Where to go from here
February 16th, 2016
So many questions, so many support groups, so many issues...the question simply becomes where do I start? Adoption, Family Issues, Healthy Relationships (or rather the lack thereof) Sexual Abuse, Death, Break ups and Divorce, Physical and emotional abuse. When I was growing up, I was taught religiously that God will not give you more than you can handle. Have you ever wondered why God picked you to handle the things he dished out? The saying life isn't fair...well no shit. I used to be so upset. My best friend growing up had such a simple life, such simple problems. Dealing with her siblings being better at something, or being grounded for not doing chores! I got to the point I HATED her for how simple her problems were. While she was dealing with the fact that she forgot to feed her horses, I was dealing with my mother being absent, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. WHY! Who determined that I was strong enough to handle any of it?
I grew up to be a fairly successful adult. I have two associates degrees, one bachelors degree and my masters, funny enough my masters is in Psychology. Being an adrenaline junkie I opted to use my associates to become a paramedic. I feel like I would be a HORRIBLE psychologist. If I cant even understand myself after years of schooling how could I possibly hope to understand anyone else and their situation. Trauma situations are simple. Life saving procedures and get them to doctors who can actually help long term. Helping someone get over years of problems...that's the hard part.
I hate that I have read, and re-read the last two paragraphs thinking about how I want to express how I am feeling currently and I can't. I guess the only thing I can do is keep typing this and hope it makes sense after I have written it. I feel extremely lost. I moved out to California for someone that I love, and in all honesty it was a horrible mistake. I kick myself because I knew, before we ever moved to California that it was a mistake to leave, yet I did it anyway.
Healthy Relationships, I'm not sure I have ever had one. Family issues, more than anyone could ever know, adoption is a completely different issue in and of itself, death...too much of that, emotional physical and sexual abuse starts way too young now a days. Living in this world is cruel. We live in the world that believes that if its broke its useless and we need to throw it away.
I don't even feel sorry for myself or wish for a different life. I have friends who are way more messed up than I am. I have friends homeless. Friends who's husbands hurt them, friends who's boyfriends hurt their children, friends who have no where to turn because family has turned their back on them, friends who feel worthless and have felt that way since they were barely teens... I know I don't have it as bad as life could be. I know people who have it worse! It almost makes me feel horrible because I am writing about things. So many people have less than me and have no way out.
I am just hoping and praying that writing down how I feel will help me sleep. Nightmares, sleepwalking and other nightly occurrences will start to subside when I start writing things daily. Keeping things inside is not working for me and I need someone to vent to without having them attempting to give me advice or try and tell me how I should be doing things different. I would really like to get back to helping my friends again. I feel so out of my element.
So many issues, so many trials, so many topics that I cant possibly address them in the period I've allowed myself to get things off my chest. Support groups are so foreign to me.
Goodnight,
Fireflies!
So many questions, so many support groups, so many issues...the question simply becomes where do I start? Adoption, Family Issues, Healthy Relationships (or rather the lack thereof) Sexual Abuse, Death, Break ups and Divorce, Physical and emotional abuse. When I was growing up, I was taught religiously that God will not give you more than you can handle. Have you ever wondered why God picked you to handle the things he dished out? The saying life isn't fair...well no shit. I used to be so upset. My best friend growing up had such a simple life, such simple problems. Dealing with her siblings being better at something, or being grounded for not doing chores! I got to the point I HATED her for how simple her problems were. While she was dealing with the fact that she forgot to feed her horses, I was dealing with my mother being absent, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. WHY! Who determined that I was strong enough to handle any of it?
I grew up to be a fairly successful adult. I have two associates degrees, one bachelors degree and my masters, funny enough my masters is in Psychology. Being an adrenaline junkie I opted to use my associates to become a paramedic. I feel like I would be a HORRIBLE psychologist. If I cant even understand myself after years of schooling how could I possibly hope to understand anyone else and their situation. Trauma situations are simple. Life saving procedures and get them to doctors who can actually help long term. Helping someone get over years of problems...that's the hard part.
I hate that I have read, and re-read the last two paragraphs thinking about how I want to express how I am feeling currently and I can't. I guess the only thing I can do is keep typing this and hope it makes sense after I have written it. I feel extremely lost. I moved out to California for someone that I love, and in all honesty it was a horrible mistake. I kick myself because I knew, before we ever moved to California that it was a mistake to leave, yet I did it anyway.
Healthy Relationships, I'm not sure I have ever had one. Family issues, more than anyone could ever know, adoption is a completely different issue in and of itself, death...too much of that, emotional physical and sexual abuse starts way too young now a days. Living in this world is cruel. We live in the world that believes that if its broke its useless and we need to throw it away.
I don't even feel sorry for myself or wish for a different life. I have friends who are way more messed up than I am. I have friends homeless. Friends who's husbands hurt them, friends who's boyfriends hurt their children, friends who have no where to turn because family has turned their back on them, friends who feel worthless and have felt that way since they were barely teens... I know I don't have it as bad as life could be. I know people who have it worse! It almost makes me feel horrible because I am writing about things. So many people have less than me and have no way out.
I am just hoping and praying that writing down how I feel will help me sleep. Nightmares, sleepwalking and other nightly occurrences will start to subside when I start writing things daily. Keeping things inside is not working for me and I need someone to vent to without having them attempting to give me advice or try and tell me how I should be doing things different. I would really like to get back to helping my friends again. I feel so out of my element.
So many issues, so many trials, so many topics that I cant possibly address them in the period I've allowed myself to get things off my chest. Support groups are so foreign to me.
Goodnight,
Fireflies!
Replies
Welcome to DS and if you would like a new friend I am here for you. You have been through a lot. Let that pain define you as a stronger person, but don\'t let it define who you are. Some people get caught up in their pain and forget to live. There is always something better out there for us. We just have to find it. :)
Welcome, you will get lots of support here, whatever group you join. Journaling is the best thing you can do right now as you sort out your many questions. I journal here on occasion but I have a personal journal on my computer, I write almost daily there, very helpful and therapeutic for me. Also some counseling would benefit you as well if you can swing that. But I will say DS has helped me more than anything else I\'ve done (counseling, reading, etc) DS is like free counseling and hopefully you\'ll meet some friends here along the way.
You already know life isn\'t fair and you don\'t need to know all of life\'s answers, that is what I learned through counseling and it gave me piece of mind. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you, take this time to get to know yourself and your wants and continue being you, sounds like you have a lot to offer but take care of you too. And don\'t give up on God, he walks with us, he has a plan and he is just a prayer away.
Hugs!
Maybe your first step could be to let go of the set period of time you\'ve allotted yourself to address the issues you listed. Sometimes we just have to pick a place - any place - and just start. Our psyches are like a big ball of tangled yarn. We start untangling it little by little.
You hit on so many good points. Like realizing that until you do your own work, its hard to help others. Many therapists go into that field because they have experienced so much dysfunction, yet they don\'t do their own work, so it is really hard to help their clients. I think that\'s why most of us who have been to therapy get so discouraged.
Also, about healthy relationships. A very wise therapist once (well, more than once) said to me that in order to have a healthy relationship w/another person, we must first have that with ourselves. And it\'s true.
You have dealt with a lot and there\'s no need to compare it to others\' pain and/or play it down because you perceive someone worse off than you. Does that make sense?
This is a great website for writing. http://juliacameronlive.com/basic-tools/morning-pages/
Online support groups were foreign to me too. But a couple of groups here on DS that really helped. I hope you give it a try.
One ore thing... about God never giving us more than we can handle. I wasn\'t sure that was true. What I discovered is that helpful people/things tend to show up, especially when we ask and are grateful for it, even if it hasn\'t shown up yet. So hang in there...
~healing hugs~