.... I think we all understand the little boy's fear of dreaming and hoping... So of course I started crying... begging Cara to forgive me... I hate so much that she got lost in her search to find herself she turned to drugs/alcohol... and she died... I totally believe I made mistakes that contributed to her problems... I know they were mistakes... mostly I think she forgives me... maybe even she knows nothing mattered... her outcome was perhaps written long before her birth... I don't know... I just know that sometimes I just hurt... We all do...
So when the kid was afraid to ask for anything for his birthday... it really got to me... Yes I'm still living, dreaming, hoping, but my faith in good outcomes... it struggles with the reality of Cara's death to tell me to be careful not to believe and rely too much on anything...
I know damn good and well that movies like it and like Steel Magnolias, The Fault In Our Stars... etc. tear me up... so why do I watch them...
I'm left wondering am I guilty as some think of dwelling too much on my grief. And then I come here to talk to you all... . Am I refusing to do the deemed by some 'right' thing... put on the brave face and keep my feelings to myself... I don't know... sometimes I just feel like if I couldn't let it out somehow somewhere... I couldn't live with this pain...
I feel sad but I don't feel bad... sad is so normal... no need to change my mood icon... it is what it is...
It happened again this morning... I was watching that movie; Pay It Forward.... I think we all understand the little boy's fear of dreaming and hoping... So of course I started crying... begging Cara to forgive me... I hate so much that she got lost in her search to find herself she turned to drugs/alcohol... and she died... I totally believe I made mistakes that contributed to her problems... I know they were mistakes... mostly I think she forgives me... maybe even she knows nothing mattered... her outcome was perhaps written long before her birth... I don't know... I just know that sometimes I just hurt... We all do...
So when the kid was afraid to ask for anything for his birthday... it really got to me... Yes I'm still living, dreaming, hoping, but my faith in good outcomes... it struggles with the reality of Cara's death to tell me to be careful not to believe and rely too much on anything...
I know damn good and well that movies like it and like Steel Magnolias, The Fault In Our Stars... etc. tear me up... so why do I watch them...
I'm left wondering am I guilty as some think of dwelling too much on my grief. And then I come here to talk to you all... . Am I refusing to do the deemed by some 'right' thing... put on the brave face and keep my feelings to myself... I don't know... sometimes I just feel like if I couldn't let it out somehow somewhere... I couldn't live with this pain...
I feel sad but I don't feel bad... sad is so normal... no need to change my mood icon... it is what it is...
Replies
I am sorry for the sometimes struggle. Parents that have lost children and those that haven\'t all live with the what if\'s. I am not a good stuffer. I am glad you let yourself feel. If you do not, if we do not, we turn to stone. Brick upon brick of piled up loss. I say let it out any way you can. Movies work.
I love you
My aunt and uncle have lost 2 of their 3 daughters (my cousins) in the past 8 years. One died when she was hit head on by a drunk driver leaving a husband and 2 children and the other one died when, after being told time and time again never to touch alcohol, she chose to drink again and had a grand mal seizure and died.
I reached out to my aunt and her response both times was \"Well, it is what it is and we can\'t change it, can we?\" and she simply moved on. I beat myself up for awhile after Jason\'s death, thinking I should, wishing I could be more like her. Then I realized that where neither one of us is \"right\" or \"wrong\" I\'m not convinced that her way is any healthier than mine and there fore I\'ll just respect her right to do it her way but also honor me living with my grief, my way.
Movies, songs, tv shows, sappy commercials, sporting events, sunrises, sunsets, full moons, they all make me cry.
I am moving away from the word \"normal\" because I feel like that description suggests a list of do\'s and don\'ts and I\'ve never, ever been good at following all of the rules.
Learning to honor our way I think, is a real challenge and a real key to maneuvering this path and journey that we find ourselves on.
Feeling like we didn\'t do something we should\'ve, or that we did too much I am bunching together with a piece of twine and adding it to my bucket of guilt and demons. I struggle to let them go but have not been successful yet.
It\'s only been 3 years and 3 months and 5 days so I\'m pretty early in this life long journeys.
You\'re right, sad is so normal.
(((hugs))) Merrilee
I\'m sorry you are struggling with those damn emotions that send us spiraling out of control sometimes. I know when I watch movies (and I do) or look at pictures or go down the road of what if and why, it never leads to a place that makes me feel any better. I wish I knew why I do those things but a mother will always feels like she could have done more for their child...
I have found too when I show my emotions I\'m being real and honest. I was raised with a mother that didn\'t show emotions or if she did, she did only for a brief moment....cover up, what will others think? Oh I have learned it is way too tiring to not be myself....All you can be is yourself and I think you are awesome!
This mom is glad to know you and I stand with you, heart to heart. ((((hugs))) Vicki
At some point in my life, I heard that feelings are neither right nor wrong they are just our feelings. It was a relief to hear that.
This missing and grief has had an ebb and flow unique to each mom.
Our children are a part of us and nothing can change the deep love between us.
5 years 2 months and the love still grows.
Gentle hugs for you and Cara...
Debbie
Hi Elissa. I am like you. Sometimes even a thought or photo can bring gut wrenching pain and tears. I couldn\'t keep it all in if my life depended on it. I can have actual happy times and do enjoy life. But - the big but - it will always be tinged with pain. For me, it is healthy to let it out. I think those who cry for 2 days and \'get on with it\' are stuffing their feelings. Perhaps because they think it is expected, a sign of weakness or because they simply can\'t face them as they don\'t want to feel the pain.
My son\'-in-law\'s new (well not so new, she is 14 years older than him -oops catty) mother-in-law lost a daughter to cancer. I gave her a hug and told her I understood. She said \"you just have to get on with it\". I figure she has her way of getting on with it and I have mine. My tears are those of love and remembrance. Cara and Lisa are worth it. I will continue to cry and laugh and get on with it as best I can.
Thank you for sharing.
Tight hugs, M
Maybe we are just more sensitive to the bond of love we share with our angel-children? I only know that I still hurt when I re-live the past, feeling that I could have done so many things differently.......... Yes, I knew that Colleen would die at some point in time, but I just keep feeling that I could have done many things, differently while she was still alive. And while she was slowly passing away, I just stood there, frozen!!! I should have held her hand, talked to her, hugged her!!!!! But I didn\'t, I just stood there, frozen! And we can never go back to change any of those moments........
Gentle hugs to you, Elissa. xxx
I believe everyone must find their way and for some it is to never mention their child\'s name, for others it\'s finding comfort in hearing their child\'s name and everything that exists in-between. I know that for me I must remember and speak of Douglas and that is where FMO comes in because it is my daily time with him in one of the safest and most loving communities I know of.
My mom used to call me an \"open face sandwich\" as she would always know what I was up to, how I was feeling even at times before I knew. I certainly couldn\'t tell a lie with her growing up because I was always busted immediately. I believe I feel healthier because I must find a way to give my feelings expression, whether it\'s tears, talking story, quietly reflecting, however it finds its way out it must or I would implode.
Gentle care dear Elissa, as you allow whatever needs to be expressed to BE just as it is. I appreciate your thoughts and we are our children\'s memory keepers and if we don\'t speak of them, hold them close, who will? Our children lived on this earth for a time, they matter and they continue to live on and for me that means speaking of and remembering my son in all the ways that I can.
Loving care to Cara\'s mom from Douglas\' mom,
XO Joanie
so many words for you,, wish I had them,,,anyway,,, my Aunt Mae lost a baby,,, I knew it but wasn\'t allowed to speak of her,,, a lovely lady who I grew up knowing lost a son to cancer,,,, I was told NEVER ask Bernice about Gary,,, I now no that was sooo wrong... I so wish I had.... those movies,,, I try and stay away... love ya!
Steel Magnolias was Marissa\'s favorite movie. I do watch it every now and again to feel close to her. I think she knew it would be a comforting message to me. She was happy in her life with all the ups and downs. Like all of you, I wish for more time with Jennifer and Marissa. Saying their names is a joy for sure. Peace to everyone. Kathy
Is there a right and a wrong way to grieve?? I push the pain as far to the back of my mind, as possible. To think about my son and the fact he is gone, is something that drops me to my knees.Tears, panic attacks, etc...
I have some guilt feelings, that I could have, should have been more supportive of Dean, but I was the best mother that I knew how to be. I don\'t worry about how I should do my grieving. Like you said, \"it is what it is\"...
((((HUGS)))), Julia