Who are my tears for?

Well, here I am, just over two months since I lost my Barbara, and the tears still flow.  My bride was ravaged by the cancer that consumed her body and stole my future in the process.  I miss her so; I wonder who my tears are for, her or me?  They say that "real men" don't cry.  Either that is false, or I am not a "real man".  It really doesn't matter, though.  I cannot help myself.  I wonder if I am only feeling sorry for myself and staying on my "pity pot", or if I am feeling sorry for my Barbara, who is no longer with me in life.  Maybe a combination of both.  All I know is that the tears keep coming to me, and I am still a basket case.  They say that grief is the cost of loving someone.  The cost is great, for my grief is immense.  And my tears keep flowing.  I write this in the hopes that I will one day look back with a better understanding of the lesson that God is teaching me now.  But for this moment in time, I think I'll just cry.........