WHICH KIND OF TOXIC PERSON ARE YOU?
13 Versions of Toxic People
The Controller.
Nobody shouldhave to ask for permission or be heavily directed on what towear, how tolook, who tospend time with or how tospend their money. Theres nothing wrong with being open to the influence of the people around you, but the way you do you is for you to decide. Your mind is strong and beautiful and shouldnt becaged. Healthy relationships support independent thought. They dont crush it.
The Taker.
All relationships are about give and take but if youre with a taker, youll be doing all the giving and theyll be doing all the taking. Think about what you get from the relationship. If its nothing, it might be time to question why youre there. We all have a limited amount of resources (emotional energy, time) to share between our relationships. Every time you say yes to someone who doesnt deserve you, youre saying no to someone who does.Give your energy to the people who deserve it and when youre drawing up the list of deserving ones, make sure your own name is at the top.
The Absent.
These versions of toxic people wont return texts or phone calls and will only be available when it suits them, usually when they want something. You might find yourself wondering whether they got your message, whether theyre okay, or whether youve done something to upset them. Norelationship should involvethis much guess-work.
The Manipulator.
Manipulators will steal your joy as though you made it especially for them. Theyll tell half-truths or straight out lies and when they have enough people squabbling, theyll be the saviour. Dont worry. Im here for you. Ugh. Theyll listen, theyll comfort, and theyll tell you want you need to hear. And then theyll ruin you.Theyll change the facts of a situation, take things out of context and use your words against you. Theyll calmly poke you until you crack, then theyll poke you for cracking. Theyll accidentally spill secrets or theyll hint that there are secrets there to spill, whether there are or not. Theres just no reasoning with a manipulator, so forget trying to explain yourself. The argument will run in circles and there will be no resolution. Its a black hole. Dont get sucked in.
You: I feel like youre not listening to me.Them: Are you calling me a bad listenerYou: No, Im just saying that youve taken what I said the wrong way.Them: Oh. So now youre saying Im stupid. I cant believe youre doing this to me. Everyone told me to be careful of you.
Theyll only hear things through their negative filter, so the more you talk, the more theyll twist what youre saying. They want power, not a relationship. Theyll use your weaknesses against you and theyll use your strengths your kindness, your openness, your need for stability in the relationship. If theyre showing tenderness, be careful theres something you have that they want. Show them the door, and lock it when they leave.
The Bullshitter.
Theytalk themselves up, they talk others down and they always have a reason for not doing what they say. Theyll lie outright or theyllgive you versions of the truth not a lie, not the truth, just that feeling in your gut that something is off. You cant believe a word they say. Theres no honesty, which means theres no intimacy. At worst bullshitters are heartbreakers. At best theyre raving bores.
The Attention Seeker.
Its nice to be needed. Its also nice to eat peanut butter, but it doesnt mean you want it all the time. The attention seeker always has a crisis going on and they always need your support. Be ready for the aggression, passive aggression, angst or a guilt trip if you dont respond.Oh. Youre going to dinner with friends? Its just that Ive had the worst day and I really needed you tonight. Oh well, I suppose I cant always expect you to be there for me. If its that important to you then you should go. I just want you to be happy. Ill just stay in by myself and watch tv or something (sigh). You go and have fun with your friends. I suppose Ill be okay.See how that works? When theres always a crisis, its only a matter of time before youre at the centre of one.
The One Who Wants to Change You.
Its one thing to let you know that the adorable snort thing you do when you laughisnt so adorable, but when youre constantly reminded that you arent smartenough, good-lookingenough, skinny enough, strong enough, you have to start thinking that the only thing that isnt good enough about you is this loser who keeps pointing these things out. Youll never be good enough for these people because its not about you, its about control and insecurity theirs, not yours. As long as theyre working on changingyou, they dont have to worry about themselves, and as long as they can keep you small, theyll have a shot at shiningbrighter.
These people will make you doubt yourself by slowly convincing you that they know best, and that theyre doing it all for you.Youd just be so much prettierif you lost a few pounds, you know? Im just being honest.Ugh.Unless youre having to be craned through your window, or youre seriously unhealthy, its nobody elses business how luscious your curves are. If you feel heavy, start by losing the 160 pounds of idiot beside you and you wont believe how much lighter youll feel. These ones arent looking out for you, theyre trying to manage you. The people who deserve you will love you because of who you are, not despite it.
The One You Want to Change.
People arent channels, hairstyles or undies. You cant change them. Someone who snarls at the waiter will always be the kind of person who snarls at the waiter whether theyre snarling or not. People can change, but only when theyre ready and usually only when theyve felt enough pain. Its normal to fight for the things that are important, but its important to know when to stop.When a relationship hurts to be in, the only thing that will change will beyou a sadder, more unhappier version of the person you started out as. Before it gets to this, set a time limit in which you want to see change. Take photos of yourself every day youll see it in your eyes if something isnt right, or check in at the end of each week and write down how you feel. Have something concrete to look back on. Its easier to let go if its clear over time that nothing has changed. Its even easier if you can see that the only thing different is that the lights have gone out in you.
The Abuser.
The signs might be subtle at first but theyll be there.Soon, there will be a clear cycle of abuse, but you may or may not recognise it for what it is but this is how it will look:
>> There will be rising tension. Youll feel it. Youll tread carefully and youll be scared of saying or doing the wrong thing.
>> Eventually, there will be an explosion. A fight.There will be physical or emotional abuse and it will be terrifying. At first youll make excuses I shouldnt have said that/ did that/ gone out/ had an opinion/ said no.
>> Then, the honeymoon.The abuser can be wonderfully kind and loving when they need to be, but only when they need to be. Youll be so desperate for things to get better that youll believe the apologies, the tenderness, the declarations of love, the promises.
>> The tension will start to rise again. Over time, the cycle will get shorter and it will happen more often. The tension will rise quicker, the explosions will be bigger, the honeymoons will be shorter.
If this is familiar, youre in a cycle of abuse. Its not love. Its not stress. Its not your fault. Its abuse. The honeymoon will be one of the things that keeps you there. The love will feel real and youll crave it, of course you will thats completely understandable but listen to this: Loveafterabuse isnt love, its manipulation. If the love was real, there would be mountains moved to make sure you were never hurt or scared again.
The Jealous One.
Your partner is important andso are other people in your life. If you act in a trustworthy way, you deserve to be trusted. We all get insecure now and then and sometimes we could all do with a little more loving and reassurance, but when the questions, accusations and demands are consistent and without reason, it will only be a matter of time before your phone is checked, your movements are questioned, and your friends are closed out. Misplaced jealousy isnt love, its a lack of trustin you.
The Worse-Off One.
These peoplewill always have problems that are bigger than yours. Youre sick, theyre sicker; youre exhausted from working late every night this week, theyre shattered from the gym; youve just lost your job, theyre devastated because its really hard when you know someone whos lost their job. Youll always be the supporter, never the supported. Theres only so long that you can keep drawing on your emotional well if theres nothing coming back.
The Sideways Glancer.
Ok. So the human form is beautiful and theres nothing wrong with admiring it, but when its done constantly in your company in your face its tiring, and it feels bad. You deserve to be first and you deserve to feel noticed. That doesnt mean you have to be first all the time, but certainly you shouldnt have to fight strangers for your share of attention. Some things will never be adorable.
The Cheater.
Infidelity doesnt have to mean the end of a relationship that depends on the circumstances and the people involved and its not for anyone else to judge whether or not you shouldstay. Its a deeply personal decision and one you can make in strength either way, but when infidelity happens more than once, or when it happens without remorse or commitment to the future of the relationship, it will cause breakage. When peopleshow you over and over that they arentcapable of loving you the way you want to be loved, believe them. Move them out of the damn way so that better things can find you.
The Liar.
Lets be realistic little white lies happen. In fact,researchhas found that when lying is done for the right reasons (such as to protect someones feelings) it can actually strengthen a relationship.So thats the orange cocktail dress youve spent a months pay on? Wow you werent kidding when you said it was bright. Oh, it has pandas on it. And theyre smiling. And the shop doesnt take returns. And you love it. Well keep smiling gorgeous. You look amazing!. However, when lies are told with malicious intent and for personal gain, it will always weaken relationships. Relationships are meant to be fun, but none of us are meant to be played.
The One Who Laughs at Your Dreams.
Whether its being a merchant banker, a belly dancer, or the inventor of tiny slippers for cats, the people who deserve youare those who support your dreams, not those wholaugh at them. The people who tell you that you wontsucceed are usually the ones who are scared that you will. If theyre not cheering you on, theyre holding you back. If theyre not directly impacted by your dreams, (which, for example,your partnermight be if your dream is to sell everything you both own, move to Rome, and sell fake sunglasses to the tourists) then you would have to questionwhat theyre getting out of dampening you.
Being human iscomplicated.Being open to the world is a great thing to be its wonderful but when youre open to the world youre also open to the poison that spills from it. One of the things that makes a difference is the people you hold close. Whether its one, two or squadron-sized bunch, let the people around you be ones who are worthy of you. Its one of the greatest acts of self-love.Good people arewhat greatlives are made of.
The Controller.
Nobody shouldhave to ask for permission or be heavily directed on what towear, how tolook, who tospend time with or how tospend their money. Theres nothing wrong with being open to the influence of the people around you, but the way you do you is for you to decide. Your mind is strong and beautiful and shouldnt becaged. Healthy relationships support independent thought. They dont crush it.
The Taker.
All relationships are about give and take but if youre with a taker, youll be doing all the giving and theyll be doing all the taking. Think about what you get from the relationship. If its nothing, it might be time to question why youre there. We all have a limited amount of resources (emotional energy, time) to share between our relationships. Every time you say yes to someone who doesnt deserve you, youre saying no to someone who does.Give your energy to the people who deserve it and when youre drawing up the list of deserving ones, make sure your own name is at the top.
The Absent.
These versions of toxic people wont return texts or phone calls and will only be available when it suits them, usually when they want something. You might find yourself wondering whether they got your message, whether theyre okay, or whether youve done something to upset them. Norelationship should involvethis much guess-work.
The Manipulator.
Manipulators will steal your joy as though you made it especially for them. Theyll tell half-truths or straight out lies and when they have enough people squabbling, theyll be the saviour. Dont worry. Im here for you. Ugh. Theyll listen, theyll comfort, and theyll tell you want you need to hear. And then theyll ruin you.Theyll change the facts of a situation, take things out of context and use your words against you. Theyll calmly poke you until you crack, then theyll poke you for cracking. Theyll accidentally spill secrets or theyll hint that there are secrets there to spill, whether there are or not. Theres just no reasoning with a manipulator, so forget trying to explain yourself. The argument will run in circles and there will be no resolution. Its a black hole. Dont get sucked in.
You: I feel like youre not listening to me.Them: Are you calling me a bad listenerYou: No, Im just saying that youve taken what I said the wrong way.Them: Oh. So now youre saying Im stupid. I cant believe youre doing this to me. Everyone told me to be careful of you.
Theyll only hear things through their negative filter, so the more you talk, the more theyll twist what youre saying. They want power, not a relationship. Theyll use your weaknesses against you and theyll use your strengths your kindness, your openness, your need for stability in the relationship. If theyre showing tenderness, be careful theres something you have that they want. Show them the door, and lock it when they leave.
The Bullshitter.
Theytalk themselves up, they talk others down and they always have a reason for not doing what they say. Theyll lie outright or theyllgive you versions of the truth not a lie, not the truth, just that feeling in your gut that something is off. You cant believe a word they say. Theres no honesty, which means theres no intimacy. At worst bullshitters are heartbreakers. At best theyre raving bores.
The Attention Seeker.
Its nice to be needed. Its also nice to eat peanut butter, but it doesnt mean you want it all the time. The attention seeker always has a crisis going on and they always need your support. Be ready for the aggression, passive aggression, angst or a guilt trip if you dont respond.Oh. Youre going to dinner with friends? Its just that Ive had the worst day and I really needed you tonight. Oh well, I suppose I cant always expect you to be there for me. If its that important to you then you should go. I just want you to be happy. Ill just stay in by myself and watch tv or something (sigh). You go and have fun with your friends. I suppose Ill be okay.See how that works? When theres always a crisis, its only a matter of time before youre at the centre of one.
The One Who Wants to Change You.
Its one thing to let you know that the adorable snort thing you do when you laughisnt so adorable, but when youre constantly reminded that you arent smartenough, good-lookingenough, skinny enough, strong enough, you have to start thinking that the only thing that isnt good enough about you is this loser who keeps pointing these things out. Youll never be good enough for these people because its not about you, its about control and insecurity theirs, not yours. As long as theyre working on changingyou, they dont have to worry about themselves, and as long as they can keep you small, theyll have a shot at shiningbrighter.
These people will make you doubt yourself by slowly convincing you that they know best, and that theyre doing it all for you.Youd just be so much prettierif you lost a few pounds, you know? Im just being honest.Ugh.Unless youre having to be craned through your window, or youre seriously unhealthy, its nobody elses business how luscious your curves are. If you feel heavy, start by losing the 160 pounds of idiot beside you and you wont believe how much lighter youll feel. These ones arent looking out for you, theyre trying to manage you. The people who deserve you will love you because of who you are, not despite it.
The One You Want to Change.
People arent channels, hairstyles or undies. You cant change them. Someone who snarls at the waiter will always be the kind of person who snarls at the waiter whether theyre snarling or not. People can change, but only when theyre ready and usually only when theyve felt enough pain. Its normal to fight for the things that are important, but its important to know when to stop.When a relationship hurts to be in, the only thing that will change will beyou a sadder, more unhappier version of the person you started out as. Before it gets to this, set a time limit in which you want to see change. Take photos of yourself every day youll see it in your eyes if something isnt right, or check in at the end of each week and write down how you feel. Have something concrete to look back on. Its easier to let go if its clear over time that nothing has changed. Its even easier if you can see that the only thing different is that the lights have gone out in you.
The Abuser.
The signs might be subtle at first but theyll be there.Soon, there will be a clear cycle of abuse, but you may or may not recognise it for what it is but this is how it will look:
>> There will be rising tension. Youll feel it. Youll tread carefully and youll be scared of saying or doing the wrong thing.
>> Eventually, there will be an explosion. A fight.There will be physical or emotional abuse and it will be terrifying. At first youll make excuses I shouldnt have said that/ did that/ gone out/ had an opinion/ said no.
>> Then, the honeymoon.The abuser can be wonderfully kind and loving when they need to be, but only when they need to be. Youll be so desperate for things to get better that youll believe the apologies, the tenderness, the declarations of love, the promises.
>> The tension will start to rise again. Over time, the cycle will get shorter and it will happen more often. The tension will rise quicker, the explosions will be bigger, the honeymoons will be shorter.
If this is familiar, youre in a cycle of abuse. Its not love. Its not stress. Its not your fault. Its abuse. The honeymoon will be one of the things that keeps you there. The love will feel real and youll crave it, of course you will thats completely understandable but listen to this: Loveafterabuse isnt love, its manipulation. If the love was real, there would be mountains moved to make sure you were never hurt or scared again.
The Jealous One.
Your partner is important andso are other people in your life. If you act in a trustworthy way, you deserve to be trusted. We all get insecure now and then and sometimes we could all do with a little more loving and reassurance, but when the questions, accusations and demands are consistent and without reason, it will only be a matter of time before your phone is checked, your movements are questioned, and your friends are closed out. Misplaced jealousy isnt love, its a lack of trustin you.
The Worse-Off One.
These peoplewill always have problems that are bigger than yours. Youre sick, theyre sicker; youre exhausted from working late every night this week, theyre shattered from the gym; youve just lost your job, theyre devastated because its really hard when you know someone whos lost their job. Youll always be the supporter, never the supported. Theres only so long that you can keep drawing on your emotional well if theres nothing coming back.
The Sideways Glancer.
Ok. So the human form is beautiful and theres nothing wrong with admiring it, but when its done constantly in your company in your face its tiring, and it feels bad. You deserve to be first and you deserve to feel noticed. That doesnt mean you have to be first all the time, but certainly you shouldnt have to fight strangers for your share of attention. Some things will never be adorable.
The Cheater.
Infidelity doesnt have to mean the end of a relationship that depends on the circumstances and the people involved and its not for anyone else to judge whether or not you shouldstay. Its a deeply personal decision and one you can make in strength either way, but when infidelity happens more than once, or when it happens without remorse or commitment to the future of the relationship, it will cause breakage. When peopleshow you over and over that they arentcapable of loving you the way you want to be loved, believe them. Move them out of the damn way so that better things can find you.
The Liar.
Lets be realistic little white lies happen. In fact,researchhas found that when lying is done for the right reasons (such as to protect someones feelings) it can actually strengthen a relationship.So thats the orange cocktail dress youve spent a months pay on? Wow you werent kidding when you said it was bright. Oh, it has pandas on it. And theyre smiling. And the shop doesnt take returns. And you love it. Well keep smiling gorgeous. You look amazing!. However, when lies are told with malicious intent and for personal gain, it will always weaken relationships. Relationships are meant to be fun, but none of us are meant to be played.
The One Who Laughs at Your Dreams.
Whether its being a merchant banker, a belly dancer, or the inventor of tiny slippers for cats, the people who deserve youare those who support your dreams, not those wholaugh at them. The people who tell you that you wontsucceed are usually the ones who are scared that you will. If theyre not cheering you on, theyre holding you back. If theyre not directly impacted by your dreams, (which, for example,your partnermight be if your dream is to sell everything you both own, move to Rome, and sell fake sunglasses to the tourists) then you would have to questionwhat theyre getting out of dampening you.
Being human iscomplicated.Being open to the world is a great thing to be its wonderful but when youre open to the world youre also open to the poison that spills from it. One of the things that makes a difference is the people you hold close. Whether its one, two or squadron-sized bunch, let the people around you be ones who are worthy of you. Its one of the greatest acts of self-love.Good people arewhat greatlives are made of.
Replies
dealing with one of these right now:
The Bullshitter.
They talk themselves up, they talk others down and they always have a reason for not doing what they say. Theyll lie outright or theyll give you versions of the truth not a lie, not the truth, just that feeling in your gut that something is off. You cant believe or trust a word they say.
Theres no honesty. At best theyre raving bores.
think of the 13 worst people you have ever known in your life. take the word \"relationship\" out because hopefully you were wise enough to avoid these evil people once you figured out what they are - the only way you wouldn\'t figure them out is if they were also poisoning/drugging you. match the 13 worst people you have ever known up to the 13 types of toxic people. hideous, but its easier in print.
I have dealt and still have to deal with all kinds of these people. I try to keep my distance as much as possible. Great entry.
Ha! I don\'t fall under this group at all. Seem\'s like there is definately something going on that is bothering you.
I have experienced more than one of these. But I have decided to remove myself from of all toxic people. Life is just too short and I want a good relationship or friendship, not one that makes my life miserable, but people who add joy to my life and I add joy to theirs.
Hugs. :)
i think the biggest trick is safety first. you discover you have someone toxic around, run for it. wasted time is more dangerous and expensive than wasted money, just RUN. the truth is, if it were legal to kill these people, most of them wouldn\'t be alive
sandy, i do exactly the same as you. i avoid them as much as i possibly can. its the new toxics that show up, that are unavoidable and then its like, great. here we go. lol.
sadie, me too. anyone who works goes through some of this, though some people choose jobs that aren\'t near people, like park ranger, as a way to avoid, though there will still be neighbors and co-workers and any other whacko that finds their way in.
Couldn\'t agree with Sandra more.
what about the \"false accuser\" i was just reading up on harassment and suing for medical damages for things like that. until i had high blood pressure i didn\'t realize how physically damaging false accusers are. and they won\'t stop until they are damaged themselves by falsely accusing, if ever.