WHERE WE START IS WHERE WE END
I have been thinking about how we deal with what we are going through no matter what it is. Right now I am dealing with the death of my wonderful son Kenny and how he is missed but what I realized if I can put it in the words I want it to say.
In the beginning of a situation that we are going through, there are these steps we have to experience. Some call it the 12 step program, co-dependence whatever but
the thing I realized as we struggle to deal with what we are going through the very thing that we are fighting is the actually the finally thing we end up accepting. To me it is like a viscious circle.
If you have read or gone though or even just talked to someone they always say there are steps you have to deal with and they are not always in order and then we think we are finally feel we have gotten to the acceptance and we are right back where we began. Then the very steps we are working through are all the steps we have to get through to accept what has happened in able to go on. Now they call that acceptance, but I am not sure. I think what we are doing is we know what has happened we have to accept it but our minds want to be in denial, anger, bargaining, all the steps they teach you or you hear, but the final truth is we are fighting all those steps cause we don't want to accept what has happened.
But that is how we cope with our sorrow, acceptance, but we have to go round and round to get there like a circle. So all the things I feel now, I have to get to the point that I am not fighting against those feelings. So to me the reality is we accept what has happened in the very beginning, but we can't so we go round and round and one day we just have to quit going round and round and we make the decision to accept what we already new at the very first.
i know my son died the night he died, but I don't want to accept it so I just keep fighting until I can't fight anymore and then I finally make a decision and it actually is no different than in the very beginning, My son is gone and there is nothing I can do about it.
I am no where close to that place yet and I will continue to go through the cycle of the circle and one day after so much grief, there will be a time when I have to make the acceptance that he is gone. For some of us in this group you are there and you are what helps us get through it now. For some of us we are just beginning the circle and hope someday we will make it to where the ones that help us has made it. That is what is so special about this group. We are here for each other and help us deal with the things we just really don't want to. But without this group I don't know where I would be. So thanks to all of you that are far ahead of me and thank you all who are right where I am. But through each other's strength we will finally finish the circle and accept what we are fighting to not accept.
To all my friends, I say thank you for caring about me and my pain.
Sandi
In the beginning of a situation that we are going through, there are these steps we have to experience. Some call it the 12 step program, co-dependence whatever but
the thing I realized as we struggle to deal with what we are going through the very thing that we are fighting is the actually the finally thing we end up accepting. To me it is like a viscious circle.
If you have read or gone though or even just talked to someone they always say there are steps you have to deal with and they are not always in order and then we think we are finally feel we have gotten to the acceptance and we are right back where we began. Then the very steps we are working through are all the steps we have to get through to accept what has happened in able to go on. Now they call that acceptance, but I am not sure. I think what we are doing is we know what has happened we have to accept it but our minds want to be in denial, anger, bargaining, all the steps they teach you or you hear, but the final truth is we are fighting all those steps cause we don't want to accept what has happened.
But that is how we cope with our sorrow, acceptance, but we have to go round and round to get there like a circle. So all the things I feel now, I have to get to the point that I am not fighting against those feelings. So to me the reality is we accept what has happened in the very beginning, but we can't so we go round and round and one day we just have to quit going round and round and we make the decision to accept what we already new at the very first.
i know my son died the night he died, but I don't want to accept it so I just keep fighting until I can't fight anymore and then I finally make a decision and it actually is no different than in the very beginning, My son is gone and there is nothing I can do about it.
I am no where close to that place yet and I will continue to go through the cycle of the circle and one day after so much grief, there will be a time when I have to make the acceptance that he is gone. For some of us in this group you are there and you are what helps us get through it now. For some of us we are just beginning the circle and hope someday we will make it to where the ones that help us has made it. That is what is so special about this group. We are here for each other and help us deal with the things we just really don't want to. But without this group I don't know where I would be. So thanks to all of you that are far ahead of me and thank you all who are right where I am. But through each other's strength we will finally finish the circle and accept what we are fighting to not accept.
To all my friends, I say thank you for caring about me and my pain.
Sandi
Replies
Hi Sandi ~
I support you wholeheartedly and unconditionally. I don\'t think pills are the permanent answer to anything. What you say is so true ~ we just need to work our way through the indescribable pain and there are certain steps involved in this process that we need to face at some point, with or without pills.
I am a bit ahead of you in this journey ~ eight months in two days. July 27, 2009 the world as our family knew it ended, never to be retrieved. All four of us (myself, husband and Corrie\'s two sisters) are still very much cycling in and out, up and down. Smiles are easier; laughing is easier; being distracted is easier. But will it ever be the same? Nope. Will it get even easier so that we actually have good days? Yep ~ that\'s what we are promised.
Right now we are having a terrifically difficult time because it is one year since Rick, Allie and I saw Corrie and her birthday is coming up April 6th. Hillary last saw her in January 2009 at the presidential inauguration. I can\'t wait for April 6th to be over.
Please try to live in the moment and to remember how precious and loved you are and that we are right here to hold your hand and help you through the rough patches.
Take care, dear Sandi ~ Sending much love, prayers and tight hugs ~ Debbie
This is such a great journal entry. Thanks! The whole thing is such a process and there is a cycle to it. The problem is, that once we go through the process the outcome is not what we want. All the other times in my life that I went through some kind of growth process I came to the end and was happier than I had been before but, with this process you can\'t end up with what you want more than anything else...you can\'t have your child back. I know that in time and being patient with the cycle, we will be ok and we will be able to accept what we are fighting, but with acceptance comes such sorrow....maybe true sorrow is one of the parts of the circle that we have to get through. But, you are right about the strength and love we can find here. Thanks again for a wonderful journal entry. Peace and Love, Anne
There are steps, and we repeat the steps over and over until it is no longer needed by our spirit. There is a circle and we continue to travel round and round until it is no longer needed by our spirit. There are so many changes, so many things in our daily lives and thoughts and feelings that we strive to understand and get a handle on. As a dear friend told me recently, we try to make sense of insanity. No easy task. No achieveable task. What is achieveable is love. Only in love will you find peace. I fought, as any mother will, the reality of my child\'s crossing. It is just too much for a human mind, a mothers heart to absorb. But once I began to truly KNOW what \"crossing\" meant, in the purest form of love and peace, I began finding my own peace. And the truth is, my own peace was in the making even before my mind and heart was ready to accept. Truth is. And truth reveals itself. Truth is Kala is more real, more KALA now then ever before. Truth is, I, the I am at this moment in human form aches. But the I that I am at this moment in spirit, rejoices in the truth of KALA. It\'s a spiritual journey and a very hard one to reach this point. I\'ve fought to get here...I\'ve fought against and for getting here....but here I am. At peace with my Kala. At peace with her love. At peace with the knowledge that our journeys never end, and never stay the same. We continuosly learn and grow for all of eternity. I feel seperated from Kala only because I remain in human form. My spirit is at rest because my spirit knows the truth. My spirit knows my child. I pray I will occassionally stumble over my own words and inspire a broken mother to see a glimer of light. There is much light to see. There is much light to experience. There is much light to share with our children. We are all children of light. We are all children of love. Live in love. Live in light. Be at peace. Be inspired to seek peace. It is already a part of your spirit. Find it within yourself. Bless you dear friend as you find your inner peace, your inner strength, and your inner truth. My calendar has a message each month. This months message is THE JOURNEY MOST WORTH TAKING IS THE JOURNEY WITHIN. Sending you much love, Teri.
Sandi, such a beautiful entry my friend. I have appreciated reading too the responses to your journal. I had someone explain to me also that this journey we are taking is a spiral too. With it\'s twists, turns, ups and downs and is flexible. We are always changing and what I\'m aware of now is that I want to develop an ongoing relationship with Doug. I talk to him more now than when he was in his earthly body. I\'ve mentioned before that my dear late mom lost her son (my brother) almost fourteen years ago and I observed her seasons of grief. No two were alike and each with their learning, emotions, feelings, growth, chaos and opportunities too. I found myself walking alongside her as mothers who had both lost our sons. I know she stayed here longer than she wanted to because she needed to show me how to continue to live... I was able to thank her for that gift before her death. Always patting my hand and reassuring me that no mother can remain in this intense grief and sorrow for their lifetime and that acceptance and peace will come. More of the happier memories will begin to trickle in than the ones surrounding their deaths is how she explained it. I\'m hanging onto this and believe my little and empowered mother\'s words. It will and does become more manageable once again. Thank you for inspiring me to think about this today as it\'s been a cold, dreary day and I\'ve most certainly been \"circling\" the toilet bowl with my thoughts. Peace to us all and continued healing one moment at a time. Hugs to you, Joanie
Hugs to you my dear. I lost my only child July 22, 2006, in a freak hiking accident that never should have happened. Acceptance is very elusive. There are days when I believe I have accepted my loss and then there are things that bring back the pain...the memories....and I start the cycle all over again. I can say that the pain is not nearly as intense as it was. Is that acceptance? Maybe it is. I don\'t know. But it is how we cope. I do find joy and hope again in my life while still feeling the pain of the loss. I think of it like how I have to deal with my fibro and arthritis. sometimes I fight that so hard and then when I am exhausted, I lay down and just \"accept\" it...let it wash over me...let the pain fill my body until I finally feel better. But it will NEVER go away. But how we deal with it is what does change. Hold on tight to those of us who walk only a few steps ahead of you. We all understand. There are no wrong feelings...each of us has to deal with it in our own way. Just know we are always there for you...holding your hand dear. love, lana
Sandi...bless you friend. I know that it seems like you have been grieving so long...but your loss is so recent. I remember when Alex first died...I thought okay...in a few months I will be better...then six months, then a year...then two...it is such a long, hard journey. As a mom, it is almost impossible to get your head around losing a child. You run through everything over and over again. You continuously replay your child\'s life. How could they be gone? We just exist. But friend, gradually over time, if you allow it, you will see joy in your day...you will see that you can live WITH the loss and truly live. Peace and hugs to you this day...Karen
I guess if there are cycles in life there are cycles in this horrible journey in accepting the death of our child.This cycle is a hard one for me to bear right now. Mark moved home from California on my birthday April1 -2 years ago(the best birthday present ever). He then left for Europe on May14. These next 6 weeks are really hard for me.I feel myself spiralling down. Sandi
Sandi,
You have been doing a lot of thinking :-). There really is not pattern to this madness we are going through . My analogy is always a roller coaster for it has such high , highs and then we have the lo, lo\'s and then the ride starts again. I do not feel we have to put everything into a word of where we are for it changes by the second. I am over 3 years now that my son died and somedays it feels like it just happened. Yesterday when I was driving I saw a toy glider horse very similar to the one Richard had as a 3 year old and it struck the tear cord in my heart and I started crying and wishing for him to return. I still have ,almost daily , where I have brakdowns .
Hugs, Inga
Sometimes there are no words but just know I care and love you...