Who are my tears for?
Well, here I am, just over two months since I lost my Barbara, and the tears still flow. My bride was ravaged by the cancer that consumed her body and stole my future in the process. I miss her so; I wonder who my tears are for, her or me? They say that "real men" don't cry. Either that is false, or I am not a "real man". It really doesn't matter, though. I cannot help myself. I wonder if I am only feeling sorry for myself and staying on my "pity pot", or if I am feeling sorry for my Barbara, who is no longer with me in life. Maybe a combination of both. All I know is that the tears keep coming to me, and I am still a basket case. They say that grief is the cost of loving someone. The cost is great, for my grief is immense. And my tears keep flowing. I write this in the hopes that I will one day look back with a better understanding of the lesson that God is teaching me now. But for this moment in time, I think I'll just cry.........
Replies
Oh Joe, Your tears are all you have right now and some true heart friends on DS which you will recognize soon. We have all been where you are and don\'t be impatient with yourself for the tears. It\'s a necessary part of grief and you deserve every tear you shed. I lost my husband in 2007 and for a very long time I believed my life was over. It was the life that I had that was over. With time and a lot of work which is simply putting one foot infront of another you will earn moments, then an hour and then a day where the pain decreases. That\'s not meant to be negative, but to give you hope. I\'m so sorry for your loss. Sharon
Thank you so much, Sharon. I have read many of your posts and I believe that you are a wonderful human being. I know there will come a time when I can help others navigate these rough waters as you are helping me now. I have lost my parents and a brother, among many other people I loved, but never have I felt the kind of pain that I am feeling now. Thank you once again for the kindness you have shown me. And I am proud to call you my friend........Joe
Joe...the tears flow whether we want them to or not. I was at work the other day making my morning toast and the tears just started out of know where ...and it has been almost 10 months for me. Think of the tears as raindrops of our soul and it has to release every now and again...we loved greatly and when that is gone we are sad...so what if we cry..and so what if you are a man...I watched two men cry their eyes out the other night at the grief support group I go to and I think it truely helps to let it go...Hugs Ellen
Joe -- For me the journey has been four weeks and there are days that I hear something, see something or even smell something that will make me cry. My husband was very sentimental person and he would cry at the drop of a hat, I loved them about him. Don\'t let anyone tell you that real men don\'t cry. You are A REAL MAN who loved his wife so amazingly. I can tell by your post.
They tell me that some day this hurt and pain will get better. Hugs to you. Carla
i believe tears have a language of their own when we don\'t quite know how to express our feelings. So, let your tears flow and take God\'s hand because He truly understands. You will find that this is just one part of our healing and finding our purpose in life.
Joe.....The tears right now are for everything....the loss of the woman you loved, for you having to live on in a world without her, the loss of the future you planned to share together, the loss of your life together as you once knew it. Let them flow....to try and deny the release of the tears will serve no purpose. Yes Joe....real men do cry because real men have the capacity to love and feel the awful grief that comes when that love is taken away. You won\'t believe me when I tell you that it will become easier as time goes by........but it will. The grief journey is one that must be made alone....with the support of friends and family......but still alone. The people here at DS will help and comfort you too. Peace to you from a fellow traveler. Dianne
Joe,
My wife left this world 5 months and 15 days ago. It was a sudden death. My tears still flow and I don\'t think it\'s about a pity pot it\'s about losing 1/2 your person. We were married for 32 years. When she left half my soul and being are gone. The tears at times help ease the loss so don\'t fight them. Real men who love do cry.
Peace to you
Dave
I am at almost a year and I cried this morning. The pain don\'t go away. We just some what adapt. Hope today is a better day for you. Hugs. Shawn
I think that real men can acknowledge and express their emotions and aren\'t afraid of them. When I was at two months, I felt exactly as if my heart had been ripped straight out of my body - and the raw chasm left behind was filled with tears, which just kept coming out and out. It just seems to be that way - there\'s no other way to deal with the unstoppable pain. I hope you start getting some moments of peace soon.
Hugs, Gail
Hi Joe ~ I just read this...not sure how I missed it, other than it was posted on a Thursday...my first Thursday on DS...it was a very bad day!!! I get so tired of the tears sometimes...And, Joe, you recently referred to my Snake as \"one helluva man\" & he cried easily...he cried when the doctor told us he had cancer, he cried tears of joy when they told us they had gotten it all, then more tears when they told us it was back...REAL men DO cry...I have no doubt you that you are a Real Man...the same kind of man my Snake was... Hugs ~E~
Joe, let yourself cry all you want.
Even or especially since Mary and I have been through all our problems, I cannot imagine what life without her would be.
I have nobody else, but her.
If it were not for her, my nights would be unbearably crushing for me.
My days...I am not sure better...because I\'d come home to an empty house.
I\'m the kinda guy that grieves in advance, in an attempt to \"prepay\" some of my pain. It doesn\'t work, but it\'s one scared child\'s minds way of thinking.
I greive for her, in the eventuality of my passing...fearful for her provision in this world with the years she has left.
I\'ve found that to cling to reality and know that my wife would want me to do so...brings me comfort. I\'ve told her, since day one, that she needs to take the insurance money, store me away, and go have a good time with her daughters...grandkids...and to really have fun at her ex\'s funeral.
Did I say that???
Oh well, there is no way that I can fully comprehend your grief, but I can help you shoulder it until you can carry it all yourself.