Which Came First The Chicken Or The Egg We Still Dont Know

The first thing I did was show her something really funny my grandson did – the funniest thing I’ve even seen.  She said we can always use a little humor and looked at it.  I asked her what she thought it was.  At first she didn’t say the ‘shit’ word.  She saw the ‘sh’ and tried to figure out what the other half was.  She thought maybe someone fishing with a fishing pole and hook.  I told her what the ‘sh’ was supposed to be and he didn’t write the whole word.  Then he was probably told to draw what he does to get ready.  It’s him getting dressed holding on to a shirt on a hanger.  She asked what that thing was coming down.  I didn’t know – part of the hanger?  I asked her what word it looked like.  She did say, “shit.”  I did show her the word he wrote on the back.  Then I pointed out to her that it looked like someone peeing into something.  Yes, she saw it now.  I told her the funny thing is he has no clue what it really looks like.  She said to save it and show it to him when he’s a teenager and thanked me for sharing it with her.   Then I got the piece of paper with a paragraph written on it.  I told her that in my journal I write, that no one reads, sometimes I write something good about her and I wanted to share it with her.  (It’s the last paragraph of my last entry.)  I handed it to her and she read it – a tiny bit out loud and then to herself.  I’m not sure if she actually finished it all but thanked me for it.  She said that maybe people are reading it and they just don’t want to or are afraid to comment.  Maybe, and like that one crazy comment I got once.  She remembered.  I started to say I don’t know why I write it but then corrected myself and said that I do but didn’t say why.  She said I need to write it for me.    Then I picked up my list.  I said I’m not sure how much we’ll get through because I want to go outside and walk when I need to go to the bathroom.  The rest we’ll get to later.  I told her I want to do it for 2 reasons.  I want to practice not escalating so I can work through it and wait longer.  Also I want to see which comes first – the chicken or the egg.  Do I need to go badly and then escalate it or do I have to go badly because I’m escalating it?  But we need to talk about it first, before we do it, and we’ll go on and see how far we get with this other stuff.    So I told her about calling the copyright office and what they said.  I’m torn whether to do this or not.  She said I could submit one while I’m thinking about it.  And my conflict with my guy friend on Sunday.  He thinks I should offer it free and just charge for shipping & handling.  I can’t do that.  She nodded.  Then I went on to say that I’m too honest to do that.  And what I do that’s looked down upon and I’d get really bad feedback about that.  He kind of does that with what he does with his puzzle sheets and I think that’s why he reacted that way.  I hope it doesn’t cause any problems between us.  She knows how I hate conflicts.  She agreed that people don’t value it as much if it’s for free.    Then I told her the girl I went to school with who wrote a book, I found her on Facebook.  Luckily she was open to everyone (it’s better like that because then people can find you) and I read about her.  Her profile picture is her book and she has pictures of herself traveling to schools in another city to promote it.  I said how before I’d submit anything I’d need another set of eyes like when my best friend had me, and I’m sure with her she had someone with her, that you need another set of ears when going to the doctor.  She agreed.  I asked her if she could do that for me.  She said no because she’d be afraid she’d miss something.  I said it would be just to be sure I crossed my t’s and dotted my i’s.  She tried to think of someone she knew who could do this and only suggested this girl I went to school with – paying her a fee.  I then replied with, “Then she’ll know about it.  I went to school with her.”  Nothing else said.    I told her about my grandson and what he says his dad tells him that he shares a couple weeks after he gets back.  How he doesn’t have to listen to his Mom’s boyfriend and what ever happens with his dad he’s not supposed to tell anyone.  That’s so confusing to him.  Then I said how Sunday when I picked him up my daughter’s boyfriend said to enter at my own risk and all the bad things like hitting, scratching and stuff he’s done.  I talked to him, got his dog involved and got him up and moving.  Even telling him I made his name in poster board (like I did for my therapist) and he was excited.  He saw me making it and my granddaughters.  He had to hang them on the door, together (after I did cut them apart), at my house right away.    Anyway I got him to brush his teeth, apologize and such.  She said I’m so good with those grandkids.  I know how to handle them, deal with them.  I know when to and when to step back.  But there are certain things I can do as a Grandmother but other things are not in my control.  Like with his dad (didn’t brush his teeth, didn’t get a bath I told her as well) and my daughter’s boyfriend.  But maybe with my daughter.  I said I’m hoping they’ll see how to act and my daughter is so much better now.  She was really, really bad as a child growing up and she’s not like that anymore and is such a good Mom.  But she is following more what I do now and she said that’s great.    Then I said we better talk about what we are going to do because I know I’ll have to go to the bathroom soon.  I told her when we do these things I’m about a 5 out of a scale of 1 to 10.  It’s when I escalate it to a 20 that I want to get it back down.  And how helpful it is if she just keeps talking.  I don’t care about what because I won’t remember much anyway.  Just so I have something to listen to.  I told her she can ask me questions and I can talk but I don’t know for how much.  Then I said, “Well, you know how I am when I do these.”  She nodded.    She asked me how long I want to stay out there.  I wasn’t sure.  I just want to be able to work through that escalation.  She said we want a success.  Yes.  She asked me which bathroom do I then want to use.  I thought probably the one downstairs because it’s closer.  I did say that we haven’t done this in a while and I’m probably more of a 7 and not a 5 right now.  So towards the end of this conversation I needed to go and told her.  She asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom now and do this later in the session.  No – I want to do it now.  We stood up and I, yes I did, remembered my clothes.  She got them from the drawer while I put my coat on.  She was about to give me the bag when we were walking out and I asked her to hold it because I don’t want to even think I might need it.    We walked out.  She got her black ¾ length or shorter what looked to be a dressier lighter weight coat from the closet.  We walked out.  We got towards the top of the stairs and she asked me to hold the bag for a minute.  She told me to pretend like it’s my purse I’m holding.  Maybe for practice.  She put her coat on and after I gave her the bag back.  We passed a lady walking up the stairs when we were walking down.  They exchanged hi’s.  After I asked her who that was.  Another therapist at the end of the hall who deals with addictions and groups.  We walked outside.    Right away I started off by telling her about yesterday.  Yes, she wanted to know what we did on my husband’s day off – how the day went.  I told her we went to the cool restaurant but first to the town that long ago a guy once predicted a big earthquake and there were news people there waiting for it to happen and it didn’t.  She didn’t remember about it.  So I talked about it and told her and I think I did really well.  We walked around the circle out back one whole round.    At the beginning of the second one I guess I ‘had that look’ or something.  Maybe hard to talk anymore.  I’m not sure.  She sensed it, looked at me and said, “Let’s go back.”  “No, not yet,” I told her.  I then went on to say that I’m thinking about how long we’ve been out there.  She asked me what I needed to do at this point.  I really wanted to try longer but I really got that escalation panicking feeling and told her, “I’m too scared.  Let’s go back.”  I started going to the bathroom at that point.  I think she knew because she handed me my bag.  When we were walking back I think she told me, “It’s OK.  We haven’t done this in a while.”  I remember once saying, “Oh, my God.”  I’m not sure which came first.    When we walked back I lagged a little behind as usual.  I can’t figure out if I just begin to walk slower because I’m peeing or if she just speeds up to not walk with me to give me my privacy or something.  Maybe to get in first to see what’s happening inside.  I’m just not sure but it does feel weird – not in a good way.  I’m guessing she opened the door for us, she must have went in first and then went downstairs ahead to make sure that office door was not open.  The coast was clear – it was closed she told me.  So I went into the bathroom to change and she said she’d wait for me out there (the little lobby/vending area).  She doesn’t look to my knowledge.  I’m able to scoot right past her to walk down the hall to the bathroom.  After I changed I came back out.    When I came out she was just standing by the stairs, waiting, holding her coat that she had taken off.  We just smiled at one another and went right on talking as we walked back up the stairs.  I’m not sure who initiated it.  Maybe she did.  We talked about the restaurant we went to and how they throw rolls and do a count.  But how many rolls do they throw that don’t get caught, I wondered?  It’s a lot of fun and she said she needs to go sometime.  The rolls are so good with butter and honey on them.  White rolls?  Yes.  We went back into the office, we were still talking, she hung up her coat and we went back into the office still talking.  I’m thinking that that’s the key.  Just to keep talking and keep my mind off of what just happened.  I think it’s a cycle.  When she’s silent, then I’m silent and when I’m silent she’s silent.  That’s not good.  That makes me feel worse about it.  I told her that now that we’re on that subject I have to tell her something funny that happened that’s one of those “only happens to me” type things.  I told her when we went on our trip yesterday I took 2 extra pants with me.  I was prepared.  But I had no incidences at all!  She though that was great.  I told her I made it to the bathroom every time – didn’t even leak or anything.  One was really close though.  But coming home this happened.  I told her how I hadn’t drinken in a long, long time.  It was a 2 hour ride back home.  I asked my husband if he thought I could make it all the way home without having to go to the bathroom.  He didn’t think so.  I tried but he was right, I did have to go.  He pulled off right away but it was this old yucky gas station.  We did need gas so he did that and I went inside.  There was one bathroom door.  Thank goodness no one was in there and I went in.    The first thing I saw was poop in the toilet.  Yuck.  I didn’t want to go in there.  What do I do?  Almost in another room was a sink.  I thought I could go in there but it was filthy dirty.  And, although I’m agile, I’d have to stand on it and it was a tiny area and I didn’t think I could do that.  Again, what do I do?  I saw a drain on the floor.  So that’s what I did.  When I squatted down I heard a bell.  I didn’t know what it was.  I finished, washed my hands, flushed the toilet real fast so no one would think it was me (maybe the bell was someone out there trying to get in) and went out as fast as I could.  It was one of those things that I don’t like doing but I had to do what I had to do.  She nodded saying I had to go someway in that little bathroom.   After this she asked me how I felt about what we just did.  I told her OK but I didn’t like what happened.  We didn’t figure out which came first.  But that’s OK.  We’ll try another time.  She agreed.  She said that this is the first time in a long time that I didn’t come back all ‘frozen’ about it.  I’m acting like my normal self.  That’s terrific!  Yes!  She asked me if we can do something since before, because of that, we couldn’t.  I said sure.  She pulled out the light bar with the headphones.  I’ve done the light bar but told her I don’t think I’ve ever used the headphones.  The headphones make sort of like buzzing noises as the light moves back and forth.  She asked me at what point I felt that escalation.  I told her when I thought about how long we were out there.  What did I think?   I said that I knew that soon I wouldn’t be able to do this much longer.  But I did good in talking I told her.  Yes.  She asked that maybe just going out there to do this triggered it to come on sooner.  Maybe yes.  I also said that I think we only went around one time – meaning not that much.  She said it was but it was a big circle.  She asked me what image I see when I think about it.  When I started going to the bathroom.  She said that feeling of not being in control.  Yes.  What on a scale of 1-10.  “A twenty,” I said and chuckled.  I said that I feel that I’m a bad person and disappointed.  Then she asked me what I would like to feel.  I told her that it’s OK what happened. So she started the light bar and told me the first time to think of the image and the thought I’m a bad person and the second time to think that it’s OK.  She wrote things down as I watched.  After she asked how I felt.  I told her a little more relieved or maybe I said relaxed.  She told me we’ll do it again and to act to myself like I know how to and do with my grandkids.  When I did this, after a while, I stopped and smiled.  “What?” she wanted to know.  I told her that when I’m doing this I can think of the good things but in there goes the, “It shouldn’t have happened.”  She asked me who’s voice that is.  My own.  Yes, and she wanted me to try to do it with the nurturing.  I tried.  Again she wrote.  Again, after a bit, I started smiling and chuckling again.  “What’s happening with you?” she asked.  I told her I feel sad because I don’t have anyone like that but I know what she is going to say – for me to be that person for myself.  She laughed and commented I already have that worked out.  Later we talked and she said as adults we really don’t because people aren’t always there for us.  But I said yes people have others that are there for them like they are for them.  She didn’t say much.  It’s really true and I didn’t say but she’s the only one I have for that and she doesn’t really count – she’s my therapist, not my friend.  She’s there for me but because of the relationship I’m not there for her.  That’s why it’s not the same.    So after the last time we did the light bar and me just smiling and laughing, she commented, “You rascal” and turned it off.  I didn’t say but I think she knows I’m just not sure of that thing.  It’s just weird.  I try but I can’t do it for very long without smiling and cracking up a bit.    She said we were done so I looked on my little paper and decided to talk about my son, our dinner on Sunday and then I wanted to talk about what we did last week.  I told her my son did make it to the northern part and we had a real nice conversation.  I’m interested in what he does but he didn’t want to say much but maybe because his friend was there.  He is going again in a week or so.  I told her that I said something, that because it probably won’t happen, it made it easier to say.  I do that.  I told my son that I’ll go with him next time.  He wondered if I’d really fly in and do that and I think she thought it was in a positive way but it was more negative.    She asked me why I do that.  Because I know it probably won’t happen so it’s safe.  I say that as a cover that there is no problem.  No one would know that there is one.  Also that yes, it would be nice if I could.  She thought that last one, too.  I told her, “Can you imagine how much work we’d have to do if I did that?”  She smiled, laughed and nodded yes.  Then she said to look forward to planning a trip to the northern part after he moves.    Then I talked about dinner Sunday night at our house and my son’s girlfriend wasn’t there but everyone else was.  It’s so hard for me, my name, to sit after dinner and not get up and start clearing and such.  But I told myself I had to and see what happens.  I didn’t have to go to the bathroom this time so that was good.  The kids ask to be excused and I said yes.  They went to go play in the bedroom.  It wasn’t long and I hear, “Nana!  Nana!” repeatedly.  I tried to ignore it but soon I went in.  After I did my son did get up and he took his plate into the kitchen but nothing else.    I came back and they were talking about how they can stay later because it wasn’t a school night for Papa to help with the Pinewood Derby car.  So I think my daughter wanted to get started with that and she got up, took her plate into the kitchen but nothing else – not the kids or anything else.  So I did like I always do and my husband finished.  He even said it would be nice to have the kids help with the dishes – in front of them.  But he’s so laid back he didn’t enforce it.  She said it would be nice for him to single out my daughter and say it’s her turn to help.  She said as a Mom she should be doing that.  I pointed out at my house she’s a daughter – not a Mom – so it’s a different role.  Yeah.    Lastly I wanted to talk about what we did last week.  I started out by asking her how she thought I did.  She said OK but when we were in the bathroom I couldn’t look.  No, but I did glance I told her.  I wish I could have done more.  She said that she notices on either of these exposures I’m more my normal self after than what I would sometimes be like in the past.  I said it’s harder when we do these close together and I have so many of them (I was referring to accidents and I think she knew).  But I want to not feel like that even when that does happen, too.    I did tell her what I did after my massage.  I said that what we did to try to get the image out of my mind (it did carry on to the next day) was great.  The image of the animals eating it or birds carrying it away.  But what I did after was instead of going out the front door I went out the back door and around to the side and looked at it again.  It was gross but I didn’t freak about it.  She thought that was great.    In comparing the 2 exposures I think I act differently.  I’m more able to talk with the throw up ones.  I do want to do more of these.  I saved 2 bagfuls from my husband’s concoction dinner the other night.   She said so I’m prepared again if I want to do it next time or whenever.  Yes.  I’m not sure if we can do this, inside or outside, but I’d also like to spill some on the floor, take some paper towels and have to clean it up.  It seems like all the exposures, this or the other kind, are fine with her as long as I’m ready to do them.  Thank goodness she’s OK with them.  When she’s OK I’m more likely to be OK.  That’s very helpful.  I did say that it’s different (especially if I have an accident) with her than if I was with someone else.  She asked me to rate it and I said with her it’s still about an eight.   So in ending I asked her when Jan 31, a Sunday, is.  That’s when I do the Laughter Yoga and I want to do some things before.  I’m not sure what yet.  She said it’s a week from this weekend so we have 3 more times before it.  I said that maybe we’ll do one of each.  I’ll have to figure that out.  So we ended and she said to have a nice couple of days.  Her, too.   As I was walking out again she thanked me for sharing that picture my grandson drew.  I said the funniest part is he has no idea.    I left, decided to go to the bathroom before I went into the other massage therapist, did, went into her and then my therapist was out in the hallway putting something away in the hallway closet.  We smiled and then I closed the door.  I needed to go again at the very end of the session but didn’t say anything to her and just tried to wait on my own.  Don’t know if she knew I went again or not but she doesn’t have to know everything!   And I can wait on my own and not let anyone know sometimes!   Everyone doesn’t have to know my business.  More hiding or just my privacy.  I don’t know – maybe both.