Where was the rage? And now... creating my healing.
Green smiley Monday. The hurricane just knocked out our power but Drew has a personal hot spot (ho ho) on his iPhone so I can be online! Neat, huh? And our generator is roaring away. We're lucky... I hope others are safe tonight too.
I have been living into the life, I guess. NOt as much talking about it. Just doing it. And at the same time, I miss the reflections that help to connect the inside of me with the life that I'm living... the whole outside of me. Recently the reflections have been getting brighter, and reflecting on each other! It seems like time to share.
Mentioned a book recently: The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry. Oh oh oh... such a story. It picked up steam as it went along and really took my breath away. I won't give away the Big Thing but wow, it really resonated for me. I'll just share this piece from the book... Harold's wife is talking with her neighbor about his wife who died of brain cancer. Here's how it goes:
==========================
He said, "Do you know what I most regret about losing her?" She shook her head.
"That I didn't fight it."
"But Elizabeth had a brain tumor, Rex. How could you have fought that?"
"When the doctors told us she was dying, I held her hand and gave up. We both did. I know it wouldn't have made any difference in the end, but I wish I had let her see how much I wanted to keep her. I should have raged, Maureen." He sat bent over his cup of tea, as if in prayer. He didn't look up. He repeated the words with a quiet intensity she had not seen in him before, so that his cup trembled on its saucer. His knuckles were pure bone. "I should have raged."
The conversation stayed with Maureen.
==============================
So..... after I read this, the conversation stayed with me too. I told a few people about it, and whenever I did, whenever I read or recounted the conversation, I would get this huge lump of rage in my own throat. I had to ask myself why I did NOT rage when Andy was diagnosed with brain cancer, or when his surgery left him with awful pain, or when the disabilities of his vision and language were apparent, or when the tumors progressed, or when he couldn't walk anymore, or when he couldn't breathe and slipped into the Greatest Mystery. Why did I not rage?
Here are the easy answers: I was being brave. Strong. The rock. Holding on for everyone else to be able to hold onto me. And the next layer of understanding: I was as I have been all my life somehow able to see the whole thing from a mile up. What difference would it make whether I was silent or howling with rage?
And then I read this, and when he said, "I wish I had let her see how much I wanted to keep her..." I felt all this pain and sorrow flood me, like waves over a rocky coast. Can I say for sure, and know for sure in my heart that Andy knew I wanted to keep him? Was I too f-ing calm and controlled? Other people give me answers that they think are comforting but this is the kind of question that no one else can answer.
In terms of the answer, I just have to live with it and know that Andy knew who I was. If I had raged about anything, I would have raged about losing him. Yes, I was calm. It was insane how calm I was. But I had made a promise to be there with him to the end, and it felt at the time like the right thing for me... (not saying that whatever anyone else did wasn't also the right thing), to be 100% available for him and not checking out from life's terrible duties.
==================================
Andy has been on my mind a lot. Just as in June, when we had Byron and Caitlin's beautiful DIY wedding here in Maine, now her family wanted to host a big celebration down in Dallas. So Drew and I flew down there for the weekend. It was truly lovely. I love her family. On Friday we went through the Dallas Arboretum together, (Drew and Sarah, my wasband Larry and his Rose, Byron and Caitlin, and C's mother and sister) and on Saturday explored downtown Dallas. Both nights had lovely big parties of family and friends. On Saturday we said goodbye to everyone, many many hugs and kisses, as we'd be leaving early Sunday to get home before Hurricane Sandy. On Sunday morning I woke up with a sad dream: that Andy had found me after all those goodbyes and said, "But wait Mum you didn't say goodbye to me!" Boom, instant lump in throat. Of course I hadn't said goodbye to him... he wasn't there. Yes, I know, he is with me always everywhere, but the truth is also that he was MISSING from the evening, a place he would have been, with bells on. So sad.
==================================
And we swirl through the many feelings. Cave woman, robot, what comes next? I forget. The Grief hits the Fan... balls of grief, out of control. I know that Creating your Healing is out there somewhere ... then the New Normal ("New normal doesn’t mean that grief is completely done and over. It just means you’ve incorporated it into the story of your life. I’ve heard it said, you live with the hole in your heart but it no longer is sucking energy and joy out of your life and therefore is no longer your focus. I’m starting to feel like I am there") and on good days I feel energy and inner light for that prospect. So here's the issue: I have been struggling with my job (I'm a landscape architect) for a number of years. I'm coming up on having done it for almost 40 years. Good grief! Grateful for the flexibility and convenience and decent pay, not to mention 1/2 mile commute -- like what kind of idiot would walk away from all of that?
Well, here's who: a person who has seen that Life Can Suddenly End. A person who wants to live whatever life there is left with more oomph, more purpose, more interaction. Less resentment, less disconnect. More engagement, more giving, more healing, more sincere joy. There is some creativity in my job, but mostly it's stress and pressure and compromise. But so convenient! We've heard of golden handcuffs? The job you cannot afford to leave? I wear the fleece-lined handcuffs. The job that's too comfortable and yet feels (on bad days) just suffocating. Isn't it WRONG to live wishing that the next 8 years would zoom by so I can retire? If I have 8+ years of good energy to give the world, shouldn't they be offered in not such a mailed-in way?
What can I give? (mmm, reminds me of the Hafiz lines:
"Dear one, how can I be more loving to you? How can I be more kind?")
I feel that I have compassion and healing to offer, but not enough time to go to medical school or social worker programs. And yes, I have heard from all my friends in those careers of the burn-out they feel too! So I'm thinking.... just preliminarily ... about becoming trained to BE a Personal Fitness Coach. A trainer. I'd like to work with seniors, and with people who need to start the process of turning around obesity. I know something about this... in fact a lot. I have always been very interested in medicine and sports and fitness. And disease, and addiction, and recovery. I have been obese, and made deep sustainable changes, and now have a mostly healthy life.
I have a been-there-got-the-T-shirt perspective that a young perky kid with six-pack abs cannot. I know how hard it is to make changes. To keep it up. I know how it all works, and how our metabolisms are rigged against some of us. How unfair it is. Oh yeah, I know about unfair, in general! WTF is less fair than losing your kid to cancer? Maybe I could be trained in helping people who have sustained these losses, too. I may take some pastoral ministry courses too... there's a great program here in Portland and lots of friends have done it. I don't see being a chaplain (like you Joanie, rock on!) but bringing those sensitivities into work for fitness and self-respect and hope for our bodies to be in service to our goals as people.
So just between you and me and the proverbial lamp-post, I am beginning to explore the possibilities for the training. I need to talk with LOTS of people and look into all the courses and programs that are available within range of us here. Hah it's funny -- when I first started looking I was like, "Shoot, these things take a while! Isn't there something faster?" And then I realized that I can BEGIN. And that the journey of a thousand miles begins with that step. That's it. When I read the thing I shared last week about the stages, it clicked with me because I am beginning to look ahead, and starting to find resolve that these years should be worth something.
Andy was and is an inspiration to me in living a life that is passionate and uncompromising. He will be with me as I find my way. No goodbyes.
I have been living into the life, I guess. NOt as much talking about it. Just doing it. And at the same time, I miss the reflections that help to connect the inside of me with the life that I'm living... the whole outside of me. Recently the reflections have been getting brighter, and reflecting on each other! It seems like time to share.
Mentioned a book recently: The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry. Oh oh oh... such a story. It picked up steam as it went along and really took my breath away. I won't give away the Big Thing but wow, it really resonated for me. I'll just share this piece from the book... Harold's wife is talking with her neighbor about his wife who died of brain cancer. Here's how it goes:
==========================
He said, "Do you know what I most regret about losing her?" She shook her head.
"That I didn't fight it."
"But Elizabeth had a brain tumor, Rex. How could you have fought that?"
"When the doctors told us she was dying, I held her hand and gave up. We both did. I know it wouldn't have made any difference in the end, but I wish I had let her see how much I wanted to keep her. I should have raged, Maureen." He sat bent over his cup of tea, as if in prayer. He didn't look up. He repeated the words with a quiet intensity she had not seen in him before, so that his cup trembled on its saucer. His knuckles were pure bone. "I should have raged."
The conversation stayed with Maureen.
==============================
So..... after I read this, the conversation stayed with me too. I told a few people about it, and whenever I did, whenever I read or recounted the conversation, I would get this huge lump of rage in my own throat. I had to ask myself why I did NOT rage when Andy was diagnosed with brain cancer, or when his surgery left him with awful pain, or when the disabilities of his vision and language were apparent, or when the tumors progressed, or when he couldn't walk anymore, or when he couldn't breathe and slipped into the Greatest Mystery. Why did I not rage?
Here are the easy answers: I was being brave. Strong. The rock. Holding on for everyone else to be able to hold onto me. And the next layer of understanding: I was as I have been all my life somehow able to see the whole thing from a mile up. What difference would it make whether I was silent or howling with rage?
And then I read this, and when he said, "I wish I had let her see how much I wanted to keep her..." I felt all this pain and sorrow flood me, like waves over a rocky coast. Can I say for sure, and know for sure in my heart that Andy knew I wanted to keep him? Was I too f-ing calm and controlled? Other people give me answers that they think are comforting but this is the kind of question that no one else can answer.
In terms of the answer, I just have to live with it and know that Andy knew who I was. If I had raged about anything, I would have raged about losing him. Yes, I was calm. It was insane how calm I was. But I had made a promise to be there with him to the end, and it felt at the time like the right thing for me... (not saying that whatever anyone else did wasn't also the right thing), to be 100% available for him and not checking out from life's terrible duties.
==================================
Andy has been on my mind a lot. Just as in June, when we had Byron and Caitlin's beautiful DIY wedding here in Maine, now her family wanted to host a big celebration down in Dallas. So Drew and I flew down there for the weekend. It was truly lovely. I love her family. On Friday we went through the Dallas Arboretum together, (Drew and Sarah, my wasband Larry and his Rose, Byron and Caitlin, and C's mother and sister) and on Saturday explored downtown Dallas. Both nights had lovely big parties of family and friends. On Saturday we said goodbye to everyone, many many hugs and kisses, as we'd be leaving early Sunday to get home before Hurricane Sandy. On Sunday morning I woke up with a sad dream: that Andy had found me after all those goodbyes and said, "But wait Mum you didn't say goodbye to me!" Boom, instant lump in throat. Of course I hadn't said goodbye to him... he wasn't there. Yes, I know, he is with me always everywhere, but the truth is also that he was MISSING from the evening, a place he would have been, with bells on. So sad.
==================================
And we swirl through the many feelings. Cave woman, robot, what comes next? I forget. The Grief hits the Fan... balls of grief, out of control. I know that Creating your Healing is out there somewhere ... then the New Normal ("New normal doesn’t mean that grief is completely done and over. It just means you’ve incorporated it into the story of your life. I’ve heard it said, you live with the hole in your heart but it no longer is sucking energy and joy out of your life and therefore is no longer your focus. I’m starting to feel like I am there") and on good days I feel energy and inner light for that prospect. So here's the issue: I have been struggling with my job (I'm a landscape architect) for a number of years. I'm coming up on having done it for almost 40 years. Good grief! Grateful for the flexibility and convenience and decent pay, not to mention 1/2 mile commute -- like what kind of idiot would walk away from all of that?
Well, here's who: a person who has seen that Life Can Suddenly End. A person who wants to live whatever life there is left with more oomph, more purpose, more interaction. Less resentment, less disconnect. More engagement, more giving, more healing, more sincere joy. There is some creativity in my job, but mostly it's stress and pressure and compromise. But so convenient! We've heard of golden handcuffs? The job you cannot afford to leave? I wear the fleece-lined handcuffs. The job that's too comfortable and yet feels (on bad days) just suffocating. Isn't it WRONG to live wishing that the next 8 years would zoom by so I can retire? If I have 8+ years of good energy to give the world, shouldn't they be offered in not such a mailed-in way?
What can I give? (mmm, reminds me of the Hafiz lines:
"Dear one, how can I be more loving to you? How can I be more kind?")
I feel that I have compassion and healing to offer, but not enough time to go to medical school or social worker programs. And yes, I have heard from all my friends in those careers of the burn-out they feel too! So I'm thinking.... just preliminarily ... about becoming trained to BE a Personal Fitness Coach. A trainer. I'd like to work with seniors, and with people who need to start the process of turning around obesity. I know something about this... in fact a lot. I have always been very interested in medicine and sports and fitness. And disease, and addiction, and recovery. I have been obese, and made deep sustainable changes, and now have a mostly healthy life.
I have a been-there-got-the-T-shirt perspective that a young perky kid with six-pack abs cannot. I know how hard it is to make changes. To keep it up. I know how it all works, and how our metabolisms are rigged against some of us. How unfair it is. Oh yeah, I know about unfair, in general! WTF is less fair than losing your kid to cancer? Maybe I could be trained in helping people who have sustained these losses, too. I may take some pastoral ministry courses too... there's a great program here in Portland and lots of friends have done it. I don't see being a chaplain (like you Joanie, rock on!) but bringing those sensitivities into work for fitness and self-respect and hope for our bodies to be in service to our goals as people.
So just between you and me and the proverbial lamp-post, I am beginning to explore the possibilities for the training. I need to talk with LOTS of people and look into all the courses and programs that are available within range of us here. Hah it's funny -- when I first started looking I was like, "Shoot, these things take a while! Isn't there something faster?" And then I realized that I can BEGIN. And that the journey of a thousand miles begins with that step. That's it. When I read the thing I shared last week about the stages, it clicked with me because I am beginning to look ahead, and starting to find resolve that these years should be worth something.
Andy was and is an inspiration to me in living a life that is passionate and uncompromising. He will be with me as I find my way. No goodbyes.
Replies
Through the storm, may you see the brightness of life. Be safe in your new found journey. Best of everything and enjoy as you look ahead. Peggy
You know that as a Mom you had to be the strong one. You had to be the rock that everyone looked to for strength. That is what we do. we manage the home and what is in it. I sometimes feel that because I had the strong front my Cory felt that he had to meet my standard. He was strong but when the time came to open up he needed to be strong. He never gave up until the last night he was in his home. I missed a heart to heart. You may not have screamed for Andy. I may not have screamed for Cory. Each of our boys knew that they were our world. They knew we loved them. We did not outwardlly rage but the boys knew we did all we could for them. We were there to the end as we were at the beginning and middle to love them. Do not regret what has passed. You are now on a new path. Peggy, Again
Sarah, this sounds awesome. When a mother loses her child, we usually do not find much joy in life thereafter, and not much to look forward to. Our life becomes just surviving another day and going through the motions. If you have thought this through, especially about the financial ramifications (being poor is no fun either), I say GO FOR IT. If I were younger and healthier I would consider doing the same thing. We will all be by your side cheering you along the way, as I know Andy will be also. Love, Katrina
\"Where was the rage?\" I too ask myself the same question as I \"accepted\" addiction as a disease that has repeatedly \"raped\" my beloved family over and over and over again. Now my prayers are for my grandchildren that they will have the tools and knowledge to face this vicious disease that knows no strangers. That perhaps this \"ism\" will not have to be theirs and that whatever \"isms\" they will face that they will know that they are never alone.
Those nudges that are moving you along on this path of a new beginning sound amazing. I cannot think of anyone better suited to do the work of being an advocate and companion to others. Sarah, you are a natural born teacher and your gift of words and knowing how to BE with others in this way already is several hundred steps into this thousand mile journey.
Check out all the possibilities as you are and you may be using your creative energies in birthing a new way of being with others. Perhaps what you want has not even been given a \"name\" yet and you will do the naming.
\"BBS\" Be Bold, Bodacious, and Succulent.\" Hold onto this MO as you move along and into this new calling (as that is what I believe this is for you) and ask for the openness to continue to receive and to be able to give.
I am SO excited for you and as you write about your dreams it gives it power and says, \"YES\" to the Universe without reservation. I cannot wait to hear of all the earthly angels who will appear on your path and the doors that will begin opening. Go with the flow dear Sarah as you are and trust...
My pastoral care path opened up for me when I was with my late brother and deacon, Andy, was with our family in the hospital where my brother was in a way that I thought perhaps I could BE one day. I had always imagined thirty years in teaching and loved my job yet the calling was always there. It was preparing me for what was to come because my chaplain community has saved me these past 4 plus years and my teacher friends were amazing yet none of them could have companioned me into the depths as my chaps have...
Continue to seek, to listen and most of all to allow your heart to sing its song and lead you. The wisdom that you seek is within you and I think YOU already know the answer... just sayn... :)
Much love and you ROCK on too dear Sarah. The world needs YOU in this new capacity. Trust me...
In gratitude always for your words, your thoughts and most of all your companionship and presence.
XO Joanie
Write a book. Find an agent: learn how to write a book proposal. This is brilliant and it\'s just the tip of the iceberg. Spend the rest of your life on tour talking about your book and helping people. That\'s my advice (published writer).
Wow, Sarah...This journal is like a window into healing. It is like I can see the progression of thought and emotion and living that is taking place inside of you and it is like a map for me. I certainly seems to be true that once we lose someone as precious as our child, our whole focus and perspective on life changes. Your quest for something more meaningful to you is inspirational. And, YES, just beginning the journey is all you really need to do because in the end, it is really the journey that is the most important, not the finish. Thanks for sharing your life with us. Thanks for sharing your wisdom and philosophies of life with us. Sending you tight hugs and lots of love for the beginning of your new journey, Anne
In looking back, from the first day of knowing Denise was gone all the way to today, I still wish many of the ways I acted, things I said and things I did, I would have had the knowledge that I have now to have done and acted so much differently. I shouldn\'t have cared what others thought, I should have just let my grief show and not be so brave. But in order for Denise\'s passing to be honored, I had to use my mind and good sense to make it right, to make it as the best I could, so at least in my mind I think I did it the best I could, under the circumstances. But I talk to her now and tell her many of the things that tug at my heart when I think back and sometimes even ask for forgiveness and to let her know how much I really did love her. I could write a book but I\'m gonna stop here. Hope this makes sense to others and not just myself. Hugs and peace to you my friend, BW
Thank you Sarah...I love to read about the POSITIVE changes that occur after time on the journey...So many wait until they retire to pursue a dream and then Pow! something happens to prevent that for which they\'ve waited and put on hold...
As far as the \"raging\"--my feeling is that it would upset the one dying to know \"that which he cannot prevent from happening\", is causing tremendous raging sorrow inside his mother...I feel that they \"know fully\" after physical death and are aware of how much loss and pain their physical absence has caused...They\'re gonna know that anyway...so then, why act out the rage and cause them distress at a time when they have enough of their own loss to deal with...I think it\'s \"easier\" to rage than to suppress that for a higher goal--reducing the load and burden already so heavy on a terminally ill beloved one. That\'s how I look at it anyway! Love, Donna
OH Sarah!! \"Where was the rage\".....indeed. So many thoughts are running through my mind right now. My question...my deepest guilt....is where was the rage when DH was abusing my child? How the hell did I remain calm?? Where was the rage when DH demanded $300,000 after Kala\'s accident?? Did Kala think she wasn\'t worth fighting for?? Did my lack of rage leave her feeling less loved?? And me, me who can rage about the little shitty things that happen in life.....where was my rage when disaster was all around me?? I was \"keeping the peace\"....not \"rocking the boat\"....DAMN!
\"Creating my healing\".... HUGE! I can so see your move into this new area of your life, for truly, it is who you are and what you already do. You \"exercise\" us into the best we can be by gently guiding, teaching, sharing, and inspiring us daily. No doubt you are called by Spirit to nurture and teach and help mold those lucky enough to be in your life. I count my blessings daily that I am one of them!
You have taught me so much! Have truly helped me to exercise my mind and my heart...and I am trying my hardest to exercise my body too (and that\'s a real biggie for me!)
All I can say is GO FOR IT!
I wept when I read this. I too have read the book The Unlikely Pilgrimage of harold Fry\'. I think I saw what was coming, but when I read the letter he wrote to the girl at the petrol station I was at work in the lunch room, and I had to run out and sit in my car - I wept and wept.
I haven\'t raged either. I have raged at Toby once or twice but can\'t stay mad for long. I haven\'t raged at the world. I hope he knew how much I wanted him to stay - but in the end I don\'t think it would have been enough.
I think your plan is amazing, and whereever it leades, just follow whatever path unfolds for you.
I have found myself feeling more and more depressed, and have had thoughts of ending my life, but I know I don\'t want this story to have a sad, tragic end,, and I know Toby would not want that either.
I just read your journal again, by accident, but oh it is such a heartfelt and honest journal and speaks directly to my heart. Thank you for writing your thoughts and sharing them here.
Dear Sarah,
It is so very true,.....all that you write.....and we can only answer our questions for ourselves as we sift and search through all the ambiguities and ambivalence and greynesses of real life. I deeply hope you find within yourself your answer to your question......
I believe you are and would be a fantastic coach to others...for so many of the struggles which life presents...just superlative......and you could use all your many and deep talents in this.
Whatever it is that heals, whatever it is that gives you life abundant...this is what I wish and pray for you....love,M
Wow, Sarah ~
This journal is so full and rich, it\'s hard to know where to begin. Maybe with my iPhone :). I love the \"reminder\" pad that comes on the phone and each time someone recommends a book I add it to my reminder pad to buy or download later. No slips of paper to lose and no just forgetting it until someone reminds me again! Your book has been added to my reminder list!
So where is the rage? I think you and the other wonderful, wise Moms have answered the question. From the perspective of a Mom who lost her daughter suddenly and violently in a preventable way (drunk driver) I have felt plenty of rage. Curiously, not towards the driver, who was repentant, scared and concerned about our family at the sentencing (he\'s still in prison with his young daughter being cared for by his sister). Our rage was directed towards the incomprehensibly cruel behavior and hostility the camp where Corrie was working exhibited towards our family from the very first phone call. But that\'s a whole long unpleasant story from which we are working our way towards forgiveness and healing.
But rage when you\'re caring for a dying loved one? No. I went through something somewhat comparable last year when Rick was nearing the edge from congestive heart failure. Neither one of us specifically acknowledged the deterioration or raged against it. We kept living our lives and participating in the ordinary daily activities both before and after he was hospitalized and pulled back from the brink. Rick says he never felt afraid or even completely aware that his days might be numbered, just that each day brought challenges. And I just went into robot mode, caring for him and holding it all together. In fact, both Allie and Hillary mentioned at Christmastime (just before Rick was hospitalized) how upbeat I was for the first time since we lost Corrie. Weird. I think perhaps this lack of rage is a kind of pre-loss numbness that enables us to keep caring for our cherished family members with grace and hope.
As for your new career ~ go for it! I recently began working as a trainer of sorts at Curves. Everyone who works at Curves is trained to teach new members how to use the circuit machines and to gently guide and cheer them on. Curves members, as you probably know, are for the most part 45+ and we have a number of members who are in their mid 80s! I\'m loving my part-time work and I think you will find this new path gratifying, fulfilling and satisfying.
One last comment ~ what a glorious celebration in Dallas ~ and, oh, how I hear you when you express the sadness you felt at not having Andy physically with you. sigh.
Onward and upward!
With much love and big hugs of encouragement ~ Debbie
Find what you want to do and do it.. A peronal trainer sounds good. If it were not for the gym to take my anger out on after Mike died I would not be calm to day. You can help all types of people in all phases of their lives. Young and old , fat and skinney everyone needs to be motivated, encouraged and to accomplish something.
Go get em girl
Hugs Penny
Youre so good to write these great journals Sarah, Thank you, I guess I didnt rage around Tamzin because I didnt want to frighten him and also cos he was so certain he would survive right til his last breath. I just wanted him to feel like I was positive in support of him.
My first moment of rage was probably moments after his last breath...when the Doctors started doing CPR to him, as they threw him over onto his back and began punching his chest right above where his tumours would have been hiding. I got angry with them and shouted at them to stop and leave him alone. They made me leave the room.
That made me very angry cos I didnt want Tamzin to be brought back here, to have to face the fact that he had died & wasnt likely to survive, when he believed he was cured.
Then for months I used to rage about lots of things. I dont think it always helps or matters to rage or not to rage. They know we loved them and would understand why we reacted how we did. I would be scared if my parents raged.
PS: I think your new career idea is a very exciting move Sarah. Good on you ! Everyone would be so lucky to have you help them. xxxx LOve xxxx